The DysFUNctional Christmas
by Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin
Summary: It's just like "The DysFUNctional Pirates", but, it's a Christmas fic. Gather some relatives, leave some cookies out for Santa, and watch some good, old-fashion Christmas crack starring your favorite One Piece characters.
1. Shichibukai in Toyland

**Author's Note: **Yep, this is a Christmas spin-off of "**The DysFUNctional Pirates**", which means 25 chapters of Christmas fun and crack. This may put "**The DysFUNctional Pirates**" on hiatus until Christmas is over, but, at least you have this spin-off.

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece. Also, some of these one-shots may be AU.**

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><p>It was Christmas Eve – no, scratch that. It was Black Friday -, and our two favorite Shichibukai, Sir Crocodile and Dracule Mihawk, were doing Christmas shopping at Target for their loved ones, friends, enemies, frenemies, mutual friends, employees, bosses, and anybody else they could think of.<p>

"Crocodile, are you seriously buying Shake Weights for EVERYONE on your list?" Mihawk indignantly asked Crocodile, who was putting another Shake Weight in their shopping cart.

"Hey, last year, I got away with buying everyone Hooters gift cards, bootlegged Inception DVDs from Hong Kong, and World of Warcraft gamer tags," Crocodile said with a shrug as he took a bag of Doritos off a counter, opened up the bag, and ate some Doritos. "Hmm… Tastes like salted mayonnaise."

"Crocodile, you're not supposed to do that," Mihawk said. Crocodile pointed a sawed-off shotgun at him.

"Do I have to freaking cut a bitch?" Crocodile asked Mihawk.

"Hey, no swearing! This is a Christmas story!" Chimney cried as she began punching Crocodile. Crocodile picked up the little girl and put her in Kidd's cart.

"…The fuck am I supposed to do with this kid?" Kidd asked. A few minutes later, Mihawk and Crocodile were leaving Target.

"Where to next?" Crocodile asked Mihawk.

"Let's go to Macy's and buy everyone the same sweaters," Mihawk said as they exited Target to… A Winter Wonderland of Toys and Candy?

"Crocodile, explain this," Mihawk said bluntly.

"Uhh… You're high on LSD?" Crocodile asked. A cameraman came on-screen and bitch-slapped Crocodile.

"Well, according to the script, you're in Toyland," Doflamingo said as he walked up to them. Instead of wearing an elf or Santa costume like you'd expect, Doflamingo wore a sexy waiter costume.

"Doflamingo, what the hell are you doing here?" Crocodile asked Doflamingo.

"Aren't you cold?" Mihawk asked Doflamingo.

"No, whiskey and Butterbeer are keeping me warm," Doflamingo said before he drank straight from a bottle of whiskey. "Damn, that's good stuff."

"So, where in the name of Hatsune Miku are we? Are we still in the Grand Line, or are we in a pot-induced hallucination?" Mihawk asked Doflamingo.

"We're in Toyland! And, no, you're not on drugs," Doflamingo explained. The two VERY CONFUSED Shichibukai grew silent.

"_I'm on a drug called Charlie Sheen_  
><em>It's not available; If you try it once, you will die<em>  
><em>Your face will melt off<em>  
><em>And your children will weep over your exploded body, over your exploded body<em>," Crocodile sang.

"_You love to party_?" Doflamingo sang.

"_What's not to love?_  
><em>The run I was on made Jagger and Richards look like<em>  
><em>Droopy-eyed, armless children<em>  
><em>That's how I party<em>  
><em>That's how I party<em>

_I was bangin' 7 gram rocks, that's how I roll - winning_  
><em>I have one gear: GO - epic winning<em>," Crocodile sang.

"_Are you bipolar_?" Doflamingo sang.

"_I'm bi-winning_  
><em>Win here, win there, win, win everywhere<em>

_Absolute victory…_  
><em>We're on a quest<em>…" Crocodile sang.

"_We're gonna win everywhere_!" The Capricorn Pirates, the Straw Hats, and the Supernovas sang.

"_Right every single_ –" Crocodile and the Straw Hats, Supernovas, Capricorns sang before Doflamingo cut him off.

"That's not winning," Doflamingo said. Then, everyone did the Bad Apple dance.

"What the heck is going on here?" Mihawk cried.

"I'm trying to achieve Inception on you two," Doflamingo explained. Everyone sweatdropped.

"It's not working," Bonney stated.

"Well, it's because we're all supposed to go to the Queen of Toyland and tell her what we most want for Christmas, despite the fact that Black Friday just started," Doflamingo explained.

"In that case, I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot range, model, air rifle," Law said. Surprisingly, nobody told him "You'll shoot your eye out".

"I like trains," Hawkins said in all seriousness.

"You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but, you can't know for sure. But, it doesn't matter, because we'll be together," Bonney said. Some of the Capricorns applauded.

"I did not get that, but… iVamos, mis amigos!" Doflamingo said as the group began walking down the lane at a moderate pace.

"_I'm gonna marry the night! I won't give up on my life! I'm a warrior queen! Live_ –" Bonney sang before a house popped up in front of them.

"This must be the house of the Queen of Toyland," Doflamingo said with a whistle.

"Does singing Lady Gaga songs make her house randomly appear?" Bonney asked Doflamingo.

"Uhh… Only if it's "Judas", "Love Game", "Bad Romance", or "Marry the Night"," Doflamingo explained as he knocked on the door.

"I hope this Queen you speak of knows the way back! If not, shit's gonna go down," Mihawk said as he pulled out a golf club. That last line Mihawk spoke got a Dubstep remix.

"Well, let's go inside before it starts raining. Plus, I need to go home and put the plants and the cat in," Doflamingo said as he knocked on the door. Hancock answered it.

"The fuck is Hancock doing here?" Crocodile asked Mihawk.

"Wither goest thou, young rogues?" Hancock asked them.

"I like trains," Doflamingo said with a trolling expression on his face. Everyone got pissed at Doflamingo, but, then, Kyuubey appeared.

"Would anybody like to make a contract with me?" Kyuubey asked the pirates and Shichibukai.

"Leave me alone!" Crocodile yelled to the ferret-thingy. Crocodile then transformed into a magical girl, complete with Sailor Suit. Everyone else threw up.

"Oh, Dear Lord!" Doflamingo cried before running away. Because Doflamingo ran away, Crocodile's Soul Gem turned into a Grief Seed and he became the witch Miley Cyrus.

"What the hell?" The Capricorns cried.

"_Yeahhhhhh, it was a party in the U.S.A._!" Madoka Magica Witch!Crocodile sang.

"Time to end this with a kick, Inception-style!" Law said, kicking Crocodile in the balls. Crocodile then woke up in a line outside of Target.

"Mihawk! We need to buy Shake Weights for everyone!" Crocodile cried out. Mihawk facepalmed and walked away.

"Hey! Why didn't we get any lines?" The Capricorns and Straw Hats cried.

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><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>The Straw Hats and Capricorns not getting any lines was intentional. They're not going to speak until about chapter three.

**Review if you want to see the CP9 celebrate Christmas as pioneers, the Capricorns, Straw Hats, and Supernovas taking on "A Very, Merry, Muppet Christmas Movie", and review if you want to see mind-scarring pairings (such as Eneru x Dr. Kureha and Spandam x Crocodile x Lola) under a mistletoe.**


	2. Fun in Christmas Village

**Author's Note: **I'm a bit behind on this fic. Expect another update soon.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, the Skillet song "Comatose", Pizza Hut (which supports the rebellion), the Rihanna song "S&M", the Adventure Time theme song, Hetalia, Dragonball Z, Portlandia, counterfeit Gucci handbags, counterfeit Marc Jacobs handbags, Rick-Rolling, Keyboard Cat, Starbucks, or McDonald's.**

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><p>It was the night before Christmas, and all throught the Thousand Sunny, the Straw Hats were waiting for the rest of the cast of this oneshot to arrive so they could go to a Christmas village.<p>

"Nami, when are Ace and Sabo getting here?" Luffy asked his crew for the millionth time.

"When we hear carolers outside, we'll know it's Ace and Sabo!" Nami, Zoro, Usopp, Sanji, Chopper, Robin, Franky, Brook, and Jinbei yelled.

"_I hate feeling like this_  
><em>I'm so tired of trying to fight this<em>  
><em>I'm asleep and all I dream of<em>  
><em>Is waking to you<em>

_Tell me that you will listen_  
><em>Your touch is what I'm missing<em>  
><em>And the more I hide I realize<em>  
><em>I'm slowly losing you<em>

_Comatose_  
><em>I'll never wake up without an overdose of you<em>  
><em>I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe<em>  
><em>'Less I feel you next to me<em>  
><em>You take the pain I feel<em>  
><em>(Waking up to you never felt so real)<em>  
><em>I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream<em>  
><em>'Cause my dreams don't comfort me<em>  
><em>The way you make me feel<em>  
><em>(Waking up to you never felt so real<em>)," Ace and Sabo sang from outside.

"Sugoi! They're here!" Luffy said as he ran out to greet Ace and Sabo.

"Hey, Luffy, look what we brought!" Ace said as he motioned to a huge box with a rubber duck print wrapper.

"Sugoi! Is it meat?" Luffy asked his brothers.

"Nope! Come on out!" Sabo said. Then, the Capricorns, the Supernovas, the CP9, Crocodile, and Mihawk exited the box.

"_Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me_!" The Capricorns, the Supernovas, the CP9, Crocodile, and Mihawk. The Straw Hats sweatdropped.

"That's nice to know... Not," Nami said.

"OMG, that's so 1997!" Ace said.

"Not!" Sabo interjected. Everyone who was born in the One Piece equivalent of the 1990's began laughing.

"Oh, Nami, is Vivi-chawn coming?" Sanji asked Nami.

"Duh! Cobra made this village!" Nami pointed out.

"Cobra's a mayor? Cool!" Luffy said.

"_He thinks being a mayor is being cooler than a king? Okay, what is wrong with Luffy_?" Zoro thought to himself. A few minutes later, this dysfunctional group was walking to Vivi and Cobra's Christmas village while singing Christmas carols.

"_Adventure Time!_  
><em>C'mon, grab your friends<em>  
><em>We'll go to very distant lands<em>  
><em>With Jake the dog and Finn the human,<em>  
><em>The fun will never end<em>  
><em>It's Adventure Time<em>!" The pirates sang, because, technically, it was Adventure Time for them.

"*Sigh*... All that's missing now is Lumpy Space Princess," Hana said with a sigh.

"Is Lumpy Space Princess a guy or a girl?" Usopp asked everyone.

"What about Poland from Hetalia?" Apoo added.

"Who?" Usopp asked. All the Poland and Canada fangirls facepalmed.

"It's Poland, not Canadia!" The fangirls screamed. They then beat up Usopp and left him for dead at Marineford. Just kidding. They left him alone.

"*Sigh*... Can't we all just watch Dragonball Z?" Usopp asked everyone.

"No! Dragonball Z is too mainstream! Let's watch Portlandia!" Law suggested. Everyone else but Yuki-Rin threw peanuts at him. "Well, fine! I see how it is!"

A few minutes later, the pirates arrived at Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Christmas Village. Everyone shuddered.

"Luffy, I thought Vivi and Cobra were running this and not your grandpa," Nami said.

"Well, uhh..." Luffy said.

"This must be the tax write-off Gramps was talking about," Ace said.

"Either that, or Cobra FINALLY filed for bankruptcy," Kidd commented. A rimshot was heard in the background.

"Fail," Nami commented as they continued on into the Christmas village.

"Hmm... Nobody knows these shops! Miss Bonney, we're shopping here because these stores are obscure!" Law said.

"Cool! They have a McDonald's here!" Luffy said as he pointed to a McDonald's up ahead. Law facepalmed.

"McDonald's is too mainstream!" Law yelled as he threw his McCafé coffee drink on the ground.

"Trafalgar, come Monday, we're putting you and your girlfriend in hipster rehab," Kidd said, shaking his head. A few minutes later, they arrived at a Victorian-styled mansion.

"Finally! Something vintage, retro, indie, or hipster!" Law said as he threw his hands up in the air.

"Hey, look, this place has a Pizza Hut," Sabo said as he pointed to a Pizza Hut next to the mansion. Law grabbed him by his coat.

"Will you just go back to a non-hipster place already?" Law asked Sabo.

"Too late," Nami said as everyone but the Capricorns, Nami, Sanji, Robin, Crocodile, Mihawk, Bonney, Law, Ace, and Sabo entered the mansion. The doors of the mansion locked shut.

"Okay, when that happens, not-nice things happen," Kaoru told everyone else. They facepalmed.

"We know that, Kaoru!" Everyone else said. Inside the mansion...

"Oi, this isn't the rec center," Zoro commented.

"What do you need to go to a rec center for?" Kalifa asked Zoro.

"Free eggnog for their eggnog night that raises money for victims of the Tenryuubito," Zoro explained as he drank from a huge carton of eggnog.

"Hey, you're getting that all over my throw rug!" Spandam yelled.

"Oi, Seto Kaiba, this isn't your house," Zoro said as he threw the empty carton into Spandam's face and walked over to the door. Unfortunately, when he tried to open it, it was locked. "Oi, where did I put my keys?"

Outside, the other half of the group was exploring the village.

"Nami-swan, do you want a counterfeit Gucci purse or a counterfeit Marc Jacobs handbag?" Sanji asked Nami as they entered a store filled with counterfeit and bootlegged goods.

"Sweet! They have Portlandia season one here!" Yuki-Rin said.

"Bitchin'! Let's watch it!" Bonney said. Law put the season one DVD of Portlandia into a not-bootlegged, not-counterfeit DVD player. Instead of playing Portlandia, the DVD was a DVD of the Keyboard Cat video.

"...The fuck is this?" Law asked everyone who didn't wear purple and black underwear on days ending in "day".

"This is worse than getting Rick-Rolled!" Bonney cried. Kartik sneezed.

"At least this place is - OMG, Sabo-ya, put that credenza down!" Law snapped as he pointed to Sabo, who was trying to pick up a fake credenza.

"Make me!" Sabo said as he stook out his tongue. The credenza then broke in his hands. "Ow! Splinters!"

Law sighed.

"I want to eat at a coffee shop that isn't Seattle's Best, Peet's Coffee and Tea, Corner Bakery Café, The Coffee Bean, and DEFINTELY NOT Starbucks," Law stated. A few minutes later, everyone was seated in Starbucks.

"This place is too mainstream," Law complained in a hipster manner.

"Shut up!" The Capricorns yelled.

"Law, please stop acting like a hipster! Your hipster Christmas special comes later!" Nami pointed out, breaking the fourth wall.

"Can I invite Miss Bonney and Holden-ya?" Law asked.

"Knock yourself out. I'm not the hipster here," Nami stated. Holden and Law high-fived.

"Law, we're gonna have a great Christmas special! We can blast non-Christmas music like The Ramones, Sum 41, Panic! At the Disco, The Sex Pistols, Green Day, Flogging Molly, and Dead Kennedys and nobody would question us, we could watch non-Christmas movies like Inception, _Phantom of the Opera_, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, _Evita_, and The Help, and we can eat Swedish food," Holden explained. Law smiled.

"Sounds like an obscure plan you don't know about! Let's go film it!" Law said before he, Holden, Soren, Heathcliffe, and Bonney left the Starbucks.

"Come back! We never got free baclava and steel wool mittens!" Enlai called out. Back at the mansion...

"They're not coming for us, are they?" Zoro asked everyone. The room grew silent.

"I'm gonna leave. I don't have time for this," Spandam said as he got his coat and left.

"Drive safely!" Kaku called out to Spandam.

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><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>**Review if you want to see crack like the CP9 making a gingerbread house, Sanji and Robin in a parody of "The Nutcracker", and the Straw Hats and Capricorns Christmas shopping.**


	3. Kartik Abingdon's The Nutcracker

**Author's Note: **Before you ask, yes, I was watching _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_, which is why some of the chapter is influenced by it. Plus, it's got my favorite pairing, Sanji x Robin, in it. Yay.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or any songs from _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

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><p>It was the night of the annual Christmas party the Straw Hats and the Capricorns threw on the Hyperion, and it was time to open presents.<p>

"Alright, guys, you can only open ONE present tonight. You get to open gifts from Santa tomorrow morning and gifts from other people tomorrow night before dinner," Sanji explained, with Kartik and Jinbei standing on either side of him. Everyone groaned.

"You're just a Debbie Downer! Debbie Downer!" Sebastian yelled as he pointed to Sanji. The word "Objection!" flashed onto the screen. Sanji sighed as he lit a new cigarette.

"Kartik, it's hard out there for a suave and sophisticated man," Sanji said, shaking his head.

"Touché, old sport," Kartik said. And, so, the chaos of opening presents began.

"Sanji, what's this?" Luffy asked Sanji as he held up an item covered by a black censor bar. Sanji facepalmed.

"_Dear God! I was supposed to send that to Conis_!" Sanji thought to himself.

"Bitchin'! Nami got us a pool table!" Hana yelled. The Capricorns then diverted their attention to the pool table. The Straw Hats turned their attention to the gifts they were going to open.

"To Robin-chwan, with love, Sanji. Hmm... I wonder what this could be," Robin said to herself as she tore away the wrapping, revealing a white box.

"OMG! It's a white box!" Franky proclaimed. Robin opened the box and pulled out a nutcracker that looked like Sanji.

"Why, this is very lovely, Cook-san," Robin said as she pulled Sanji in for a hug. Sanji did a girly scream.

"Mellorine!" Sanji yelled.

"Shut up over there!" Gareth yelled from the pool table.

"We're trying to shoot some pool over here, so keep it down!" Soren yelled from the pool table.

"Get a room!" Mina yelled from the pool table.

"What she said!" Z.G. yelled from the pool table. Two hours later, Gareth accidentally set Robin's nutcracker on fire with his pool cue. How he managed to do that was a complete mystery.

"Gareth, how the fuck did you set your own pool cue on fire?" Heathcliffe asked the boy in the long, green coat who was now holding a burning pool cue.

"I have no clue. There are no lighters or matches or open flames around us, so... Yeah," Gareth said.

"Well, the friction between the -" Kartik explained before Hana cut him off.

"That's what he said!" Hana - the erstwhile yaoi fangirl that wasn't Hungary - yelled.

"Young lady, stop turning all of my sophisticated, eloquent phrases into utter rubbish related to this Japanese man-love you speak of," Kartik warned Hana, who rolled her eyes.

"Spoiler alert: You die in the last book of the _Gemma Doyle_ trilogy," Hana said.

"That's the wrong Kartik!" Kartik cried.

"What? Kartik dies?" Matsu and Karin yelled, seeing as they're lifelong friends (or fangirls in Karin's case) of both Kartiks. On the Straw Hats' side of the room...

"How in the world did Gareth set his pool cue - and Robin's nutcracker - on fire when he wasn't near an open flame?" Usopp asked as the Straw Hats looked over the charred remains of the Sanji nutcracker.

"I tell you, those Capricorns get into some pretty crazy antics," Sanji said, shaking his head.

"If Gareth can set something on fire without fire, then he must be a SUPAH hero," Franky explained. A rimshot was heard in the background.

"Hahaha, no," Nami laughed before commenting seriously on the situation at hand. Robin sighed, since the nutcracker of her favorite crew member was now ash. (Charred remains of something that burned, NOT the Pokémon character)

"Cheer up, Robin-chawn, I will get you a new nutcracker AND kick Gareth's ass," Sanji re-assured Robin as he patted her on the back. Robin smiled.

"Thank you, Cook-san," Robin said. Sanji cleared his throat.

"Party's over! Go home!" Sanji yelled.

"We live here, remember?" Kazuma asked Sanji.

"Like I care," Sanji said as he lit another cigarette.

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><p>After going to bed, Robin woke up a few hours later on the shores of a beach in the middle of the day. As she got up, she saw buildings of various archetectural styles on the shore.<p>

"Where am I?" Robin asked herself.

"Welcome to Limbo."

Yuki-Rin then approached Robin.

"Yuki-Rin-san, what is this place?" The confused archaeoloist asked the captain of the Capricorn Pirates.

"If you've seen Inception, you'll know what this place is. Kazuma's here, too," Yuki-Rin explained. Robin shrugged.

"That's nice," Robin said apathetically, not caring that you may never get out of Limbo. Five seconds later, Robin woke up on a couch in the Thousand Sunny, where she origanlly fell asleep after reading volumes of the Junjo Romantica manga.

"I should stop reading yaoi manga before bed," Robin said as she got up and walked around. Were the Christmas tree, the kitchen, the aqarium, Zoro's swords, and the other things in the Sunny this huge, or was it Robin's imagination? Or, was Robin drunk?

"I should also stop drinking whenever I see Kartik and Matsu," Robin said to herself before bumping into Usopp, who was passed out on the floor for no apparent reason. Did Usopp get bigger, or was it her?

"I have you now, my pretty!"

Robin turned back, and she saw Nezumi in a skimpy mouse costume.

"Hey! This is wrongly stereotyping! Just because my name means "mouse" in Japanese does not mean you can make me dress like a rat!" Nezumi ranted. With a sigh, Mihawk and Kaku - who were both wearing black T-shirts that said "Stage Crew" and blue jeans - led Nezumi away.

"Drive safe!" Robin called out to them before somebody put a hand over her mouth.

"Hfmmphpffft!" Robin cried out, since there was obviously a hand over her mouth. She turned back, and she saw Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren, all three of them looking sexily sadistic and wearing suits.

"Come with us," Heathcliffe whispered sexily.

"Dos fleur!" Robin said. Then, two of Robin's arms sprouted out from the ground, grabbed Robin, and placed her a few feet away.

"Man, she's hardcore," Soren stated.

"But, still, join us," Holden said, his voice growing sexier at the "join us" part.

"No! I will never fall to your sex appeal! Your hair is too soft and leave-in conditioned, your clothes are too fashionable and tight, and your bodies are... Your bodies are... Well, I ain't touching them," Robin stated.

"Whatever, you're coming with us to Nezumi's rat crib," Heathcliffe said. "Oh, God! Was I just speaking in rapper slang? Ew! Rap sucks! Punk's not dead!"

Somebody off-screen handed Heathcliffe a wastebasket to throw up in.

"Still, you're coming with us," Holden said.

"I won't go!" Robin yelled. Just then, something kicked all three siblings across their faces, Mexican stand-off style.

"It's a bird!" Alvida yelled.

"It's a plane!" Paulie yelled.

"It's your mom!" Sanji - the one who kicked the Sarutobi siblings - yelled as he turned around triumphantly. The room grew silent, save for somebody coughing.

"Are you my nutcracker?" Robin asked with her hands clasped and stars in her eyes.

"What do you think? Heck yes, I am! Gosh!" Sanji said a-la Napoleon Dynamite. The siblings got up from the ground.

"Okay, now what?" Heathcliffe asked everyone. Sanji began slapping Heathcliffe across the face to the beat of the song "What is Love?"

"_What is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more_!" Holden and Soren sang as Sanji slapped Heathcliffe.

"Sarutobi-kun!"

Aki then ran up to Sanji, pushed Heathcliffe off of Sanji, and bitch-slapped Sanji across the face so hard, he fell down.

"How could you hurt Sarutobi-kun and his brothers? They didn't do anything to deserve this!" Aki cried.

"They tried to hurt Robin-chawn!" Sanji argued. Aki slapped him again.

"How could you?" Aki sobbed Heathcliffe hugged her, and the two began making out.

"Get a room!" Holden, Soren, Robin, and Sanji cried. Sanji turned to Robin.

"We're getting out of here. Let's go back to my place, and, you know, eat some desserts, watch some Portlandia, prank call take-out restaurants, that stuff," Sanji said.

"Okay," Robin said. And, so, Robin and Sanji walked hand-in-hand out of the Sunny.

"I'm! Not! Done! With! You! Nico! Robin!" Heathcliffe said while trying to make-out with his girlfriend. Due to time constraints, our scene shifted to the palace of the Sugarplum Fairy, Vivi Nefetari.

"Honey, i'm home!" Sanji announced as he and Robin entered the house. Vivi looked up from the game of Pokémon she was playing.

"Oh, hay!" Vivi said very happily. "Security!"

Luffy, Zoro, Usopp, Nami, Chopper, Franky, Brook, Jinbei, Ace, the Capricorns, and Sabo exited, all wearing their formal clothes from Strong World or - if they weren't in Strong World -, formal clothes that they would wear in Strong World.

"Uhh... Does she not like me?" Robin asked Sanji as the music began.

"_It's astounding..._  
><em>Time is fleeting...<em>  
><em>Madness takes its toll<em>," Franky sang.

"_Ahh_.." Hana sang.

"_But, listen closely_ -" Franky sang.

"_Not for very much longer_!" Hana and Aria sang.

"_Not for very much longer_  
><em>I've got to keep control<em>  
><em>I remember doing the Time Warp<em>  
><em>Drinking those moments when<em>  
><em>The blackness would hit me<em>  
><em>And, the void would be calling<em> -" Franky sang.

"_Let's do the Time Warp again!_  
><em>Let's do the Time Warp again<em>!" Everyone sang as they hopped to the left, then to the right, and then did a pelvic thrust.

"_It's just a jump to the left_," Luffy sang as everyon jumped to the left.

"_And, then a step to the right_," Everyone sang as they jumped to the right.

"_With your hands on your hips_," Kartik sang as everybody put their hands on their hips.

"_You bring your knees in tight._  
><em>But, it's the pelvic thrust.<em>  
><em>They really drive you insane.<em>  
><em>Let's do the Time Warp again.<em>  
><em>Let's do the Time Warp again<em>," Everyone sang as they hopped to the left, then to the right, and then did a pelvic thrust.

"_It's so dreamy_  
><em>Oh, fantasy, free me<em>  
><em>So, you can't see me<em>  
><em>No, not at all.<em>

_In another dimension_  
><em>With voyeuristic intention.<em>  
><em>Well secluded, I see all<em>," Vivi sang.

"_With a bit of a mind flip_ -" Kaoru sang.

"_You're into a time slip_," Mina sang.

"_And, nothing can ever be the same_," Blaise sang.

"_You're spaced out on sensation_," Nami sang.

"_Like you're under sedation_," Zoro sang.

"_Let's do the Time Warp again!_  
><em>Let's do the Time Warp again<em>!" Everyone sang as they did the Time Warp.

"_Well, I was walking down the street_  
><em>Just having a think<em>  
><em>When a snake of a guy<em>  
><em>Gave me an evil wink<em>  
><em>Well, it shook me up<em>  
><em>It took me by surprise<em>  
><em>He had a pick-up truck<em>  
><em>And the devil's eyes<em>  
><em>He stared at me<em>  
><em>And I felt a change<em>  
><em>Time meant nothing<em>  
><em>Never would again<em>," Brook sang.

"_Let's do the Time Warp again!_  
><em>Let's do the Time Warp again<em>!" Everyone sang as they hopped to the left, then to the right, and then did a pelvic thrust.

"_It's just a jump to the left_," Chopper sang as everyon jumped to the left.

"_And, then a step to the right_," Everyone sang as they jumped to the right.

"_With your hands on your hips_," Kazuma sang as everybody put their hands on their hips.

"_You bring your knees in tight._  
><em>But, it's the pelvic thrust.<em>  
><em>They really drive you insane.<em>  
><em>Let's do the Time Warp again.<em>  
><em>Let's do the Time Warp again<em>," Everyone sang as they did the Time Warp.

"_Ah!_  
><em>Oh!<em>  
><em>Oh!<em>  
><em>Yeoooww!<em>  
><em>Ahhhh<em>!" Franky sang, since Robin didn't feel like singing.

"_Let's do the Time Warp again!_  
><em>Let's do the Time Warp again<em>!" Everyone sang as they did the Time Warp.

"_It's just a jump to the left_," Sanji sang as everyone jumped to the left.

"_And a step to the right_," Everyone sang as they jumped to the right.

"_With your hands on your hips_," Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren sang as everyone placed their hands on their hips.

"_You bring your knees in tight._  
><em>But, it's the pelvic thrust.<em>  
><em>They really drive you insane.<em>  
><em>Let's do the Time Warp again.<em>  
><em>Let's do the Time Warp again<em>," Everyone sang as they did the Time Warp and struck a final pose.

"Well, that was awkward," Vivi said with a nervous laugh. A laughtrack played in the background as Sanji and Robin began making out.

"Oh, la la!" Soren yelled.

"Get a room!" Everyone else yelled. Then, Robin awoke inside of a white van driving erratically.

"Where am I?" Robin asked herself, unaware that the van was driving off of a bridge backwards and in slow motion.

"We're going to Candy Mountain, Charlie!" Sengoku, who was the driver, yelled. Robin then awoke on the Thousand Sunny in the middle of the night.

"The heck? I think I just achieved Inception," Robin said before going back to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Inception, Gemma Doyle, AND Portlandia references all in one chapter? Awesome!

**Review if you want to see such crack like Dadan as Santa Claus, the Straw Hats decorating their Christmas tree, or the Admirals dressed as happy, little elves.**


	4. Christmas on the Frontier

**Author's Note:** This chapter is a pioneer AU... For at least 75% of the chapter. XD

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda still owns One Piece.**

* * *

><p><strong>Nevada, 1870<strong>

In the old days of pioneering the western United States, it was as rough as the Marineford Arc. Not only did you have to be kinda badass, but, it was also tragic, extreme, and… Cracky, in this family's case.

"What? We're supposed to be a family?" Spandam said as the CP9 arrived at the plot of land that would be their property. All of their members were wearing old-timey, pioneer clothing.

"They never told us that in the contract!" Lucci cried.

"Yeah, well, the authoress never tells us ANYTHING," Jyabura added.

"Oh, shut the front door and get to work," Spandam ordered. Everyone grew silent.

"Spandam, we have no front door to shut," Kalifa pointed out.

"Shut up, woman, and make me a sandwich!" Spandam ordered.

"Hey! That's sexual harassment!" Kalifa pointed out.

"You heard the man, Kalifa, get to work!" Lucci said.

"Please take care of the sleeping grass," Kaku said.

"Yes, Kaku, we'll be sure to mow the grass," Lucci said as he began burning effigies of the rest of CP9.

* * *

><p>Within a few months, the CP9 family had a cozy log cabin built that almost broke all building code laws. They lived off the land, as in, hunted for food and chopped wood, Little House on the Prairie-style. They also caught a pet pigeon and named it Hattori. It was all sunshine, Shonen-Ai manga, and Double Rainbows.<p>

Then, Christmas time came, and things got worse.

One day, Spandam was testing out a grenade launcher he just built, despite the fact grenade launchers didn't exist in the 1870's.

"Spanda – I mean, pa – what are you doing?" Kalifa asked Spandam as he played with his grenade launcher.

"I'm trying to re-create my most epic Napalm Strike from Call of Duty," Spandam answered.

"Call of Duty didn't even exist back in 1870's Nevada," Kumadori pointed out.

"Get back in the kitchen!" Spandam yelled before launching the grenade, which didn't go off. Everyone grew silent.

"So… Now what?" Blueno asked everyone. Spandam began walking toward the forest, where he launched the grenade.

"I'll be right back. Kaku, don't order any adult movies like last time!" Spandam advised before he continued deeper into the forest. An explosion then went off a few moments later.

"Oh, no, not pa," Kalifa said with no emotion and a boatload of apathy in her voice.

* * *

><p>Since the nearest funeral homecemetery was all the way in Sacramento, Spandam's funeral was held at a brothel of all places.

"You know, this reminds me of Reno 911!" Kaku stated, not lifting his bowed head.

"I can still remember pa's last words," Lucci said, holding back tears.

"'I'll be right back. Kaku, don't order any adult movies like last time'," Blueno recited.

"Chapapapapapapapa," Fukurou said sadly before they went outside to cry, drink, smoke, or gamble.

"Hello? Hello? Ah, well, more shrimp cocktail for me," Spandam said from inside his coffin. (1)

* * *

><p>The next morning, Kalifa awoke everyone and gathered up supplies that the family would need, such as food, blankets, clothes, shoes, guns, more guns, money, soap, and tasers.<p>

"Ma, where are we going?" Fukurou asked Kalifa.

"We – I was married to Spandam? That's sexual harassment!" Kalifa cried. Lucci, Blueno, Kaku, Fukurou, Kumadori, and Jyabura – the supposed sons of Kalifa and Spandam – facepalmed.

"Ma, where are we going?" Kaku asked Kalifa.

"We're going into town so I can put you kids up for adoption. What the fuck did I see in that abusive, sexist man anyway?" Kalifa asked herself as she set a picture of Spandam on fire.

"Why do you hate pa so much, ma?" Lucci asked Kalifa, who sighed.

"That's sexual harassment, Lucci. Go to your room," Kalifa said.

"I thought we were going out," Blueno pointed out.

"Fine, then!" Kalifa said as she crossed her arms. A few minutes later, Kalifa and her "sons" were walking to the nearest town with an orphanage.

"Ma, are we going to Red Lobster?" Kaku asked Kalifa.

"Kaku, Red Lobster doesn't exist in this time era!" Lucci pointed out.

"It does in my mind. There's also a beach in my mind. I call it 'Limbo Beach'," Kaku said. Nobody laughed.

"I thought Limbo was supposed to be bad," Jyabura said. Then, they hit a modern highway with modern cars driving up and down it.

"Excuse me. My car broke down. Do you guys have any jumper cables?" Paulie asked Kalifa.

"What are those?" Kalifa asked Paulie. Both of them grew silent.

"You are a shameless woman! Cover up or GTFO!" Paulie yelled. A few more minutes later…

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Fukurou asked Kalifa.

"Shut up! Mommy has a hangover!" Kalifa yelled.

"Why do you drink so much, Ma?" Lucci asked Kalifa.

"I need to get my booze on," Kalifa anwsered.

"That's parental neglect and child abuse, Ma," Lucci pointed out. Kalifa shrugged.

"Meh," Kalifa said. A few minutes later, they arrived in the town, which was actually modern-day Reno, Nevada.

"We weren't living in the pioneer age?" Lucci, Kalifa, Fukurou, Kumadori, Blueno, Kaku, and Jyabura cried.

"Akainu, you selfish bastard!" Kaku cursed.

"What a troll! Chapapapapapapapa!" Fukurou cried.

"Why are we blaming Akainu for all of our problems?" Lucci asked everyone.

"The authoress is pissed off at him for what he did to Aokiji in the latest chapter of the manga," Kalifa explained as they walked into a mall. The Capricorns, holding their many Christmas purchases, approached them.

"Hi, I'm a single, sexually harassed widow. Please adopt my kids in time for Christmas," Kalifa said as she pushed her "sons" toward the confused pirates.

"Uhh…" Yuki-Rin said, very confused.

"Are you a cop? If you are, you have to tell me," Kalifa demanded.

"We were just Christmas shopping. Is that too much to ask?" Holden asked Kalifa. Kalifa then shoved Holden's face in between her massive boobs that weren't as massive as Karin's (or Boa Hancock's). Holden then passed out onto the floor due to blood loss.

"Oh, no! Somebody call a doctor!" Chopper cried as he ran up to the passed-out Holden.

"You are a doctor!" Everyone else pointed out.

"Whoops! My bad," Chopper said as he got to work on Holden, House-style.

"Hey! Only I can work like Dr. House on patients!" Law cried. Everyone else facepalmed.

"Well, then… We'll be going now," Yuki-Rin said as she picked up Holden and carried him across her shoulder. The rest of her crew soon followed.

"Merry Christmas! I'm not putting you kids in an orphanage!" Kalifa said.

"What? You were going to put us in an orphanage?" Kaku cried.

"Then, what's the catch?" Kumadori – who hasn't spoken in Oda knows how long – asked his "mommy". Kalifa grinned.

"You know that Holden boy I hugged? He's gonna be your new daddy!" Kalifa announced.

"Excuse me? He's HOW OLD? And, you're gonna do WHAT?" Lucci cried. Mass facepalming ensued.

"I'm not even gonna ask anymore," Spandam said before walking away.

"Pa? Was that you?" Kaku asked Spandam.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - Did you really think I was gonna kill Spandam off in a crack fic? XD<strong>

**Review if you want to see holiday road trips from hell, One Piece's villains celebrating Christmas together, or if you want to see the Whitebeard Pirates decorate Marco with tinsel.**


	5. Christmas for Hipsters

**Author's Note:** **After this chapter, this Christmas crack fic series may go on hiatus until next Christmas season. Originally, I was going to have 25 chapters (as Christmas is on December 25th), but my laptop pretty much rejected Windows Vista, and it took two to three weeks to get it upgraded to Windows 7. I managed to post a couple chapters from my parents' computer, and I developed a safety plan to only post 12 chapters, in honor of the 12 Days (or Pains) of Christmas. But, seeing as I only got my laptop back last week, it looks like that 12 chapters won't be possible at this point, seeing as it's Christmas Eve tomorrow night (or Christmas tomorrow if you're in Europe, Asia, Africa, or Australia). There's a possibility I may crank out one - or even two - more oneshots before Christmas Day is over, but I can't guarentee that. However, after Christmas, "The DysFUNctional Pirates" will go off of hiatus.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, "The Madness of Duke Venomania" by Kamui Gakupo, Inception, MiO water flavorings, Urban Outfitters, the bands Animal Collective and Neutral Milk Hotel, Portlandia, any soccer team in the English Premier League (go Chelsea and Manchester United), or Sassy, Gay Friend.**

* * *

><p>It was Christmas Eve on the Heart Pirates' submarine, and Law was doing what he does best, which was browsing the Urban Outfitters website for animal-print toques.<p>

"Law, what are we supposed to do during your Christmas party?" Penguin asked Law, who turned around in his chair.

"Go here. If you end up getting your money jacked from you, please bitch about it to William T. Spears," Law said as he handed Penguin, Satchi, Bepo, and Jean Bart some flyers.

"Animal Collective in concert? The hell are those guys?" Bepo asked his captain.

"Oh, they're an obscure band you don't know about. Now, get the fuck off of my lawn," Law said, pushing his crew out of the submarine before turning to the camera. "Hello, fellow hipsters who couldn't pay $500 to be on this holiday special, since a Christmas special is too mainstream. My name is Trafalgar Law, and I will be your hipster host for tonight's special. Now, let's put on some obscure Christmas music you don't know about."

_Today again, a beautiful woman comes to me_  
><em>That smiling, you will become my new wife<em>  
><em>A forbidden deal with the devil, this power placed in my hands<em>  
><em>All the women that look at me are falling, enchanted<em>

_With the power to charm woman_  
><em>The man, to the basement of the mansion where he lives alone<em>  
><em>Brings one by one the women he likes<em>  
><em>Building up his harem<em>

_The taste of libido that hid poison, the pleasure of the blade that cut_  
><em>Blood and sweat mixed together, turn before long into drops of purple<em>  
><em>Once the clothes come off, there's no return to reality<em>

The music then stopped with a record scratch. Law laughed nervously.

"Whoops. Wrong song," Law said. Before the next song could play, the doorbell rang. "Come in! If you're the electrician, get lost!"

Bonney then entered the submarine. She was carrying a palm tree decorated with Christmas ornaments in the shapes of birds.

"Merry hipster Christmas, everyone!" Bonney said as she put the palm tree in a dark corner.

"Why, it's my hipster girlfriend, Jewelry Bonney!" Law announced to the audience before turning to Bonney. "So, Miss Bonney, why do you have a palm tree all decorated and not a pine tree?"

"Because fir trees as Christmas trees are too mainstream," Bonney anwsered. A rimshot was heard in the background. Law laughed.

"Good joke, Bonney-ya! Here's one for you – How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" Law asked Bonney.

"An obscure number you don't know about," Bonney anwsered. A laugh track consisting only of the laughs of hipsters – of whom you don't know about – played in the background.

"Who just laughed?" Bonney asked Law.

"Somebody obscure that you don't know about," Law said. Another rimshot played in the background.

"Enough with the hipster jokes!" Kidd yelled from off-stage. Law rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, look what we're giving away!" Law said as he pulled out a tote bag with birds painted on it.

"Put a Bird on It!" Bonney and Law yelled.

"Oh, that joke is SOOO **The DysFUNctional Pirates**," Buggy pointed out from the obscure studio audience. Law's cell phone then rang, and he anwsered it.

"Yesss? What? Chelsea and the Sprus are tied one to one? Shut up! Manchester United is better!" Law said into the phone before throwing it into the audience. Somehow, Heathcliffe ended up swallowing his phone.

"I can hear Neutral Milk Hotel from my stomach," Heathcliffe moned before passing out. Chopper then did the Heimlich Manuver on Heathcliffe because I ordered him to.

"Bro, how the hell did you swallow A CELL PHONE?" Soren asked Heathcliffe. Heathcliffe then spat the cell phone out and it landed in Law's hands. Bonney then grabbed the phone and dialed a number.

"Hello, is this the restaurant Asian Barbecue Originated in Korea, Da Ze? Yeah, get me the party pack and deliver it to the submarine of the Heart Pirates. No, I don't want horseradish with my order. Are you on heroin? 'Kay, thank you, buh-bye," Bonney said into the phone before hanging up and giving it back to Law. "It still works."

"Because not having it work is too mainstream," Law pointed out. "So, anyway, the winner of our tote bag is… Blackbeard, because Whitebeard, Ace, Marco, Jozu, Oars Jr, Vista, Haruta, Izou, Cuirel, Thatch, and Whitebeard's nurses are too mainstream!"

Only the Blackbeard Pirates cheered. Instead of Blackbeard coming on stage to accept his prize, Eames and Arthur from Inception walked on stage. Both wore sparkly, peach-colored scarfs.

"What are you doing? What, what, WHAT are you doing?" Eames asked Law.

"Uhh… Well… Hmm… La Di Da Di Da… Well… Uhhh… Hmmpth… Well, then… THIS is awkward," Law said as he made some weird noises that definitely sounded vaugely sexual.

"Look at your life, look at your choices! Now, tell me, why are you letting a villain accept the prize?" Arthur asked Law.

"Because I love my tote bags with birds on them!" Blackbeard yelled from the audience. Eames glared at Blackbeard.

"Are you crazy? You're like those lonely cat ladies with no sex lives!" Eames pointed out. "Look, Artie and I have a Christmas gift you're gonna love more than the tote bag."

"I'm not sure I will love it, but it's the thought that counts," Arthur said as Eames pulled out a bottle of MiO.

"Blackbeard, this is MiO," Eames explained.

"MiO? Sounds like some type of drug Yusuf made that tastes like cherry cordial margaritas," Arthur commented. The Capricorns laughed.

"Oh, Arthur, you sly Point Man, you," Yuki-Rin commented.

"Yuki-Rin, why am I sitting next to somebody who looks like you?" Kazuma asked as he motined to Ariadne.

"_OMG! It's Ariadne, my favorite Inception character! Must… Resist… External… Fangirling_!" Yuki-Rin thought to herself with a smile on her face.

"MiO? What the [bleep] is that?" Blackbeard asked the two guys from the Inception crew.

"You flip it, tip it, sip it," Eames explained as he flipped open the lid of MiO, tipped it into the glass of water, and gave it to Blackbeard, who drank it.

"Why the hell did you give me this crap?" Blackbeard asked Arthur and Eames.

"Oops! I'm a stupid bitch!" Eames said with a wave of his hand.

"He's a stupid bitch," Arthur whispered to the audience as he pointed to Eames. With that cue, the Inception team left.

"Okay, then… That was too mainstream for my eyes. I'm gonna go join my crew at the Animal Collective concert," Law said before putting on his hipster scarf and glasses and leaving.

"Take me with you!" Bonney yelled, running after him. The audience sweatdropped.

"When do I get my tote bag?" Blackbeard yelled out to nobody in particular.

* * *

><p>Ending Note: If I don't get in another one-shot for this fic by tomorrow, Merry Christmas, Happy Haunakkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Boxing Day, and Happy New Year to my readers.<p>

Oh, did anybody find an obscure Hetalia reference in this chapter? If you did, congrats. :D

****Review for some ideas for "The DysFUNctional Pirates".


	6. Stranded in an Airport

**Author's Note:** It's that time of year... And it's about damn time that this fanfic can update again, because the holidays are here! Let's hope we can get to twenty-five chapters this year, shall we?

Now, let's restart this fanfic with a competition!

**Disclaimer: I only own Kartik Abingdon, Wolfgang Katsuragi, Karin Kotetsu, and Stella-Rondo. Loki belongs to Marvel Comics. Everyone else belongs to Eichiiro Oda.**

* * *

><p><strong>Day One<strong>

Five male contestants – Kartik, Buggy, Jinbei, Garp, and Loki from _The Avengers_ – and five female contestants – Monet, Dadan, Bonney, Whitey Bay, and Margaret – walked into an airport.

"_This is… Stranded… In an Airport_."

Everyone blinked.

"We have flights to catch. It's the holidays and stuff," Bonney pointed out.

"And why the turtle soup is Loki here?" Dadan asked as she pointed to the superhero.

"Just shut up and don't tell my parents!" Loki sobbed. Everyone sweatdropped.

"_Anyway… Don't leave this airport. Last one in this airport wins a SECOND Christmas holiday._"

"Excuse me, but I don't think it's possible to have TWO Christmas holidays within the same time frame," Kartik pointed out.

"_It's called Christmas in July, Smart Alec. Now, do you want a cruise to Bermuda or not?_"

"No. If **The DysFUNctional Pirates** chapter _Chopper Goes on a Cruise _taught me anything, it taught me that the Bermuda Triangle is fucked up. The end," Loki explained.

"There's fanfiction of us?! No! Don't make me sing _The Stereotypes Song_!" Margaret cried.

"_Do we have to replace you with Daenarerys Targaryen?! Sit down and shut the Hellman's mayonnaise up!_"

With a pout, Margaret sat down.

"_Good Kuja Pirate, best warrior._"

* * *

><p><strong>Day Two<strong>

Everyone sat in a circle as Loki read a book to everyone.

"In the early years of the 16th century, to combat the rising tide of religious unorthodoxy, the Pope gave Cardinal Ximinez of Spain leave to move without outlet or hindrance throughout the land. In a reign of violence, terror, and torture that makes a smashing film, this was the Spanish Inquisition," Loki read from his book.

"Cool story, bro," Dadan said apathetically. "Now, make me a sandwich!"

"Why don't you make it?" Buggy suggested.

"I have hemorrhoids! I can't make my Goddamn sammich!" Dadan yelled. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"TMI, woman," Bonney said.

"_Swing a little more, a little more on the merry-o. Swing a little more, a little more next to me. Swing a little more, a little more on the merry-o. Swing a little more on the Devil's dance floor. Swing a little more on the Devil's dance floor_," Loki sang to himself. Bonney screamed.

"I have had it! This contest is too mainstream!" Bonney yelled before she walked out of the airport. The Men in Black then dragged Bonney past the other contestants a few seconds later.

"_Jewelry Bonney has been eliminated. The competition is now down to Kartik Abingdon, Buggy the Clown, Jinbei, Monkey D. Garp, Loki from The Avengers, Harpy Monet, Curly Dadan, Whitey Bay, and Margaret_."

* * *

><p><strong>Day Three<strong>

"You did WHAT?!" Loki cried.

"You heard me! I set up a hot tub! Go strip down to your skivvies, and join me in my hot tub! I've got chocolates, and we're watching _Inception_ whether you like it or not!" Dadan yelled. Loki facepalmed.

"That is it! I'm qutting the competition!" Loki yelled before he walked away from everyone, with Dadan following suit.

"_Curly Dadan and Loki have been eliminated. The competition is now down to Kartik Abingdon, Buggy the Clown, Jinbei, Monkey D. Garp, Harpy Monet, Whitey Bay, and Margaret_."

The remaining contestants clapped and cheered.

"Hallelujah! Dadan is gone!" Garp yelled.

"Who wants to watch _Inception_? Dadan left her T.V. here," Monet asked everyone.

"Can we have chocolate?" Margaret asked.

"Go nuts," Buggy said.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Four<strong>

"_Due to developing an undiagnosed allergy to Valentine's Day candy, Margaret has left the show to seek medical care. The competition is now down to Kartik Abingdon, Buggy the Clown, Jinbei, Monkey D. Garp, Harpy Monet, and Whitey Bay._"

Everyone blinked.

"You're welcome," Jinbei said. Monet sighed as she rubbed her temples.

"I am so done with this. Expect Christmas cards from me in three days," Monet said before she exited the airport. "YOLO, bitches!"

"_Harpy Monet has been eliminated. The competition is now down to Kartik Abingdon, Buggy the Clown, Jinbei, Monkey D. Garp, and Whitey Bay_."

* * *

><p><strong>Day Five<strong>

"_Monkey D. Garp has left the show to take care of an emergency at Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village. The competition is now down to Kartik Abingdon, Buggy the Clown, Jinbei, and Whitey Bay_."

The contestants shuddered.

"I bet he lied so he could get out of this show to attend another Brony Con," Jinbei said. Two Marines wearing black approached Jinbei. "Oh, sweet mother of –"

"Jinbei, you're coming with us," The Marines said.

"Fine," Jinbei said before he got up and followed the Marines.

"_Jinbei has been eliminated. The competition is now down to Kartik Abingdon, Buggy the Clown, and Whitey Bay_."

"This is a joke, I'm leaving," Buggy said as he got up from his seat.

"_Hey! You can't do that! That's against the rules!_"

"Screw the rules, I have money!" Buggy proclaimed before he walked away. Kartik and Whitey Bay sweatdropped.

"Okay, then…" Kartik said.

"_Buggy the Clown has been eliminated. Only Kartik Abingdon and Whitey Bay remain. Who will win an extra Christmas?_"

* * *

><p><strong>Day Six<strong>

Kartik and Whitey Bay sat in silence. Kartik was reading a rich people's magazine and Whitey Bay was chain smoking. All was well… Or was it?

"Kartik! I finally found you!"

Karin ran up to Kartik and hugged him tightly.

"Aw, hell naw!" Kartik – in an OOC manner – yelled as he pushed Karin off of him. Kartik then ran away, with Karin following him.

"_Kartik Abingdon has been eliminated. Whitey Bay is the winner of this competition._"

Whitey Bay got up and shrugged.

"Why do you care? I'm not even that mainstream," Whitey Bay said smugly as she put on a pair of badass sunglasses.

"Shut up and take my money!"

Whitey Bay flipped her hair.

"As if!" Whitey Bay said.

"_Next up on Pirate T.V., Here Comes Honey Boo – I mean, Stranded In… Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Christmas Village!_"

Five males – Brook, Wolfgang, Urouge, Sabo, and Vergo – and five females – Bellemeré, Miss Doublefinger, Conis, Stella-Rondo, and Domino – stood inside Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Christmas Village. All of the contestants shuddered.

"This is disturbing," Stella-Rondo pointed out.

"I know it is, but we have to stay here if we want to win tickets to see Wolfgang Gartner and Deadmau5," Wolfgang explained. Sabo got out a bag of tortilla chips.

"Anybody want tortilla chips?" Sabo asked everyone. Nobody answered. "More for me."

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see the Shichibukai become elves, Chopperman saving Christmas, or if you want to see Christmas in Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village. *Shudder*<strong>


	7. The Libra Pirates' First Christmas

**Author's Note:** The Libra Pirates recently made their debut in **One Piece: Parallel Generations**. Can they handle their debut in **The DysFUNctional Pirates' **holiday spin-off? Take it away, Yukari and Kazura.

**Yukari: "Right. Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin only owns the Capricorn Pirates and the Libra Pirates."**

**Kazura: "She also does not own the song _Little Black Submarines_, since that song is owned by The Black Keys. Oh, and she does not own the song _Time_, which is by Hans Zimmer and has been used in her favorite movie, _Inception_."**

* * *

><p>It was the year 1544, and the Libra Pirates were getting ready to celebrate Christmas AND their first appearance in <strong>The DysFUNctional Pirates<strong>.

"Oh, hey, people. Yukari and Kazura here. You see, since we just got our own spin-off to **One Piece: Parallel Works**, the authoress has finally decided to make us regulars in **The DysFUNctional Pirates**," Yukari explained to the audience. Then, the music started.

**(Background Song: _Time_, from _Inception_)**

"Also, we've apparently been called 'hipsters'. Yes, we like reading. Yes, we like movies - foreign or otherwise -, especially the films Pearl Chung-Feng has starred in. Yes, we like alternative music. Yes, we like coffee. Yes, we have gotten clothes from thrift stores or vintage botiques before. Yes, we like the show Portlandia. Yes, we've named our ship – the Coachella – after a hipster music festival. And, yes, we actually know what's going on in the movie _Inception_. We're a culture, not a costume. Being mainstream is not who I am, and it's not okay," Kazura explained. People cheered.

"I'm sorry, but I kind of think my mother's crew – the Capricorn Pirates – is too mainstream. The authoress dotes on them like little puppies. I don't care if Kazura and I are related to Yuki-Rin and Kazuma, the Abingdon siblings are Kartik and Matsu's children, Pearl and Lien are Heathcliffe and Aki's kids, or that Teru is Soren's wife, just… *Sigh*… Just give up, Capricorn fans. Support the Libras today, or we will fucking find you and throw water bottles at you. From all of us on the Libra Pirates – Yukari and Kazura Miyafuji, Teru Sarutobi, Stella-Rondo, Amelia, Rhett, Bridey, and Edmund Abingdon, Pearl and Lien Sarutobi, Fernando and Magda Aguilar, Angelica Fischer, Daiyu Lung, Jin-Mao Xiang, Alto Jarvis, Daruma Hideyoshi, Quinn Hayward, Cleo Hayward, Beau Hayward, Wenquing Chin, Lin Tiang, Miller Pratt, Cosmo McGee, Opal Rinaldi, Erika Hiiragi, Alton Cheung, Locke and Aurelia Sarutobi, and Marlene Grey -, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. Have a happy holiday season," Yukari explained. Many people cheered.

"That was so horrible, it was ironic."

The music stopped with a record scratch.

"Lien, we didn't get to the good part where the orchestra fully kicks in," Kazura explained.

"Well, I'm not the one with the _Inception_ sountrack on their iPod!" Lien argued.

"Wow, even twenty years after the Capricorns have sailed, _Inception_ is still relevant in this fanfic," Yukari commented.

"Hey, we're just trying to carry on a running gag in this fanfic where we reference _Inception_ at least once in every chapter!" Pearl argued.

"Finally, somebody address that," Stella-Rondo said under her breath. The Libras grew silent.

"Now what?" Yukari asked everyone.

"I think we need a tree," Kazura explained. "I don't think we've even bought one."

Everyone grew silent.

"Do something cracky!" Sengoku demanded off-screen.

"We are not the Capricorn Pirates. We do not do or say cracky things at the snap of one's fingers," Edmund explained seriously. Kuma then appeared.

"Oi, Kuma, aren't you dead by 1544?!" Stella-Rondo yelled as she got out her water pipe.

"Where would you like to go to today?" Kuma asked everyone.

"To the police station so we can have you arrested," Edmund deadpanned. Then, with a flash of light, the Libras were gone. Kuma got out an Easy Button from Staples and pressed it.

"That was easy," The Easy Button said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Libras were sent twenty years into the past. They ended up at the mansion in Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Christmas Village from chapter two. The Libras shuddered.<p>

"What's wrong with this place?" Grandma Magda asked everyone.

"You don't want to know," Yukari said darkly.

"Oh, I've been to Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village back before any of you were born. But, Shakky was already giving Garp sloppy make-outs under the mistletoe. That whore," Grandma Magda explained. Fernando facepalmed.

"TMI, grandma! Why did the authoress make you a sexy seventy-year old like Kureha?!" Fernando cried.

"Kureha? She's my homegirl!" Grandma Magda said. The doorbell then rang.

"I'll get it," Yukari said before she walked to the front door and looked through the peephole. "Holy shit! Capricorns!"

Rhett got out one of his tomahawk axes.

"Go home, Capricorns! This is a territory for hipsters only!" Rhett yelled.

"But, Soren's on the other side of the door!" Teru cried.

"Who cares about Uncle Soren?! He owes me five bucks!" Lien cried.

"Everyone, shut up!" Alto yelled like Germany from Hetalia.

"Germany?" Several Hetalia fans asked from five miles away. With a sigh, Yukari turned to her crew.

"Looks like we have to face the music. Kazura, if past!dad wants you to become the World's Greatest Swordsman, you're free to throw a copy of _Gone With the Wind_ at his balls," Yukari explained.

"Roger that," Kazura said as he pulled out a copy of _Gone With the Wind_. Yukari answered the door to the Capricorns, who were singing some non-Christmas carols.

"_Treasure maps for a dream,  
>Operator, please,<br>Call me back when it's time.  
><em>_Stolen friends and disease,_  
><em>Operator, please<em>  
><em>Pass me back to my mind<em>

_Oh, can it be,_ _the voices calling me?_  
><em>They get lost and out of time.<br>__I should've seen it glow,_  
><em>But everybody knows<em>  
><em>That a broken heart is blind<em>  
><em>That a broken<em> –" The Capricorns sang before Yukari cleared her throat.

"Oh, hey, Kaya. Have you seen Usopp anywhere?" Yuki-Rin asked her future daughter. Yukari's eye twitched, but she still smiled.

"Check the Thousand Sunny," Yukari answered.

"Thank you!" Yuki-Rin said before the Capricorns left. Yukari slammed the door.

"And?" Kazura asked Yukari.

"They. Mistook me. For. Usopp's. Friend with benefits!" Yukari yelled. "I mean, Goddamn it, I'm the daughter of Yuki-Rin in twenty years, not Usopp's friend Kaya!"

"You know what? I think we should go back to 1544. 1524 scares me. A lot," Kazura explained.

"That's what the Capricorns will do to you," Stella-Rondo said. Kuma appeared again.

"Where would you like to go today?" Kuma asked the Libras.

"Take us back to 1544! We don't belong here!" Kazura sobbed.

"Fair enough," Kuma said with a shrug. With a flash of light, the Capricorns ended up back on the Coachella.

"Thank God, we're home!" Kazura cried.

"My Peace tea/sketchbook/laptop cozy/favorite flannel shirt/Matt and Kim CDs/first edition copy of _The Grapes of Wrath_/photo album filled with pictures of Soren being sexy," The Libras said as they hugged items dear to them. Yukari cleared her throat.

"Do we all agree that we're never doing that again?" Yukari asked. "I don't care if we have to make subsequent appearances in this crack fic series, but we are never going back to Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Christmas Village in the year 1524 again. Now I know why people shudder when they mention that place."

The Libras shuddered.

"Captain, you don't know ANYTHING that goes on in Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village," Grandma Magda explained.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see the Straw Hats in a clichéd Christmas movie, the Capricorns decorate their Christmas tree, or if you want to see the Admirals bake Christmas cookies!<strong>


	8. How the Pirates Saved Christmas

**Author's Note: **This chapter was originally supposed to be part of last year's updates for that fic, but it didn't happen since I didn't have enough time to finish it. Instead, you're getting it this year.

Okay, so, does anybody remember the movie _How the Toys Saved Christmas_? Given that it's a childhood movie I remember (and a movie you probably remember, too) I decided to give it the **DysFUNctional Pirates** treatment and parody it so hard, it's unrecognizable in the end. Let's begin this parody!

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _How the Toys Saved Christmas_.**

* * *

><p>In the town of Grand Line, there was a kindly old woman named Dr. Kureha. Every Christmas, Dr. Kureha delivered toys and candy to all of the boys and girls of Grand Line. She also delivered adult toys and videos, booze, and cigarettes to the adults of Grand Line. But, this Christmas would be different.<p>

"Son of a [bleep]! I've fallen and I can't get up!" Dr. Kureha cursed, for she had fallen on the floor while trying to get some bourbon. "Chopper, get yo' ass in here!"

Chopper, Dr. Kureha's loyal assistant, ran into the room.

"Yes, Doctor - Oh, my God! Somebody get a doctor!" Chopper yelled, saying the "Oh, my God" part like Osaka from Azumanga Daioh.

"You are a doctor, dumbass!" Dr. Kureha yelled.

"Oh, yeah! Never remind me again, you promiscuous bitch!" Chopper yelled as he did his happy dance.

"Anyway, Chopper, I've fallen and I can't up," Dr. Kureha stated. Chopper walked over to her and pressed the button on the Life Alert pendent in Dr. Kureha's pocket.

"Don't worry, Doctorine, Life Alert is on its way!" Chopper said. A few minutes later, Dr. Kureha was being loaded into an ambulance.

"Don't touch me, you harpies!" Dr. Kureha yelled to the paramedics before turning to Chopper. "Chopper, get some friends together and deliver anything that's in wrapped boxes to my friends on MySpace, Facebook, 4chan, and Craigslist. Do it before tomorrow - Christmas Day - and the Cipher Pol 9 won't find us."

"Got it! Wait, who are the -" Chopper asked before the ambulance drove away. "Come back soon, Doctorine!"

A few minutes later, Chopper arrived at the doctor's office/makeshift toy shop/Chinese takeout shop he and Dr. Kureha shared.

"I hope the Cipher Pol 9 doesn't find me," Chopper said.

"Too late. We found you."

Chopper turned back, and he saw the CP9. He tried to hide behind a conveniently-placed door, but most of his body wasn't behind the door.

"Hahahaha! Epic fail!" Lucci laughed.

"What do you want?! Doctorine warned me about you harpies!" Chopper asked.

"Well, Dr. Kureha and I went on a gambling binge to Laughlin, Nevada, which is near Vegas. We were too broke to go to Vegas, and Kureha managed to fall into some debt. If she doesn't deliver my porn - I mean, a toy choo-choo train for my non-existent son - to me by tomorrow, things will happen. Not-nice things," Spandam explained.

"What do you mean "not-nice things"?" Chopper asked Spandam.

"Have you met Mr. Shanking Knife?" Spandam asked. Chopper screamed and ran away. The CP9 sweatdropped.

"Spandam, you weren't supposed to scare him!" Kalifa said.

"But, 'Mr. Shanking Knife' sounded cute!" Spandam argued.

"Yeah, well, you're not using that term anymore!" Jyabura ordered.

"Screw the rules, I have money!" Spandam argued.

* * *

><p>Chopper wandered the streets, deep in thought. What were the CP9 going to do with him? When would Dr. Kureha get out of the hospital? Why was Dr. Kureha on Craigslist and what did she sell?<p>

"Why is Doctorine on Craigslist?" Chopper said. The sounds of not-Christmas music brought Chopper out of his thoughts.

_She had excuses and she chose to use them  
>She was the victim of unspeakable abuses<br>Her husband was violent malicious and distant  
>Her kids now belong to the state of Massachusetts<em>

Chopper went to the source of the noise, and it was to a loud Christmas party his BFF, Luffy, was holding. Due to the fact that somebody was playing Dropkick Murphys songs at full blast, Chopper had to yell like Billy Mays to get everyone's attention.

"SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO HAVE A SMOKE BREAK OVER HERE!" Chopper yelled. All eyes turned to the reindeer as the music stopped playing.

"Sugoi! There's a reindeer here! Let's play with him!" Luffy shouted. Chopper slapped him. "Ow! What was that for?!"

"Bitch, PLEASE! I need you guys' help!" Chopper yelled.

"Aww! The reindeer can swear! Say some more swear words!" Nami said, obviously drunk.

"Guys, snap out of it! It's me, Chopper!" Chopper yelled. Everyone turned to him.

"Who are you?" Bepo asked Chopper.

"I'm Canada, dayo," Chopper said.

"Hey, that's my line!" Canada from Hetalia cried. Everyone turned to the source of the voice.

"Who are you?" Nami asked Canada.

"I'm Canadia," Canada said meekly before he and Akainu rode away on a Christmas-themed Nyan Cat. Akainu was dressed as a fairy.

"Hey, now!" Akainu cried as he, Canada, and Nyan Cat flew away.

"Pick up Mal while you're at it! The poor thing is insane, and she needs to be institutionalized in an insane asylum, STAT!" Yuki-Rin yelled out to the flying Pop-Tart cat.

"And Dr. Frank-En-Furter! He needs to go to Hell!" Sanji yelled. Yuki-Rin pimp-slapped Sanji across the face.

"Sanji, we need to focus on the mission at - Wait? What mission?" Yuki-Rin asked everyone.

"Alright, people, listen up! Dr. Kureha is in the hospital, and we need to deliver all of her presents by tomorrow, or else we get to meet Mr. Shanking Knife!" Chopper explained.

"Saving Christmas? That's cute," Wenqing said apathetically.

"Well, let's split up to do this. The Supernovas and the Straw Hats have uptown, while the Capricorns and the Libras have downtown," Nami suggested. This was met with outrage.

"Excuse me, but I am NOT working with them! They do not fit the proper definitions of a hipster!" Wenqing cried.

"Are you serious?! I can't! No, no, I'm NOT doing that! I'm sorry!" Kazura cried.

"I agree with Kazura-ya! This is too mainstream!" Law yelled.

"If you don't like it, then leave!" Chopper yelled.

"I was going to leave anyway!" Bonney shouted before she left with Law and the Libras. Everyone else grew silent.

"Is this the part where we start the kicking?" Usopp asked.

"No, Usopp. That's in a chorus line," Sanji pointed out.

"Kicking?! We get to kick?!" Ace yelled before he kicked Kalifa in the backside.

"That's sexual harassment!" Kalifa yelled before she got out a trombone. Then, Ace screamed like a girl and ran away, with Kalifa following suit. After a few minutes in silence, Ace returned, and his body was stuck in the trombone.

"Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights one," Ace announced. Nami sighed and looked at the non-existent watch on her wrist.

"Guys, we need to start saving Christmas," Nami reminded everyone.

"Hell no! The Fruity Rumpus Factory Party is on!" Luffy cried. Nami facepalmed.

"There are children in need here in Grand Line, Luffy! And, some of these children were on BBC's Children in Need last month! Don't make things more difficult for them!" Nami explained.

"Hey, guys, if Kalifa already came here, then where's the rest of CP9?" Heathcliffe asked everyone.

"I sent them away to Vegas."

Dr. Kureha approached the group.

"Doctorine! You're supposed to be in the hospital!" Chopper cried.

"It was just a flesh wound!" Dr. Kureha argued.

"And the CP9?" Nami asked.

"That was an excuse to get the Capricorns and the Libras to stop fighting and to put aside their differences," Dr. Kureha explained.

"You're too late for that. The Libras walked out," Kazuma explained. Dr. Kureha facepalmed.

"Well, we still need to save Christmas, so grab a gift and help me!" Dr. Kureha yelled. On a rooftop above them, Bonney, Law, the Libras, and the CP9 were watching the Straw Hats, Capricorns, and the rest of the Supernovas save Christmas.

"This is the worst Christmas special ever! I want to go home!" Law whined.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want me to make "heartwarming" (as in, cracky and mind-scarring) parodies of Christmas works such as <em>Miracle on 34th Street<em>, _A Christmas Story_, or even the Doctor Who Christmas specials.**


	9. The Twelve Days of Christmas

**Author's Note: **Do you like the song _The Twelve Days of Christmas_, but do you struggle to find the meaning to that song? Well, we're dissecting the song right here and now!

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Twelve Days of Christmas_.**

* * *

><p><strong>A Partridge in a Pear Tree<strong>

"Showtarou… Get your bird off of me."

It was the day before Christmas, and Ajax was resting in tree!Gareth.

"Chill the frick out. Ajax is making a nest right now. You'll be fine," Showtarou explained.

"He's making a nest ON ME! I was never gay for – Err… Pigeon-sexual for Ajax. It's bestiality and it's wrong on so many levels," Gareth explained. Showtarou sighed as he rolled his eyes.

"Soren, can you get over here?! Bring your axe!" Showtarou cried out. But, Gareth transformed back into a human and Ajax flew away.

"That's not going to work," Gareth pointed out.

* * *

><p><strong>Two Turtle Doves<strong>

"What's a turtle dove?" Kazura asked one day.

"It's a turtle with dove wings. Or, it's a dove with a turtle shell. Or, it's a nice, little turtle that advertises Dove soap," Teru explained.

"Turtles can't fly or sell soap," Stella-Rondo pointed out.

"Wikipedia told me that it was a bird. Then again, Wikipedia tells me a lot of things, like the fact that Jake English from Homestuck is gay and that Twinkies will never expire," Lien explained. Everyone grew silent.

"Can we have a turtle dove?" Fernando asked everyone. Yukari facepalmed.

"No. We are not the Capricorns," Yukari answered.

* * *

><p><strong>Three French Hens<strong>

Doflamingo stumbled into his house, carrying three live chickens.

"I can't wait to open up Doflamingo Fried Chicken. For Christmas, I shall give Crocodile salmonella-infested mashed taters and gravy!" Doflamingo said before he broke into evil laughter. The police then pulled up to his house. "Oh, shit! It's the police!"

Smoker entered the house.

"So, you like to steal chickens on Christmas Eve, huh?" Smoker asked Doflamingo, who punched the Marine in the face.

"It's the spirit of giving, bitch!" Doflamingo yelled. Smoker sighed.

"Now, now…" Smoker said before he put on a pair of badass sunglasses, even though it was nighttime. "No need to get your feathers in a bunch."

_Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhh!_

* * *

><p><strong>Four Colly Birds<strong>

"Oh, I forgot to ask this earlier!" Pearl said. "What's a colly bird?!"

The rest of the Libras grew pale.

"No," Edmund said with a disapproving shake of his head.

* * *

><p><strong>Five Golden Rings<strong>

"Traffy, I finally figured out what the [Marik Ishtar's dad saying "Eff"] is going on in _Inception_!" Monet yelled as she ran into the submarine of the Heart Pirates. Law sighed.

"Make it quick! I need to film my First World Hipster Problems video!" Law yelled.

"Okay, so I finally realized that Mal's totem was the top. So, what totem does Cobb have? His wedding ring. He doesn't wear it in reality, and it's not on him when he gets home to his kids. Cobb IS in reality, Law!" Monet yelled. Law sighed.

"Good. Now, go find four more rings in famous movies and bring them to me. Doflamingo already destroyed my hipster bike, and I don't need him destroying my vintage coffee percolator," Law ordered like a hipster boss.

* * *

><p><strong>Six Geese-a-Laying<strong>

"Who the hell has the time, money, and patience to raise geese?!" Lucci cried.

"I do," Spandam said. He had six geese resting on him. "Meet Molly, Hussie, Floozy, The City of Pawnee, Indiana, Gus, and King Robert of House Baratheon, the First of his Name, King of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm."

The CP9 sweatdropped.

"Everyone calls him 'Bob'," Spandam added. "And, no, Jyabura, they are not doggie treats for your wolf form."

Jyabura then began making whining puppy noises.

"I want a goose," Kaku said.

"No! They're for me!" Spandam yelled.

"But, sharing is caring!" Kaku cried.

"Screw the rules, I have money!" Spandam argued.

* * *

><p><strong>Seven Swans-a-Swimming<strong>

It was the middle of a Shichibukai meeting, and Sengoku wheeled in a cage with seven swans.

"No, Sengoku! I'm on parole right now!" Doflamingo cried.

"This has nothing to do with your fried chicken venture!" Sengoku yelled. "You will raise these swans for a week to learn about parenting, the dangers of unsafe sex, animal care, and bird calls."

"This has to do with human mating? Sengoku, you sick man!" Mihawk yelled.

"Just shut up and take them! But, make sure to return these by five!" Sengoku yelled. "Oh, and Kuma doesn't get a swan. He gets a dodo, since we apparently ignore him during these meetings."

Kuma pouted.

* * *

><p><strong>Eight Maids-a-Milking<strong>

"This picnic can stop!"

Currently, the Capricorns and Libras were having a picnic at a cow farm. Yuki-Rin, Molly, Aki, Hana, Yukari, Stella-Rondo, Pearl, and Wenqing were forced to milk the cows, since Sebastian, Fernando, and Angelica forgot the milk.

"You know, we could just drink the buttermilk," Fernando suggested.

"Or, we can all drink booze and be happy!" Thierry argued. Stella-Rondo stood up in anger.

"I am so done," Stella-Rondo said before she walked away.

* * *

><p><strong>Nine Ladies Dancing<strong>

"So… How do you play this game?" Nami asked. Currently, the Straw Hats were at an arcade, and they wanted to play some Dance Dance Revolution.

"You hit the colorful buttons in time to the music. I play this game a lot, and I – Shit! Pretend you didn't hear that!" Sanji yelled. The other Straw Hats sweatdropped.

"Well, Cook-san, is there something you're not telling us?" Robin asked Sanji.

* * *

><p><strong>Ten Lords-a-Leaping<strong>

A few minutes later, Vivi joined the Straw Hats at the arcade.

"I'm here!" Vivi said breathlessly. "Now, what does Dance Dance Revolution have to do with Christmas?"

Sanji facepalmed.

"Ten Lords-a-Leaping! Duh!" Sanji yelled. "Now, who wants to play against me?!"

Luffy raised his hand. Sanji picked up Luffy and placed him on the DDR mat.

"How do you play this game again?" Luffy asked Sanji, who facepalmed again.

"You hit the freakin' buttons in time to the music!" Sanji yelled.

"Hey, why can't it be ten Time Lords-a-leaping?" Hana asked Sanji, who glared at Hana.

"This isn't Gallifrey One or Who Con! Go home!" Sanji yelled to the Doctor Who fangirl.

* * *

><p><strong>Eleven Pipers Piping<strong>

For some unfathomable reason, all of the Supernovas were forced to come together at a shooting range, where Stella-Rondo was giving them water pipes.

"Where's the rest of the sink?" Luffy asked Stella-Rondo.

"It's not used for a sink. Today, you're going to practice with these water pipes so they can be used as weapons," Stella-Rondo explained.

"Why? That makes no sense," Killer asked. Stella-Rondo hit Killer with her water pipe.

"Go watch Hetalia! Russia has one of these as weapons!" Stella-Rondo yelled.

Sadly, the Supernovas did not spend the day using water pipes as weapons. They all went to Denny's. Stella-Rondo was then stalked by Garp and his Brony club because she didn't return his water pipes.

* * *

><p><strong>Twelve Drummers Drumming<strong>

"I am so done!"

Currently, the Capricorns and the Libras were at a Christmas party organized by… Foxy and Makino?

"Can't we all just get along?!" Gareth cried.

"If you're Teru and Soren, then yes, you can get along. If you're not Teru and Soren, then we're probably going to beat each other up later tonight over something trivial," Kazura explained as he motioned to Teru and Soren, who were making-out under the mistletoe.

"Then what does this have to do with Twelve Drummers Drumming?" Yukari asked.

"I heard from Soren that he and Teru want twelve kids that know how to drum," Holden explained. Kazura turned pale.

"Don't have sex! You'll get pregnant and die!" Kazura yelled to Soren and Teru, who stopped making-out.

"Fine! We'll go get a room!" Soren yelled as he escorted Teru away. Kazura facepalmed.

"Done! I am so done!" Kazura said as he walked out of the edifice the party was in.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Did anybody count the number of times somebody said "I am so done" or any other variation of that phrase?

Next chapter is a collaboration with **luffykotheeevee**! Expect twice the randomness!

**Review if you want to see song dissections for _Jingle Bells_, _Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer_, or even _Gangnam Style_. (Does the last song count?)**


	10. It's a Very Merry Muppet Parody

**Author's Note: **Here's that collaboration with **luffykotheeevee **I was talking about in the last chapter. It all started when she wanted her OC, Maeve, in the chapter. It ended with this crack parody of _It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie_. Yeah...

**Disclaimer: luffykotheeeve owns Maeve and her personalities, I own the Capricorns and the Libras, and Eichiiro Oda owns the rest of the characters (except Dave Strider, since he is the property of Andrew Hussie).**

* * *

><p>"You did WHAT?!"<p>

It was a normal week in December, and the Straw Hats, the Capricorns, the Libras, the Supernovas, the Shichibukai, the CP9, Ace, Maeve and her personalities, Vivi, Sabo, Shanks, Kaya, Garp, Sengoku, Nojiko, Smoker, Tashigi, and Yasopp received some shocking news when they arrived at the One Piece studios.

"I sold the One Piece studios. In true clichéd Christmas movie fashion, we've fallen on hard times," Odacchi explained.

"What the hell?! That doesn't make any sense! One Piece is WAY popular! You can't sell the studios!" Nami cried.

"Odacchi, you… You… You Pencil!" Maeve yelled. "Thanks, Jodie, for the insult."

"Pencil? Is this the best you can come up with?" Rubio asked Maeve. Odacchi sighed.

"However, if you can pay me an unspecified amount of cash by six o'clock on Christmas Eve, we stay in the studio and we don't have to share a studio with the cast of Bleach," Odacchi explained.

"Bleach got cancelled," Nojiko pointed out. Odacchi sighed.

"If you need me, I'm going to go lock myself in my house, make myself some waffles, and I'm going to go watch _Mean Girls_," Odacchi said before leaving the studio.

"Watch _The Hunger Games_! It's a better movie than _Mean Girls_!" Yuki-Rin called out to the director.

"Okay. Now we need someone hero-esque" Yukari said. Sanji shot up, eagerly twirling around the room.

"Oh! I can! I'm hero-esque!" He shouted, trying to catch the Captain of the Libra's attention.

"Yes! Someone strong!" Nami said.

"I can take out a single Pacifista by myself" Sanji interjected.

"Someone smart!" Aki said.

"I can say mellorine in twelve different languages!" The blond cook declared.

"This calls for-" Robin started. Sanji jumped to the middle of the room.

"FOR THE LOVE OF JIMMY THE BISCUIT HUNTER! PICK ME! PICK ME!" he shouted.

"CHOPPER! We need you to suit up! You must go rob Rudolph and teach him that blue noses are better than red ones! Take Bullet with you."

At the last words, Maeve pointed at her gray haired alias, who was currently eating fruitcake in the corner.

"Wait! How the H-E-Double hockey sticks did I get out here!" He shouted. Nami facepalmed.

"Maeve, it's not going to work," Nami said bluntly.

"Now what do we do?" Kazura asked everyone. Everyone thought this over for a moment.

"Let's get naked!" Franky suggested.

"No, Franky. We only agreed to do that to sell real estate," Spandam said. Everyone sweatdropped.

"I could speak at the Learning Annex –" Hancock suggested before she was cut off.

"No! Do not want!" About ten people (Stella-Rondo, Shanks, Kaku, Mihawk, Gareth, Kalifa, Vivi, Kaya, Sayuki, and Kaoru) cried.

"I could open up a second Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village," Garp suggested. Everyone else shuddered.

"No. Just no," Nami said.

"How about we put on a play? At least we won't be scarring people for life and/or getting sued for it," Usopp suggested. Nami snapped her fingers.

"That's a great idea, Usopp!" Nami said. Everyone began talking in agreement.

"Wait a second!" Kartik yelled. "What play are we going to perform?"

Usopp pondered Kartik's question, stroking his invisible Seneca Crane beard whilst thinking.

"_Moulin Rouge_."

Everyone blinked in unison.

"Okay…" Nami said slowly.

"Okay! I have decided! Since I hate all the roles... I shall be the director!" Maeve interjected.

"What? No way!" Nami cried.

"Come on, Nami! I have the absolutely perfect role for you!" Maeve pleaded.

"Really?" Nami asked with sparkles in her eyes. Maeve nodded her head and held up a script. Nami swiftly grabbed the pamphlet. A minute later, when Nami realized the person that the mortician had in mind, the orange haired woman promptly smacked the younger girl with the script.

"I am NOT playing the Duke! You can have whoever you want be the other parts! However, under no circumstances will I be playing the Duke!" Nami yelled.

"Okay! Okay, okay! I understand! A different role! Just stop beating up the director!" Maeve cried.

"Glad we agree," Nami said.

"Okay! Let's all get into place! We shall get that money, even if technically the Capricorns, the Libras, and I don't really need it. Well, I do know that if we bomb this, then I still can mooch off of Ren," Maeve explained.

* * *

><p>Several nights later, it was the night of the play. Our favorite pirates were gathered backstage, wearing costumes that ranged from appropriate period attire (Kartik and Matsu), outrageous costumes (a pair of Fluttershy kigurumi pajamas for Garp), or their normal clothing (most of the Libras, Law, and Bonney).<p>

"Alright, peeps! This is it!" Maeve announced.

"I look like I belong in Okama Disneyland, and it's not good," Kidd said. He wore a T-shirt that said "Hooters: Los Angeles", a pink, feather boa, leopard-print short-shorts, fishnet tights, and high-heeled ankle booties that showed off his red-painted toenails.

"Nonsense! You look like an awesome worker at Moulin Rouge!" Maeve said.

"Are you doing drugs?!" Kidd yelled. A cow mooed in the distance.

"Time to start the show!" Maeve said. "Jodie, be on your best behavior. Aoi, stay here and watch _My Neighbor Totoro_ – It's for your own good. No, Bullet, don't eat those canned mushrooms! Leon, why didn't you tell Bullet about the canned mushrooms?!"

Nami – who was dressed in a chicken suit – turned to Luffy.

"Go tell the audience why they wasted twenty bucks on tickets and ten bucks on snacks and drinks," Nami told Luffy. With a grin, Luffy stepped out from behind the curtain and onto the stage.

"Hi, everybody!" Luffy said to the audience, which consisted mainly of characters from Gintama, Katekyo Hitman Reborn, Homestuck, _The Hunger Games_, Fairy Tail, and other One Piece characters that weren't going to be used in this oneshot.

"Hi, Dr. Nick!" The audience replied.

"Now, you're here to see a play. It's a funny play. So, turn off all electronic devices so you can see our play!" Luffy explained. Everyone in the audience turned off their electronic devices.

"I'm leaving my phone on for ironic purposes!" Dave Strider shouted from somewhere in the middle of the audience. Luffy smiled.

"And, now here's the show! Don't miss it!" Luffy said. Rhett walked up to Luffy, handed him a slip of paper, and walked away. "Oh! During the play, your car may be subject to various break-ins –"

Luffy was pulled off-stage by a cane. Maeve came out with a huge book titled _A Dance With Dragons_. Maeve then turned to one of the Arianne P.O.V. chapters and cleared her throat.

"Once, in a mystical land called Canada –" Maeve read from the book before she was cut off by somebody – Or was she?

"Finally, someone remembered me!" Canada from Hetalia yelled. The audience gasped.

"Wait, what?" Maeve cried. Luffy ran back onstage to whisper something to Maeve. A few seconds later, Luffy pulled a lemon from his vest and walked off-stage.

"Oops, sorry, folks. That's a typo. Let me start over... AOI, I TOLD YOU TO WATCH _MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO_... I KNOW YOU'VE SEEN IT A HUNDRED TIMES... FINE! JUST WATCH STRONG WORLD! WE NEED TO DO RESEARCH ON THAT ANYWAY! YES, WE WILL RAISE THAT MONEY! Ahem, Once, in a mystical land called... Meatland. There lived a young straw hat wearing teen named... LUFFY! I SAID YOU'RE THE NARRATOR! BESIDES, THE WORLD DOESN'T HAVE THAT MUCH MEAT!" Maeve yelled before she ran backstage. The sounds of somebody getting beaten up echoed across the theater, prompting the viewers to slowly get up. Then, the curtain rose, and everyone sat back down.

"_Actually, this play is set in France, during a wild time known as 1899_," Enlai narrated.

"_It was so wild, people partied in windmills_," Alto narrated.

"_Like these guys_…" Sanji narrated. The curtains opened, revealing Stella-Rondo, Garp, and Rubio standing around a bubbling cauldron, dressed as Flora, Fauna, and Merriwhether.

"Bubble, double, toil, and trouble..." Stella-Rondo, Garp, and Rubio chanted.

"Wait, why am I dressed as a fairy woman? What happened to my Fluttershy jammies?!" Garp cried.

"Yeah, why?" Rubio asked, not amused that he was cosplaying as a fairy.

"I don't care! Just finish the scene!" Stella-Rondo cried, concerned for her dignity.

"No! It's a question that must be answered!" Rubio cried before the three looked to Maeve for answers like she was Ask Jeeves.

"No reason..." Maeve said as she slowly hid a digital camera behind her back. The curtain fell as Rubio tried to get his picture from Maeve. Matsu walked out onto the stage, which was pretty much the same except for an extremely large box of donuts with a door cut out. The words above the door said, 'apartmant builedin'. Large stink lines floated up to the ceiling and our light producer (Enel) fell to the floor with x's in front of his eyes. Backstage…

"Okay, who was in charge of set?!" Maeve asked everyone.

"Leon and I," Zoro answered. He was dressed as a gypsy.

"Oh... You two did a good [Twinkies riding motorcycles on tacos] job!" Maeve said sarcastically.

"I know…" Zoro said with a sigh. Back onstage…

"Well, I'm finally here! I just know that my life will be way better here!" Matsu said as she skipped around like she was Mary Poppins.

"Seriously?" The audience asked as the rest of the Capricorns (save for Kartik and Karin) and the Libras crashed onto the stage from the ceiling. Backstage…

"My Lord.. She's going to die!" Jodie cried.

"How'd you get here?!" Zoro cried.

"Well, excuse me princess!" Jodie yelled before she flew away on Nyan Cat.

"That's MR. Princess to you!" Zoro yelled. Back with Matsu, she took several tentative steps towards the large 'building' before falling to the ground because of the smell.

"_Sorry folks! We'll be back after we use the jaws of life to revive Christian... I mean.. Christina_!" Luffy yelled as the curtains fell. Everyone in the audience sweatdropped.

* * *

><p>After the play, which consisted of craziness such as using the Bed Intruder Song as a love song, the movie <em>Inception <em>being put on as a play-within-a-play (play-ception), and silly costumes…

"Okay, we did good! Now, Usopp, take this duffel bag to the bank so we can keep One Piece studios open! I kinda want to make it beyond the Baratie arc!" Maeve explained.

"Okay!" Usopp said as he grabbed the duffel bag and left. Five minutes later, Usopp arrived at the bank, and reached to open the bag. However, when he opened the bag, Bullet popped out of the bag.

"How did I get here?" Bullet asked, peeking out of the bag wearing the Sogeking mask.

"Well, when a man and a woman –" Usopp answered before Bullet cut him off.

"No! Do not want!" Bullet cried before he bitch-slapped Usopp and ran away. A few minutes later, a dejected Usopp arrived at the cast party at Chuck-E-Cheese.

"Bazinga!" Maeve yelled as she popped out from underneath several balls in the ball pit. "Oh, Usopp, why are you sad?"

"Looks like we're saying good-bye to One Piece studios," Usopp explained.

"Don't worry about it, Usopp! Wolfgang transferred the money electronically on his phone! We're fine!" Maeve said. Usopp smiled.

"Well, I guess I have nothing to be sad about. It's Christmas," Usopp said.

"Spoiler alert, I'm your Secret Santa," Daruma said as he handed a wrapped box to Usopp. Usopp looked to the gift, and to the greasy-haired, muscular, goatee-d, perpetually shirtless twenty-something.

"I need an adult!" Usopp screamed before he shoved the gift into Daruma's hands and ran away.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>For starting this fanfic up again a week ago, I'm writing at a very good pace. It's not even December, and we already have four new chapters of this fic out. That's a new record.

**Review if you want to see parodies of Christmas movies from _Elf_ to _It's a Wonderful Life_ to _Tokyo Godfathers_ (That movie takes place during Christmas. It should count. -.-)**


	11. Christmas in the 1920's

**Author's Note: **This is a Christmas-themed special to the **DysFUNctional Pirates** story _A Chapter Set in the 1920's_. Yes, I know Usopp and Yasopp moved to Chicago at the end of that story, but pretend they didn't for the sake of this oneshot.

**Disclaimer: I don't own any characters Eichiiro Oda made.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day in 1920's New York as Usopp and his dad ate breakfast. The day was not that normal for two reasons – One, it was Christmas Eve. And, two, Yasopp wasn't going to spend the day making illegal booze, selling crystal meth on the streets, making counterfeit wallets, beating up his boss' boss, or throwing mad office raves.<p>

"Son, do you know what today is?" Yasopp asked Usopp, who looked up from his box of Fruit Loops.

"Is it the day you finally stop making illegal booze, selling crystal meth on the streets, making counterfeit wallets, beating up your boss' boss, and throwing mad office raves?" Usopp asked his dad. A laugh track went off in the background.

"Sorry, son, but your dad has that Christmas rave at the office today," Yasopp said as he slipped on a glowstick necklace, Ring Pops, and Venetian blind sunglasses. "Go hang out with Nucky Thompson or Al Capone or something."

"Uhh… Dad, those are gangsters," Usopp pointed out. Yasopp glared at Usopp through his Venetian blind sunglasses.

"Go to your room," Yasopp told Usopp. Somebody knocked on the door. "Usopp, could you get that for me? Daddy needs to pump his shotgun."

Usopp answered the door to Holden. Like always, Holden was wearing a sexy gangster suit, because he was part of the mafia.

"My dad's pumping his shotgun right now, just saying," Usopp warned Holden.

"Actually, no. I need advice. Love advice," Holden explained. "You see, I'm having a Christmas party tonight that's sure to be the bee's knees. And – Uhh… You know Hana Yakushi, right? She's the dame I have the hots for."

"Can I ask Luffy for help?" Usopp asked the sexy mafioso.

"Go ahead," Holden said as he sat down. "I'll just sit here and eat some Teddy Grahams."

Usopp walked over to his hamburger phone and began dialing a number.

"_Hello?_"

"Luffy, Merry Christmas Eve! Listen, I need your help. Holden's having a Christmas party tonight, and he wants to confess to this broad he loves. What do I do?" Usopp asked Luffy, who thought this over for a moment.

"_We need to go deeper_."

The horns from the _Inception_ trailer music then went off in the background.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Luffy, Usopp, and Holden decided to discuss Holden's troubles at the hippest place in town – The donut shop Tashigi worked at.<p>

"More coffee, birds?" Tashigi asked the sexy gangster and his two friends.

"Pass," Holden said.

"Coffee?! I want some coffee!" Luffy yelled like the pink unicorn in Charlie teh Unicron.

"Just get me another donut, Tashigi," Usopp said.

"Coming right up!" Tashigi yelled.

"Hey, Tashigi, how do you get a hot racketeer to confess to the dame he loves?" Usopp asked Tashigi, who stopped in her tracks.

"That is not my problem. Twenty-three skidoo," Tashigi said.

"And that means?" Usopp asked, as he was still learning 1920's lingo and slang.

"Get out before I give you three a funcussion!" Tashigi yelled before she threw the three out of the donut shop.

"Usopp, Holden… I think I got a funcussion," Luffy said weakly.

"I'm bored, let's go annoy hipsters," Holden suggested.

"Hey, what do you have against hipsters?!" Law yelled as he was biking down the street on his vintage, three-speed bicycle.

"You don't know who the Ramones are!" Holden yelled as he chased Law down the street. Usopp turned to Luffy.

"Should we follow him?" Usopp asked Luffy.

"We need to go deeper," Luffy answered. The horns from the _Inception_ trailer music went off again. Down the street…

"Kazura, you owe me ten dollars. A bell does not go off everytime the horns from the _Inception_ trailer go off during this chapter," Yukari explained. Kazura handed Yukari a ten-dollar bill, whilst muttering something about how the 1920's were "too mainstream". Back with Holden, Usopp, and Luffy, they were at the movies.

"I don't understand how movies will help me confess to Hana," Holden said.

"Just play along, Holden," Usopp said as the three went into a theater room that was showing the movie _Sex Drive_. Some time later…

"So, I need to take Hana on a road trip so we can make-out?" Holden asked Luffy and Usopp as they exited the theater.

"Yeah! That's all you need to do!" Luffy answered.

"Luffy, I don't think that's how – " Usopp interjected before Luffy cut him off.

"I'm not your mom!" Luffy cried. Holden sighed.

"Thanks for the advice, broskis," Holden thanked the two Straw Hats.

"No prob," Luffy said. He was now wearing badass shades and he had a cigar in his mouth.

"Now what do we do?" Usopp asked Holden.

"We're going to my Christmas party," Holden explained as they approached a pimped-out mansion. Inside, several people were partying.

"Names?" A guy wearing the Deadmau5 hat asked the three.

"Who are you? And what are you doing at my house?" Holden asked the strange man. The man pulled off his Deadmau5 hat, revealing Wolfgang.

"Dude, it's me, Wolfgang," Wolfgang answered. "Oh, by the way, your mom makes the best bacon."

"Why are you still at my house?" Holden asked Wolfgang.

"I need Deadmau5 tickets," Wolfgang said with a shrug. Luffy, Usopp, and Holden went into Holden's mansion, where a lot of people were for the Christmas party.

"Now what? We're at my house, so we need to find Hana," Holden asked Luffy and Usopp.

"We need to go deeper," Luffy said. But, before the horns from the _Inception_ trailer music went off, Usopp screamed.

"No, we don't need to go deeper! This is not _Inception_!" Usopp cried.

"Actually, Luffy's right. We need to go deeper into the room so we can get to the mistletoe," Holden explained.

"Then, we must go deeper," Luffy added. Then, the horns from the _Inception_ trailer music played for the last time in this chapter.

"Thanks for the advice," Holden said before he walked to the center of the room, where Yuki-Rin and Kazuma (who were both dressed in samurai gear) were making-out under the mistletoe. Holden then pimp-slapped Yuki-Rin and Kazuma to the ground.

"What the hell?! You're not Yasopp!" Kazuma cried.

"Where's Hana?" Holden asked the couple. Hana approached Holden, and she was dressed as a flapper.

"Yes?" Hana asked Holden, who grabbed her.

"Hana… I… I love you," Holden stuttered sexily. Hana smiled.

"You're sexier than the TARDIS," Hana said before she and Holden began making-out. The non-existent studio audience went "Ooh".

"Get a room!" Kartik yelled as Yasopp ran into the party and hid under a table.

"Dad, you weren't invited to this party," Usopp pointed out.

"I know I wasn't!" Yasopp shouted. "I was making illegal booze, selling crystal meth on the streets, making counterfeit wallets, beating up my boss' boss, and throwing ANOTHER mad office rave!"

Yasopp began to cry as he held onto his son's ankle. Usopp sighed.

"Dad, when will you learn?" Usopp asked his dad.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see Chopper wrap presents in a cracky manner, Hody Jones as Santa Claus with Arlong as his Mrs. Claus, or if you want to see Luffy get a funcussion while decorating the Sunny for Christmas.<strong>


	12. Worst Christmas Ever

**Author's Note: **Not all Christmases are happy. Let's take a look at a crappy Christmas, shall we?

**Disclaimer: I only own the Capricorns and the Libras.**

* * *

><p>It was the morning of December 25th, and Wolfgang was the only Capricorn awake. What was he doing? He was trying to program the Christmas lights so they could play a continuous mix consisting of Daft Punk, Deadmau5, Kors K, DJ Taka, and other electronic and house – not dubstep – artists.<p>

"Come on… Come on…" Wolfgang said as he typed some stuff on his Macbook. "Perfect!"

Then, the tree caught on fire.

"What in the name of Steve Jobs did I do?!" Wolfgang cried as he put out the fire. Sadly, all of the presents and the trees were burnt to a crisp. "Well, shit. I shouldn't have put Shinee in this year's playlist."

"What just happened? I just smelled smoke and heard you shouting about Steve Jobs."

Wolfgang turned back, and he saw the Capricorns. Wolfgang then stood in front of his Macbook, the burnt tree, and the burnt presants. "Uhh… Go watch _Inception_ or something! I'm busy!"

"Doing what? Downloading porn?" Enlai asked.

"No. Just… Go do something distracting," Wolfgang said before he ran off. To distract themselves, the Capricorns all sat down and stared at the wall. Twenty minutes of silence later…

"I think we need a new paint job…" Gareth said before Wolfgang ran in with a sack of presents. "Took you long enough! You didn't have to go all the way to Croatia!"

"Just shut up and open this before I go mad," Wolfgang explained as he passed the gifts out the the Capricorns. The Capricorns then opened their gifts, revealing some very odd stuff.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Blaise asked as he held up his gift, which was a cardboard cutout of the Japanese celebrity Hard Gay.

"Put it in your room! Duh!" Wolfgang answered.

"But, Hard Gay scares me," Kazuma said.

"He's not going in your room!" Wolfgang yelled.

"Where the hell is my gift?!" Enlai cried. Wolfgang pulled a coupon for Pinkberry out of his pocket and gave it to Enlai.

"Merry Christmas, now shut up," Wolfgang said bluntly. Enlai tore up the coupon.

"You're an asshole. I'm gonna go infect your Macbook with viruses," Enlai retorted as he got up. "Also, you ruined Christmas. You burned our presents and our tree."

Every Capricorn except Wolfgang got out their weapons.

"Listen, I can explain," Wolfgang said.

"Explain what? The reason why you got me the _Fifty Shades of Grey_ trilogy? That is not literature. It is poorly-written fanfiction of the _Twilight _saga, which is a very poorly-written book," Kartik explained.

"And is that the same reason why you got me a Watson x Mrs. Hudson doujinshi?! I wanted a Johnlock doujinshi!" Hana cried. "Oh, and why did you get me the Equius T-shirt?! I wanted the Terezi T-shirt!"

"What the hell is a Sega Dreamcast?!" Daisuke cried as he held up a Sega Dreamcast. "I asked Santa for a Wii U, not whatever the hell this is!"

"Why didn't you steal one?" Yulia asked Daisuke.

"Shut up. Target was all out them," Daisuke explained. Wolfgang sighed.

"Now what do we do?" Wolfgang asked as everyone lowered their weapons.

"Just keep calm and carry on, people," Daisuke said to everyone.

"Am I the only one who thinks the Libra Pirates are watching us somewhere?" Kazuma asked everyone.

"We were. Starbucks is a great place to stalk people."

The Libras approached the Capricorns.

"Go home, hipsters," Gareth told the Libras.

"No. Teru's staying," Soren argued.

"Actually, no. We aren't staying here," Yukari explained.

"One, we have a general dislike of you. And, two, you pretty much ruined Christmas for everyone when you burned down your tree and your presents," Kazura explained.

"Instead, we're going to spend the day doing what we want to do – Seeing _The Spanish Inn_ at the revival theater, going out for gelato, urban exploration, and a marathon of The Simpsons," Stella-Rondo explained. "Don't call us, we'll call you."

The Libras then left the Hyperion. Soren started to cry.

"Teru! Come back to me!" Soren sobbed. Heathcliffe sighed as he put a straightjacket on his older brother.

"Now what do we do?! We kicked the Libras out, Wolfgang burned our stuff, and now Soren's haing an emotional breakdown like he's Tyra Banks!" Heathcliffe asked his nakama.

"I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!" Soren yelled to Heathcliffe and Holden, who sweatdropped.

"Yeah… This is the worst Christmas ever," Gareth said.

"We know that, Gareth," Half of the Capricorns said.

"There's still time to save Christmas," Matsu told everyone.

"Yeah, if we did that, we'd miss the Doctor Who Christmas special," Hana explained.

"Plus, it's not Christmas until we play the song _House of Capricorn_ at full blast," Daisuke added.

"That's our Daisuke!" The rest of the Capricorns said. Then, a piece of paper blew into the Hyperion. Yuki-Rin picked it up and read it over.

"Bingo! Let's go save Christmas and redeem ourselves!" Yuki-Rin said. With the Libras…

"Hahahaha. No," Edmund said before he toasted his coffee with Rhett.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Matsu was competing in a game show. The Capricorns were sitting in the green room, watching Matsu epically fail as the Rise Against song <em>Savior <em>played in the background.

"Why is this happen?!" Kartik sobbed. "Matsu had this! She had this! Why did they have to give her a question on TUPAC SHAKUR of all people?! Matsu doesn't even like rap! They should've given her a question on Mozart, and she would be fine!"

Karin put her arms around Kartik.

"Sweetie, it'll be okay. We can elope to Vegas, skip the wedding, and have the wedding nigh –" Karin explained before Kartik's skin turned grey and he grew Troll horns.

"Get the FUCK out of my face, woman! I don't need you! I've got Mr. Darcy, and he always listens to me!" Kartik yelled in a demonic manner. Matsu then entered the room, prompting Kartik to change from a Homestuck Troll back into a human. "How badly did we lose?"

"A thousand dollars," Matsu answered. Wolfgang screamed and began clutching his hair.

"No, no, NO!" Wolfgang screamed. "We can't be down a thousand dollars! I'm too greedy and wealthy to be on Extreme Couponing! I am going to freaking cut a bitch!"

Heathcliffe took the straightjacket off of Soren and put it on Wolfgang.

"There. Now you and my brother can be insane asylum patients together," Heathcliffe said re-assuringly. A few minutes later, the Capricorns were walking back to the Hyperion.

"This is the worst Christmas ever! I hate you, Taylor Swift!" Gareth cried.

"Guys… Why are people on the Hyperion?" Hana asked as she pointed to the Hyperion, where many people were carrying the Capricorns' possessions out of the ship.

"What the hell?!" The Capricorns cried.

"That's what you get for ruining Christmas!" Lien yelled as he carried a Portal gun away from the ship.

"Hey! That's my Portal gun that I got in a dream-within-a-dream where I fought in the Hunger Games!" Hana cried.

"Finder's keepers!" Lien yelled before he ran away.

"Oh, and fuck yo' couch!" Zoro yelled as he and Franky carried away a couch with Fernando, Hody Jones, and Kalifa sitting on it. With a sigh, the Capricorns ran into their ship, where everything was gone.

"Well… At least we still have each other…" Matsu said in an effort to lighten the mood.

"And this bootlegged Portlandia DVD," Wolfgang said as he held up a bootlegged boxset of season 2 of Portlandia. Once again, the Capricorns took out their weapons.

"Give it to me," Yuki-Rin demanded.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see other crappy Christmases that involve Doflamingo getting sued, Usopp and Franky accidentally burning down the Sunny, or the Capricorns and Libras ending up on Jerry Springer.<strong>


	13. A Parody of Wakko's Wish

**Author's Note: **Yes, I am fully aware that _Wakko's Wish_ is not a Christmas movie. However, that movie does convey many of the themes, plot devices, and morals a Christmas movie would have, so that it why we're parodying _Wakko's Wish_.

Before we begin, I'd like to address one more thing - On Wednesday, my Winter Break begins, which means more time to update. We have eight days until Christmas, and I'll need a lot of time to make more Christmas crack stories. So far this year, I've written a fair amount of stories for this fanfic, and let's hope that continues.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _Wakko's Wish_.**

* * *

><p>All was well in the small village of District 12 – I mean, Fuchsia. Everyone had a job, the kids went to school, and all was well.<p>

That is, until the Fire Nation attacked – I mean, Fuchsia Village went into a recession. Everyone was sad, so very sad. Even Tony Tony Chopper, the diabetes-inducing reindeer doctor, got sick from the sadness.

"When will Chopper get better? We need him so we can sell drugs – I mean, our elixir!" Rob Lucci cried as he sat with his fellow salespeople.

"I just hope I don't get sexually harassed during this chapter," Kalifa said out loud. Then, the town was engulfed in a brief flash of light that quickly dissipated.

"Woah… Pretty colors," Kaku said.

"That must be a wishing star. Let's go find it," Lucci said.

"Yes. We must," Spandam said before he started to pack. We decided to switch our focus to the protagonists of this fic, the Capricorn Pirates.

"Everyone! Run to the hills!" Daisuke shouted. The Capricorns nodded as they began to pack up a large sled that fit everyone. "Let's do this! We're making this happen!"

"Who died and made you take over Yuki-Rin's role?!" Hana yelled.

"Yo' mama!" Daisuke answered, which earned him a bitch slap from Hana.

"I just decided I'm not going. I need to go buy some McRibs before they get taken off store shelves again," Enlai said.

"Uhh… No, no, no, no, no. You're coming with us," Wolfgang said.

"What?! This is bullshit, man!" Enlai cried as he sat down on the sled. "_That's it, I'm wishing for some McRibs when we get the star._"

The sled began to move.

"Okay, we're performing an Inception on Baka Enlai so we can wean him off of McRibs," Wolfgang said to the rest of his crew. Rubio sighed.

"This happens every year, Wolfgang. Give it a fucking rest," Rubio said. Back in town, Garp and Sengoku were watching everything.

"You fluffy pillow! Do you know what you just caused?!" Sengoku asked Garp.

"The building of a mini-Equestria?" Garp asked Sengoku.

"No, you did not! The Straw Hat Pirates, the Eleven Supernovas, the Shichibukai, the Capricorn Pirates, the Libra Pirates, Cipher Pol 9, Smoker and Tashigi, Ace and Sabo, Vivi and Kohza, Shanks and Yasopp, Kaya, Nojiko and Bellemeré, and Monet all went to look for the wishing star!" Sengoku yelled. "You just caused a live-action Hunger Games! Way to go, Garp!"

Out of rage, Sengoku grabbed Garp's bag of cookies and threw them out the window.

"Awesome! Floor cookies!" Apis, Tajio, Saga, and some other chitlins from the filler arcs yelled from outside.

* * *

><p>Back with everyone else relevant to this story, they were still in the race for the wishing star. Currently, the Libra Pirates were in third place.<p>

"Okay, so far, it looks like we're beating a certain pirate crew that begins with 'Capricorn' and ends in 'Pirates'. If they manage to get the wishing star before us, I will summon Daenerys Targaryen, the Mother of Dragons, to them so they can get a taste of some dragons," Edmund explained.

"And what are we going to wish for?" Yukari asked Edmund.

"We can't wish the Capricorns out of existence, since that would mean that Yukari, Pearl, Lien, the Abingdon siblings, and I will cease to exist," Kazura added. Then, the Capricorns' sled passed the Libras' sled.

"What the hell?!" Edmund cried as he made the sled speed up. Edmund tried to get past the Capricorns' sled while some music that sounded like it was from Initial D played in the background.

"Wow… Who passed us?" Wenqing asked everyone. Stella-Rondo gave her a knowing look. "Oh."

Meanwhile, on the Capricorns' sled…

"Joltik have a symbiotic relationship with Blitzle, as the Joltik will attach itself to the Blitzle and feed it electricity and get stronger while the Blitzle provides protection. The Joltik detaches when either of them evolves," Gareth read from a book titled _Pokémon Biology for N00bs_.

"I feel so enlightened. Not," Heathcliffe said.

"I want a Blitzle now!" Holden squealed. Heathcliffe and Soren sweatdropped.

"I thought you wanted Heathcliffe's Spiritomb," Soren pointed out.

"Shut up! It's called 'priorities'!" Holden cried. Heathcliffe sighed.

"My hair's so dirty, it hurts…" Heathcliffe said sadly. On the sled of the Straw Hats…

"Can we go home now?" Sanji asked everyone.

"Go home? Why do you want to go home, Cook-san?" Robin asked Sanji, not looking up from her copy of _Fifty Shades of Grey_. Sanji then screamed like a girl.

"What is it? Did we forget to TiVO Boardwalk Empire?" Nami asked.

"We're all going to die! They're going to Reap us for the Hunger Games!" Sanji yelled. Only Franky screamed.

"Why am I screaming?!" Franky cried. "Why can't I go home, eat Cheetos in my tighty-whities, and be Wreck-it-Ralph?! Why do I have to go look for a star so it can give me a trophy wife?!"

Back with Garp and Sengoku…

"May the odds be ever in your favor," Garp said, facing the direction of the wishing star.

"My Lord… What in the name of Tardar Sauce the Angry Cat have we done?" Sengoku asked himself.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Straw Hats, the Supernovas, the Shichibukai, the Capricorns, the Libras, the CP9, Smoker, Tashigi, Ace, Sabo, Vivi, Kohza, Shanks, Yasopp, Kaya, Nojiko, Bellemeré, and Monet arrived at the location of the wishing star. The wishing star was on top of a giant, silver cornucopia that had everything from weapons to food and water to backpacks with weapons, food, and water surrounding it.<p>

"What in the name of the Bad Parent Hunter from the Fairly Odd Parents?!" Yasopp cried.

"What is this – A parody of _Wakko's Wish_ or the Hunger Games?!" Kartik asked everyone.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, let the 74th annual Hunger Games begin_."

Then, everyone who came to the wishing star began to fight.

"I will murder you, Dracule!" Alton yelled as he waved around an inflatable princess wand. Kazuma took the wand from the Libras' inventor and kicked Alton in the balls.

"Do NOT murder my idol!" Kazuma screcched. Monet put her hand over Kazuma's mouth.

"Shh… Shh… It'll all be over soon," Monet said re-assuringly (as in, with a perverted-sounding tone of voice) before Yuki-Rin knocked her down with her katana.

"Why are we in the Hunger Games?" Yuki-Rin asked as she helped Kazuma up.

"I dunno," Kazuma answered. "Say, want to play the star-crossed lovers angle like Katniss and Peeta?"

A few feet away, Gareth was waking up. Why was he the only one asleep? Who knows.

"What the hell just happened?" Gareth asked as he walked through the battlefield. He then noticed the star on top of the Cornucopia. "Well, as long as nobody's looking…"

Gareth's arms then turned into tree branches due to his Devil Fruit powers. With no hesitation, Gareth picked up the star and looked directly into it.

"I wish for all the McRibs in the world," Gareth told the wishing star. But, at that point, everyone who was fighting found out who got the wishing star.

"Gareth, you jackass!" Everyone yelled before they formed an angry mob and chased Gareth. Back with Garp and Sengoku…

"Merry Christmas, everyone!" Sengoku said to the viewers.

"And may the odds be ever in your favor!" Garp added.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see more Christmas crack stories from now until the end of Christmas!<strong>


	14. The Holiday Inn

**Author's Note: **We survived the apocalypse! We're going to have a Christmas after all!

Anyway, there's this famous Christmas movie called _Holiday Inn_. There's a famous hotel chain called Holiday Inn. I decided to make a parody of the movie where the Capricorns stay at a Holiday Inn hotel. And, this is the end result. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _Holiday Inn_. I have also never stayed at a Holiday Inn Hotel before, so I can't make a comment or use this oneshot to tell the world about the service of a hotel I stayed at.**

* * *

><p>It all started on the morning of Christmas Eve as Molly woke up.<p>

"Hey, Molly! I'm watching you through this hole in the wall!"

Molly looked to the source of the voice, and she saw a gaping hole in the wall. Kazuma was sitting inside of the hole.

"Son of a –" Molly said to herself before fangirlish screams cut her off.

"OMG! There's a giant crack in my bedroom wall! The Doctor's coming!" Hana shouted from her room. A few minutes later, the Capricorns were standing outside of the Hyperion, which was covered by a fumigation tent.

"Why did it have to be termites?! My ship!" Kartik sobbed as he curled up into the fetal position.

"Looks like we need to stay in a hotel for the night," Enlai said.

"It's December 24th. All the hotels are going to be booked for Christmas," Wolfgang explained.

"Not this island's Holiday Inn," Yuki-Rin said.

"Why Holiday Inn? Can we not afford the Four Seasons or something?" Hana asked Yuki-Rin.

"Arthur and Eames told me to stay at a Holiday Inn while I was in a dream within a dream within a dream," Yuki-Rin explained.

"Okay, may we take away your _Inception_ DVD?" Aki asked Yuki-Rin.

"Before you ask, no I am NOT watching _Breakfast at Tiffany's_. There's a word for girls who get paid to date men, and it is not 'Audrey Hepburn' or 'glamorous lady'," Yuki-Rin explained.

"It begins with 'P' and ends with '-rostitute'," Yulia said.

"In other words, Audrey Hepburn plays a prostitute in that movie," Hana explained. Yuki-Rin silently high-fived Hana.

"You sit on a throne of lies," Aki told Yuki-Rin.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Capricorns were getting ready to check in at the island's Holiday Inn. And, so did the Straw Hats.<p>

"Can we go to the pool now?! Can we go to the pool now?!" Chopper asked Sanji.

"No! Shut up and let me fill out these shitty forms!" Sanji yelled before he turned back to the receptionist, who was Baby 5. "Yeah, what's this 'While you collect rewards, we steal your money' promotion?"

The Capricorns sighed.

"This is going to take a while. Who wants to camp out here?" Yuki-Rin asked everyone.

"Challenge accepted," Wolfgang said as he got his Macbook out. "Now, let's play 'who the fuck has this hotel's wi-fi passcode?'"

* * *

><p>Later that evening, Sanji was still filling out forms. The Straw Hats left to go do other stuff.<p>

"Wait… Why do you need to know my address, cell phone number, credit card numbers, and if I can tie cherry stems with my tongue?" Sanji asked Baby 5.

"For safety and protocol reasons," Baby 5 answered.

"Why would 'having John Mayer on my iPod' or 'past experience cosplaying as a character from Sherlock' be for safety and protocol reasons?" Sanji asked Baby 5.

"It's better to be safe than sorry," Baby 5 explained. A few feet away, several of the Capricorns were doing stuff to keep them busy until they could check in – Yuki-Rin, Molly, Hana, and Kazuma were playing canasta against Nami and Chopper, Heathcliffe was sitting in a bubble bath while wearing only his black skinny jeans, Soren was on the phone with Teru, Wolfgang was watching cat videos on his laptop, Enlai was cooking a full-course Chinese meal, Kartik and Matsu were reading, Yulia, Daisuke, Gareth, and Rubio were looking at snacks at the minibar, and everyone else was watching T.V.

"…And hopefully, just knowing that I love you and I care makes you feel a little better… Or creeped out... Either way, you're feeling something," Heathcliffe explained as Holden shampooed his hair into funny shapes. Holden glared at his brother.

"You're no longer allowed to use Aki's shampoo to wash your hair," Holden explained. A few feet away, at the minibar…

"Is this what we seriously have to do when we check-in?" Daisuke asked his friends as they watched Sanji sign papers and question the things Baby 5 put on the forms.

"You're not the one checking us in. Wolfgang is," Gareth explained.

"How much do you want to bet that Wolfgang loses his mind when he does this?" Daisuke asked.

"Ten bucks," Yulia said.

"No, I bet twenty," Daisuke said.

"You're on!" Yulia said.

"Fifty dollars to reserve a table at the on-site sports bar?! What is this, a Motel 6?!" Sanji cried. "I just need a space for Christmas dinner tomorrow night! Is that too much to ask?!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but Christmas is tomorrow, and many people are going to spend it with their families," Baby 5 explained. Sanji sighed.

"How many more of these shitty forms do I have to fill out? I just want a room," Sanji asked.

"Just this one. It's our annual Christmas survey," Baby 5 explained as she handed Sanji another form, which Sanji scanned.

"How many laptop chargers did I buy over the last three years? Have I read the book _Snow Flower and the Secret Fan_? What the hell are these questions?! They have nothing to do with Christmas!" Sanji yelled before he tore up the survey. Baby 5 sweatdropped as she handed Sanji a room key.

"Your room is ready, sir. Our on-site bathhouse is closed for the night and will re-open tomorrow," Baby 5 explained.

"Thank Arceus!" Sanji yelled before he walked away.

"Hey, Wolfgang, you'd better check in before – oh, I don't know – the Libras take our rooms!" Gareth yelled to Wolfgang, who closed his laptop.

"Well, cut a bitch and call me Stacey's mom. Homestuck just updated," Wolfgang remarked as he walked to the check-in counter.

"Not yet, Wolfgang! Holden's not finished washing my hair!" Heathcliffe yelled from across the room.

"Yes, I'd like to check in," Wolfgang told Baby 5, who shoved a form in his direction.

"Sign here, here, and here, print your name right here, and put your initials right here," Baby 5 instructed.

"Wait, you have a right to take a kidney from me?" Wolfgang asked as he read the form. "Wait a second – This is the terms and conditions for iTunes."

"It's the spirit of the season," Baby 5 explained as she filed her sword-nails. The phone then rang. "Holiday Inn, this is Baby 5. How may I help you? Yes, we have your room. Come by to get it." (1)

Baby 5 hung up.

"We're sorry, but we had to give your room away to somebody else," Baby 5 explained. "Oh, and there are no more rooms left, so don't bother asking, even though it's Christmas."

"Who took our room?" Wolfgang asked. Then, the Libra Pirates entered.

"Excuse me, but is our room ready?" Alto asked Baby 5. Outside, Zoro was taking a leashed Chopper out for a walk, when they heard Wolfgang's screams.

"Oh, no! We need to call 911!" Chopper yelled. "Zoro, what's the number for 911?!"

Zoro facepalmed. Back inside, the Capricorns were discussing where to go next.

"Where are we going to go now that the fucking Libras stole our rooms?!" Enlai asked everyone.

"Don't say Motel 6. There is no way I'm living in filth and squalor and getting lice again," Heathcliffe explained. Matsu sighed.

"Let's go try again at the Hyatt," Matsu suggested.

"We should. We deserve a better hotel for Christmas," Wolfgang said.

"What did this oneshot have to do with the movie _Holiday Inn_?" Hana asked everyone.

"I think it's because we tried to stay at a Holiday Inn hotel," Yuki-Rin explained.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) <strong>- Since Baby 5's Devil Fruit makes her body made out of weapons, I think we can all assume that her fingernails are fingernail-shaped sword blades.

**Review if you want to see parodies of _Elf_, _Scrooged_, or even _Bad Santa_!**


	15. The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe

**Author's Note: **This is for all of my readers who like Doctor Who, including me! Enjoy a parody of the Christmas serial _The Doctor, The Widow, and the Wardrobe_!

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece and Steven Moffat owns Doctor Who.**

* * *

><p><strong>England, 1942<strong>

England was a rather depressing place to be in 1942, since it was during the height of World War II. Teru Sarutobi knew this for a fact. Her pilot husband, Soren, was killed in the Hunger Games – I mean, his plane crashed on his way home. Now, Teru had to raise her two children, Luffy and Nami, all alone.

"What in the name of Derpy Hooves?!" Teru cried. "Luffy and Nami are NOT our kids in the future! Luffy's Dragon's kid and Nami's Bellemeré's kid!"

"Play along. You know how much the authoress loves Doctor Who," Stella-Rondo explained off-screen. Teru huffed as she turned to her "children".

"Fake Mommy, what are we doing for Christmas?" Luffy asked the twenty-year old who was defintely not his mother.

"We're going to your Uncle Blaise's house, because Uncle Blaise is a creeper," Teru explained. "Wait… Blaise is my brother or in-law?! Is the authoress on crack?!"

"No. It was in the script," Nami explained as she held up a modified script for the Doctor Who episode _The Doctor, The Widow, and the Wardrobe_. "Also, we're supposed to go to Narnia later, and –"

Teru covered Nami's mouth.

"No spoilers!" Teru yelled. River Song then appeared.

"Spoilers," River told Teru. Kazura and Yukari then ran on-screen to grab River.

"No spoilers! Bad River!" Yukari and Kazura yelled as they dragged River away.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Teru, Luffy, and Nami arrived at a large castle.<p>

"Sugoi! We get to see Princess Zelda!" Luffy yelled.

"Fake Mommy, did we get lost?" Nami asked Teru, who facepalmed.

"For the last time, I'm not your mother! For the sake of this story, you two are adopted!" Teru yelled. Luffy began to cry. "Oh, don't cry, Luffy! I got you bacon for Christmas!"

Luffy stopped crying.

"Cool! I got bacon from Fake Mommy!" Luffy yelled as Teru rang the doorbell.

"Mr. Cardew?! Mr. Cardew?!" Teru yelled.

"Who's Mr. Cardew?" Luffy asked Nami.

"I was thinking it was Fulvia Cardew from _The Hunger Games_," Nami whispered back. However, a Mr. Cardew didn't answer the door. Instead, it was Wolfgang, who was dressed as the Eleventh Doctor.

"What in the name of Soren's hot body?!" Teru cried. Luffy, Nami, and Wolfgang sweatdropped.

"_Welcome to my happy home, now get your shit and leave_," Wolfgang sang. "Whoops! I mean… Hello, I'm the Doctor. My two companions, Amy Pond and Rory Williams – Er… I mean, Hana Yakushi and Heathcliffe Sarutobi – are not here for some unknown reason."

Teru sweatdropped.

"Just come in. I've got hammocks for the kids to sleep in, because hammocks are cool," Wolfgang demanded.

"Sugoi! Hammocks!" Luffy yelled.

"Now we can feel like we're in a dream-within-a-dream like in _Inception_!" Nami yelled before she and Luffy ran inside. Teru and Wolfgang sweatdropped.

"Oh, by the way, don't have your kids open the large, blue gift until tomorrow morning. Last I checked, it was glowing," Wolfgang explained.

"Eh?!" Teru cried.

* * *

><p>That night, Luffy snuck downstairs to look longingly at presents Santa (and Wolfgang and Teru) left him.<p>

"Ooh! Is my meat in here?!" Luffy yelled as he opened Wolfgang's gift, which was a portal that threw Luffy into a snowy forest. "Sugoi! I'm in Narnia!"

Back in the castle, Nami woke up.

"I have a bad feeling that Luffy discovered Narnia," Nami said to herself.

"Same here," Wolfgang said from Luffy's hammock.

"How the Jammie Dodger did you get in here?" Nami asked as she got up.

"Broke in," Wolfgang said innocently. "Now, do you want to break into Narnia to find Luffy or not?"

A few minutes later, Nami and Wolfgang were in Narnia, with Teru following them a few feet away.

"How do you know Luffy's here?" Nami asked the "Doctor". Wolfgang sighed.

"_Guess it's time to play 'exposition fairy'_," Wolfgang thought to himself. "Nami, what does a farmer do?"

"What does this have to do with anything?" Nami asked Wolfgang.

"There are stars who are trying to look for a mother to guide their ship or some shit," Wolfgang explained. Teru and Nami looked at Wolfgang dubiously.

"You're high, aren't you?" Teru asked. Wolfgang laughed.

"Silly goose, Time Lords don't get high. We live above the influence," Wolfgang explained. Nami and Teru sweatdropped again.

"Fake Mommy, can we go home?" Nami asked.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, inside of a spaceship, Luffy was wearing some type of wooden crown. Two wooden statues (who were actually Zoro and Usopp in drag) stood next to Luffy.<p>

"Zoro, why are you wearing makeup?" Luffy asked Zoro, who facepalmed.

"I've got some advice for you, Luffy – Never EVER challenge Dartboard Brow to a round of Dance Dance Revolution. Never," Zoro explained.

"So, why are you making me wear this? Are you going to probe my –" Luffy asked before Wolfgang, Teru, and Nami entered the room. "Did you bring the barbecue chips?"

Wolfgang pulled Luffy up, took the wooden crown off of his head and placed it on Teru's head, and shoved Teru into the chair.

"Abusive much, Doctor?!" Teru cried before the ship began to move.

"What's going on?!" Nami cried.

"Are we going to die?!" Teru cried.

"Is this the only line I'm going to get in this oneshot?!" Usopp cried.

"What about me?! And why are we crossdressing?!" Zoro cried.

"Shut up and don't ask questions!" Wolfgang yelled. "By the way, the CD WAS under her desk!"

* * *

><p>The next morning, Teru, Luffy, and Nami awoke outside of the castle.<p>

"What happened?" Teru asked before she realized something. "Kids, I need to tell you something."

"Is Fake Daddy coming home?" Luffy asked. Teru sighed.

"Well, your daddy was flying home, when –" Teru explained before Wolfgang called out to her.

"Oi, Teru, get your ass over here!"

Teru, Luffy, and Nami followed the sounds of Wolfgang's voice. They discovered him at the front door of the mansion, with Teru's hot husband, Soren Sarutobi.

"I'm back, bitches!" Soren announced.

"Soren!" Teru yelled as she glomped her real husband. Her fake kids sweatdropped.

"Woah! Get a room!" Luffy yelled as Soren and Teru began making-out. Wolfgang then gave Luffy and Nami tons of money.

"Kids, here's a thousand bucks each. Go to the arcade and don't ask questions," Wolfgang said to the kids before he turned to Soren and Teru. Soren already had his shirt off. "And, you two, get a room."

Wolfgang then walked away from the scene and into the forest, where the TARDIS was waiting. With a sigh, Wolfgang entered the TARDIS.

"Allons-y, Allonso!" Wolfgang yelled as the "Doctor" and his TARDIS traveled to their next destination.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Tomorrow is the last day this fic will update before it goes back on hiatus. There is a good chance that I will write one more oneshot before Christmas is over.

**Review if you want to see more parodies of Doctor Who episodes such as _A Christmas Carol_, _The Snowmen_, or even _Closing Time_! (Yes, _Closing Time _takes place around Christmas. It also happens to be my favorite episode)**


	16. The Christmas Road Trip

**Author's Note: **I hate to say this, but this is the last chapter of **The DysFUNctional Christmas **I will post before it goes on its long hiatus. This is only because of one reason - I'm out of ideas for this batch of Christmas crack. But, what I would like to say is this - We had a successful holiday season, and I got ten or eleven chapters out for the holidays. With ideas ranging from an analyzation of the song _12 Days of Christmas _to a collaboration with **luffykotheeevee **to even a parody of a Doctor Who episode, we've had a wacky Christmas. But, we have to end it so **The DysFUNctional Pirates **can come off of hiatus. Happy holidays, everyone.

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal, December afternoon at Gravity Falls Boarding School at Not-Gravity Falls, California, as Edmund Abingdon and his three siblings, Bridey, Rhett, and Amelia, read a letter from their parents in New York City.<p>

"What the hell?! A Christmas party with the rest of the Capricorns?!" Edmund cried.

"Mother and father lied! They told us we were going to London, Paris, Venice, Shanghai, Hong Kong, and Los Angeles for the break!" Rhett cried.

"Do we have to spend time with the Capricorns?!" Bridey cried. Edmund snapped his fingers.

"I think I have an idea…" Edmund said.

* * *

><p>"You got us the Volkswagon van from <em>Little Miss Sunshine<em>?! Are you insane?!"

The next day, the rest of the Abingdon siblings' friends arrived at the school for mysterious reasons.

"Yeah… Remember how I said that my brother, sisters, and I were supposed to go back east to New York for the break? We are, but… We're forced to hang out with the Capricorns," Edmund explained.

"Oh, hell no!" Kazura yelled. "I will not –"

"Kazura, hear me out," Edmund said. "We plan to take our time with getting there. If we get to New York after the holidays, the Capricorns will be gone by then."

"Are you sure about that?" Yukari asked. "What if they stay until Martin Luther King Day?"

"Then we turn around and go home!" Edmund explained. "Now, please get in. We have _Inception_ playing on the televisions on the backs of the seats."

"I would've picked _Farewell, My Concubine_, but whatever," Yukari said with a shrug as the Libras entered the van, with Stella-Rondo and Alto taking shotgun.

"Do we know where we're going?" Alto asked as he began driving.

"New York, New York!" Amelia answered.

"Let's ask the GPS device. Maybe it'll have the directions," Kazura suggested.

"This van doesn't even have GPS," Stella-Rondo pointed out. "By the way, Edmund, can I have this van when the road trip is over? This van is so legit."

"No," Edmund answered flatly.

* * *

><p>That night, the Libras were still on the road, when they pulled into Vegas.<p>

"Hey! We're in Vegas! Pull off here, we're going gambling!" Grandma Magda yelled.

"We aren't pulling over. We can't afford to lose money," Alto explained.

"Uhh… We HAVE TO stop for the night. Half of us fell asleep," Kazura explained. And, with that, the Capricorns stayed in a hotel for the night. The next morning…

"Alto, don't you worry your pretty, blue head. I'll drive," Daruma offered. "Now, who wants to ride shotgun with me?"

As if on cue, the rest of the Libras took seats that weren't shotgun.

"Well, Goddamn it. I was hoping SOMEONE would ride with me…" Daruma commented. In the end, everyone decided that Opal and Erika would be the next two to drive/ride shotgun.

"Let's listen to the radio!" Erika suggested.

"Do we even get a radio signal out here in the desert?" Alton asked everyone.

"Yep! I had some guy install Sirius XM in the van last night! He was a little sketchy, but he was an okay guy!" Lien explained.

"I'll possibly take your word for it in the future," Rhett said with a nod. Erika then turned on the radio and began to play with the radio stations.

"_She didn't have to cut me up _–"

"_Oppa Gangnam Style!_"

"_Deep in the meadow, under a _–"

"_Drop the charges!_"

"_So, armageddon, here we come. Who are the chosen _–"

"_I'm a member of the Midnight Crew. I'm a night owl _–"

"_Hey, I just met you. And, this is crazy. But, here's my _–"

"_Sekai de ichiban OHIME-SAMA –_"

"_Double Rainbow, all the way, across the _–"

"_Marukaite Chikyuu, Marukaite Chikyuu, Marukaite Chikyuu _–"

"_Come aboard and bring along all your hopes _–"

Erika turned off the radio.

"All of these songs suck!" Erika yelled.

"I don't blame you," Wenqing said.

* * *

><p>A few days later and many backtracks later, the Libras ended up in Chicago.<p>

"How the hell did we get from California to Chicago THIS QUICKLY?!" Yukari cried. "I thought we were supposed to stall for time!"

"We are. That's why we're staying here for week. Then it's off to Branson, Missouri, which is basically Las Vegas run by Ned Flanders," Rhett explained. Edmund glared at his brother.

"You're off the team," Edmund told his brother.

* * *

><p>Two weeks later, it was Christmas Day, and the Libras weren't in New York yet. Instead, they were in Charleston, South Carolina.<p>

"My plan is working! We won't get to see the Capricorns!" Edmund said as they opened presents.

"I wonder what we have against the Capricorns," Lin said as she opened one of her presents, which was a pair of Madden Girl shoes. "No way! Madden Girls?!"

"Nikes!" Fernando yelled as he held up a pair of Nike shoes. Then, a knock was heard at the door of their hotel room.

"I'll get it," Yukari said as she got up and went to the door. She answered it to Kaku. "Oh, you must be room serivce. Did you find Fernando's contacts yet?"

"I'm not room service, missy. I've come to take you to New York City," Kaku explained.

"Who are you?" Yukari asked.

"I'm a friend of Kartik Abingdon. We go way back," Kaku explained. Yukari turned back to the Libras.

"Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, Bridey… There's a guy with a square nose who wants to take you to New York. He says he knows your father," Yukari said nervously. Edmund facepalmed.

"Oh, bloody hell no," Edmund commented.

* * *

><p>After much convincing from Kaku, the Libras unwillingly boarded an airplane to New York. They now found themselves on the doorstep of Kartik's apartment.<p>

"Thank you for coming. I'm glad you could come all the way from California to celebrate Christmas with us," Kartik told the Libras.

"No problem," Kazura said. "_Okay, fuck the giraffe man and his ulterior motives._"

"May we come in?" Bridey asked.

"Go ahead," Kartik said as the Libras entered an apartment that was empty, save for Matsu.

"Looks like the apartment's empty…" Kazura commented.

"Are you sure it's Christmas?" Yukari asked. Then, the other Capricorns jumped out from behind furniture and under tables.

"Surprise! Merry Christmas, Libras!"

Kazura fainted.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: The DysFUNctional Pirates <strong>will return on New Year's with a three-part story (yes, you heard that - A three chapter-long story) and a parody of a popular anime. The final chapters of **Da Hungah Games: Director's Cut **will be posted in a few days. And, lastly, new chapters of **One Piece: Parallel Works **and **One Piece: Parallel Generations **will be posted sometime this week.

**Review if you want to see "The DysFUNctional Pirates" return!**


	17. The Christmas Tree Decorating Party

**Author's Note: **It's Thanksgiving. Do you know what that means? It means it's time for **The DysFUNctional Christmas **to update for the holidays! We've got lots of things coming up for this batch of Christmas crack! We've got Christmas get-togethers with the Sarutobis, we've got obligatory references to _Inception _in every chapter, and we've got a big surprise for this fic coming on Christmas! Are you ready for the Christmas crack to begin?! Let's do this!

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. Asking Santa to get me One Piece for Christmas will only get me One Piece merchandise.**

* * *

><p>It was December 1st, and Edmund was browsing the internet.<p>

"Get off your younger sister's Pinterest account, or so help me God."

Kazura entered the room. Edmund slowly looked up.

"I was on Tumblr," Edmund lied as he closed out the page for Amelia's Pinterest account.

"Likely story," Kazura said. "Anyway, Miller got our tree. However, if you see Dr. Kureha with a bunch of cops, run."

"Well, it's the usual Christmas tree lot that we - Wait, what?" Edmund asked. "Why would Miller steal a Christmas tree?! This is Miller Pratt we're talking!"

"I'm asking the same question, and it makes just as much sense as _Inception_," Kazura answered. Edmund sighed as he got up and walked into the common room in the Coachella, where Miller, Lien, and Jin-Mao were handcuffed to each other.

"Don't ask," Miller, Lien, and Jin-Mao said as Coby and Helmeppo led them away.

"Oh, and if you could go down to the police station and post our bail, that would be wonderful," Miller said. Edmund sweatdropped.

"Miller... Why?!" Edmund asked.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Edmund arrived at the police station.<p>

"I'd like to post bail for Miller Pratt, Lien Sarutobi, and Jin-Mao Xiang," Edmund said as he handed a wad of cash to Smoker.

"You mean the lumberjack, the kid in the Strokes T-shirt, and the Brony that isn't Garp?" Smoker asked.

"Yes, I mean the lumberjack, the kid in the Strokes T-shirt, and the Brony," Edmund replied. Smoker said nothing as he shoved Miller, Lien, and Jin-Mao toward Edmund.

"Take them. They won't stop talking about that sale at Urban Outfitters," Smoker ordered.

* * *

><p>A few more minutes later, the four hipsters returned to their ship.<p>

"We're back. Now what?" Edmund asked everyone.

"We decorate the tree," Kazura answered. Everyone grew silent.

"Who wants to hold a tree decorating party? Nobody really holds those, so I think we're good," Edmund asked everyone.

"As long as the Capricorns don't get ideas, then we shall hold a party for decorating our tree Miller jacked from Kureha," Kazura answered.

"How are the Capricorns going to get ideas if we don't invite them?" Edmund asked.

"Somebody at the party could tell them about what we did," Miller answered. "Or, they post pictures and videos of the party to the internet."

"Miller, give me your iPhone. You can live a couple hours without your precious Black Keys," Edmund said, sticking out his hand. Miller got his iPhone out and gave it to Edmund.

"Just remember that I still have your Mumford and Sons CDs," Miller said darkly.

"This saga isn't over until Dan Auerbach sings, Pratt," Edmund said darkly. Then, Edmund perked up. "Let's start a guest list and put all the cool people on the list! You know, like Beal, Aomame, Llewellyn, Indie... You know what? Yukari, put all of the Aries on the list. They're as chill as the Canadian arctic they came from."

Yukari nodded as she began to write down the Aries' names on a sheet of paper.

"Edmund, are you forgetting that Yohan is Wolfgang's father?" Kazura asked.

"Yohan has to sign a contract promising that he isn't going to speak of this event. The rest of the Aries don't have to because they aren't related to the Capricorns," Edmund explained. "Anyone else you want to invite?"

"You'd better invite Cousin Annalease, or else I'm not taking you to see The Black Keys!" Miller yelled.

"Invite Law and Bonney. They're just like us," Mason suggested.

"Garp should come. I have so much to discuss with him," Jin-Mao explained.

"You just want to discuss My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic with Garp," Edmund pointed out.

"Should we invite the Scorpios?" Yukari asked.

"Only if they sign the contract saying that they discuss the party," Edmund answered.

"What about any of the Straw Hats?" Kazura asked.

"Hmm... Maeve, Nami, Usopp, and Robin are good. Zoro would probably get lost on his way here and end up dead in a ditch somewhere. Luffy, Franky, Brook, and Chopper aren't the best guests for a Christmas party like this. Sanji... Depends," Edmund answered.

"Why Sanji? After last week, he shouldn't attend," Amelia asked.

"Well, to be fair, Stella-Rondo broke his nose afterwards. And I got drunk off of non-alcoholic apple cider. This is why the buddy system needs to be used when we go on hayrides," Edmund answered.

"Ah, yes. The post-Thanksgiving hayride. Good times," Mason commented. "Anyway, back to the guest list."

"Should we invite any of the Leos?" Bridey asked.

"If we invite the Leos, we are ONLY inviting Yvonne and Sawyer. We keep forgetting that Jessamime, Alabama, Keating, and Cary exist and Leo and Peony are tied with Aki and Heathcliffe as the sappiest couple ever," Edmund answered. "So much sap, that we can make money off of them selling maple syrup."

All of the Libras then began to laugh very hard.

* * *

><p>The Libras were still laughing when the Aries, Law, Bonney, Garp, Annalease, the Scorpios, Maeve, Aldwin, Nami, Usopp, Robin, Sanji, Yvonne, and Sawyer arrived for the Christmas tree decorating party.<p>

"Welcome to our Christmas tree decorating party," Edmund said, holding back laughs. "Before we begin, Yohan, the Scorpios, and Maeve need to come with me and sign some papers promising that they won't tell the Capricorns about this party."

"What in the name of [Coulson is alive]?! Why the [Coulson did not die] do we have to sign papers saying that we won't tell the Capricorns about the party?!" Maeve cried.

"So they don't get ideas," Edmund said with a shrug. At some part during his shrug, Edmund somehow picked up Stella-Rondo.

"Matt Helders sings like a crow!" Stella-Rondo yelled as Edmund set her down.

"**Fact: It is an unspoken law in the U.K. that you are required to wear those party hats that are provided with Christmas crackers to a Christmas celebration**," Cube said as Yohan, the Scorpios, and Maeve followed Edmund to another room.

"_Bears, bears, bears, bears, bears, bears, bears, bears, bears, bears, bears, bears..._" Maeve sang to herself. Miller turned to the rest of the party goers.

"Let's decorate this tree I stole from Dr. Kureha!" Miller announced. Ten minutes later, the obscure party was in full swing.

"Maeve... What in the name of [Phil Coulson is alive and well] is that?" Aldwin asked, pointing to Maeve's pixelated-out Christmas ornament that she made.

"It's a re-enactment of the Ritgore Incident. More people need to be aware of it," Maeve explained. Aldwin sighed.

"No. Just no," Aldwin said. Aldwin then pulled out the Anton ornament he made. "At least make something sane, like what I did."

"Okay! Let's get creative!" Maeve said. Ten minutes later, Maeve finished making another pixellated-out Christmas ornament.

"Maeve, do you think this is a [Phil Coulson did NOT die in _The Avengers_] game?!" Aldwin asked.

"This?" Maeve asked. "Oh, this is just Ajax in ornament form. Kaiju!Ajax."

Aldwin facepalmed.

"You are only allowed to make ONE MORE ornament at this table. After this, we are decorating Christmas cookies with Stella-Rondo," Aldwin said. Five minutes later, Maeve had another, censored ornament made.

"It's a pack of bacon," Maeve said. Aldwin said nothing as he got up and dragged Maeve over to Stella-Rondo, who was by herself and decorating cookies.

"Here. Decorate some cookies and have some girly bonding time with Stella-Rondo. If you decorate the gingerbread men to look like dead bodies, we're leaving," Aldwin said before he walked away. Stella-Rondo sweatdropped.

"So, how come nobody wants to decorate cookies?" Maeve asked as she put pink frosting on a triangle-shaped cookie.

"I don't know, but it IS art," Stella-Rondo said. "Unlike the kaiju!Ajax ornament somebody made."

Aoi said nothing as she set Maeve's kaiju!Ajax ornament on fire.

"Did you make any ornaments, Stella-Rondo?" Maeve asked, changing the subject.

"It's safe to say that I made the majority of the Libras' ornaments," Stella-Rondo said. "Nutcrackers, ornament versions of my crew, those round ornaments, I made them all."

A few feet away, Yohan was talking to Wolfgang on his phone.

"_Dad, where are you? I hear a bunch of people talking_."

"Son, I am in jail," Yohan lied.

* * *

><p>On board the Hyperion, Wolfgang made a loud, screeching noise that sounded like a pterodactyl.<p>

"I think we broke him…" Enlai said to the confused Capricorns.

* * *

><p>Later that evening, the Libras' tree decorating party ended, and the guests were leaving.<p>

"Thank you all for coming. We had a lot of fun together, but, sadly, time flies when you're having fun," Edmund said to all of the guests leaving.

"Dad!"

Wolfgang ran up to Yohan and glomped him. The Libras and Aries sweatdropped.

"Son?!" Yohan asked.

"I thought you were in jail! You know what they do to rich kids like us!" Wolfgang sobbed. Yohan sighed.

"Son, I've got some explaining to do, and you'd better not tell the Capricorns about this," Yohan said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see more Christmas parties!<strong>


	18. How to Decorate for Christmas

**Author's Note: **So, I decorated my house for Christmas, and this idea popped into my head as I decorated. Also, my Dangan Ronpa OCs make an appearance, so that's good.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece OR Dangan Ronpa.**

* * *

><p><strong>Ultra Dangan Ronpa: The Foreign Exchange Students of Hope and Despair<strong>

It was December 1st at Hope's Peak Academy, and Monokuma's latest crop of students to play his game of despair were decorating for Christmas.

"We aren't even OCs for One Piece," Petra Wong, the Super High School-Level Producer, pointed out.

"Shut up and play along. Maybe this means that Monokuma will let us go," Lyudmila Petrova, the Super High School-Level Journalist, said to everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Straw Hat Pirates<strong>

It was a normal day on the Thousand Sunny as Maeve watched the movie _Inception_.

"**Fact: According to Michael Caine, all scenes in the movie _Inception _that have his character, Miles, take place in the real world and not the dream levels**," Cube said.

"No spoilers!" Maeve, Aoi, Jodie, Bullet, and Leon yelled as Nami entered the room.

"Maeve, are you going to help decorate the Sunny?" Nami asked the mortician.

"I already decorated," Maeve said.

"Maeve, setting up a mini-tree in your room and hanging badly-drawn pictures of the Capricorns and Libras on it is barely decorating," Nami explained. Sanji then entered the room, kissing the badly-drawn Yukari ornament Maeve made.

"Oh, Yukari-chawn, am I obscure enough for you?!" Sanji asked. Maeve and Nami sweatdropped.

"**You need counseling, broham,**" Cube said to Sanji.

* * *

><p><strong>Marines<strong>

"What the fuck is this, Garp?!" Sengoku yelled.

"A tree," Garp said as he ate his cookies. But, they were rice crackers, not cookies, because this is 4kids-styled censorship we're talking.

"Why are all of the ornaments My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic figurines?!" Sengoku asked.

"Because I like them better than the ones Akainu's wife makes and sells in her little shop!" Garp yelled. "Also, why is your goat in the tree?!"

Garp motioned to Pwngoat, who was stuck in the tree. Sengoku facepalmed.

"Burn this tree. We're getting a new one," Sengoku said.

* * *

><p><strong>Heart Pirates<strong>

"Christmas is too mainstream," Law commented as he soaked his Christmas tree and ornaments in gasoline. He then lit a match. "I will be celebrating Boxing Day this year. Boxing Day is not mainstream."

* * *

><p><strong>RevolutionariesTaurus Pirates**

Dragon, Ivankov, and Inazuma stood in front of the Taurus Pirates, giving them orders on how NOT to decorate the Revolutionaries headquarters for Christmas.

"Now, before you begin decorating, there are specifics I need to go over with each and every one of you," Dragon said. "To one, Kintaro Miyoshi, we have confiscated all of your Christmas decorations. There will be no hentai anime Santas this year."

Kintaro groaned.

"To one, Pendleton Donner IV, we have denied your request for the large, expensive, Christmas trees from the North Blue. They are simply too expensive for us. Ain't nobody got time for that," Dragon explained.

"Uncultured swine," Pendleton muttered under his breath.

"To one, Flannery Caldwell, you are forbidden to hang ANY Christmas lights this year. Last year, you almost burned down all of Baltigo," Dragon explained.

"That was me?" Flannery asked. "I thought it was Annalease."

"To one, Malachy Cullen, your request to take December 26th off for Boxing Day has been denied. We don't even celebrate Boxing Day on Baltigo," Dragon explained.

Malachy responded by flipping off Dragon.

"I'm Irish! You HAVE TO give me Boxing Day off!" Malachy yelled. Dragon sighed and continued reading off the list that magically appeared in his hands.

"To one, Cima Vu, your Christmas decorations have also been confiscated," Dragon explained.

"I don't even have anime porn decorations like Kintaro," Cima stated.

"Cima, your Christmas decorations are actually Halloween decorations. Wrong holiday," Dragon said before he turned to somebody else. "To one, Ludovic Swansea, you are not allowed to hold a gothic wedding to Cima on Christmas Day. This event has never been approved by me."

"Fuck you!" Ludovic yelled.

"Lastly, Annalease Pratt, your cousin, Miller Pratt, is allowed to visit Baltigo as many times as he wishes for the holidays," Dragon said.

"Why does Annalease get off easy?!" Kintaro, Pendleton, Malachy, Flannery, Cima, and Ludovic yelled.

"Because she isn't a hentai anime addict, a rich kid, a ditz, an angry, Irish man, or a goth," Dragon retorted.

* * *

><p><strong>Aries Pirates<strong>

On board the Cartago, the Aries Pirates were decorating their Christmas tree. Except, they had a problem.

"Do we have any Canadian ornaments?" Terrance asked. Aomame pulled out an ornament in the design of bagged milk.

"This is our only Canadian ornament," Aomame said.

"Of course, it's an ornament of bagged milk," Llewellyn commented under his breath.

"I've got one question – Why are we Canadian?" Indie asked everyone.

"Because, apparently, we get ignored a lot like Canada from Hetalia," Beal answered. "But, there is one unanswered question – Why do I look and dress like the Tenth Doctor?"

* * *

><p><strong>Gemini Pirates<strong>

On board the Bravia, Linus was tied to the chair as everyone else decorated the chair.

"How come I don't get to decorate?!" Linus yelled.

"You keep taping pictures of girls over our ornaments," Greta answered bluntly. Linus sighed.

"Hey, guys, where did Fallon go?" Pomponia asked everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Scorpio Pirates<strong>

On board the Frances Ferdinand, the Scorpios were having an argument over how to set their tree up.

"No, no, no, no, no! That is not how to do it!" Lana yelled. "We're supposed to use the fucking Pythagorean Theorem, not 1/2bh!"

"That's the area of a triangle!" Noriko shouted back from the ladder she was standing on. As Noriko and Lana argued, Fallon snuck off.

"Hey, guys, where did Gareth go?" Nero asked everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Capricorn Pirates<strong>

On board the Hyperion, the Capricorns actually finished decorating their tree.

"Okay, now we have to put the star on top of the tree," Kartik announced, pulling out a tree topper in the design of the star. The Capricorns grew pale.

"No. Just no," Daisuke said.

"You think this is a fucking game, Abingdon?!" Enlai yelled.

"This is some Hunger Games shit right here," Rubio commented. As everyone was complaining about putting the star on the tree, Gareth entered.

"Why are we in the Hunger Games?" Gareth asked. Everyone grew silent as Kartik handed the star over to Gareth.

"Happy Hunger Games. May the odds be ever in your favor," Kartik said darkly.

* * *

><p><strong>Leo Pirates<strong>

Like the Capricorns, the Leos also finished decorating their tree.

"Alright, Yvonne, turn the lights on!" Leo said. Yvonne turned the Christmas lights on, and the lights shorted out. Then, the tree caught on fire. Everyone grew silent. Then, Leo spoke.

"I've made a huge mistake."

* * *

><p><strong>Aquarius Pirates<strong>

Meanwhile, the Aquariuses hadn't decorated their tree and/or ship yet. This was because Citron and Cable just arrived with a Christmas tree.

"Are we nakama now?!" Thorn shouted as he jumped out of the tree. Citron and Cable then threw the tree – with Thorn still holding on – into the ocean.

"Next year, we're getting a fake tree," Citron said with a smile.

* * *

><p><strong>Libra Pirates<strong>

Like the Aquariuses, the tree hadn't been decorated, since Miller just arrived with the Libras' tree.

"One hour of chopping later, and here is the tree," Miller said, setting his axe and the tree down. Miller then left the room.

"Where are you going?! You need to set the tree up!" Edmund yelled.

"The shower. I spent an hour chopping this tree down, and I'm all sweaty," Miller answered before he left the room. Fifteen minutes later…

"Nigel, back the tree up a bit. Good. Now, Rhett, Nigel, move it to the left. No, Nigel, to Rhett's left, not your left! Okay, now it looks bad in that position! Kipton, Jin-Mao, move it back. Good. Now, Kazura, move it a few inches forward. That's too much. Locke, move the tree about two inches back. Mason, make sure the tree isn't smashed up against the wall. Oh, my God, Fernando! Don't put the tree skirt on yet!" Edmund yelled to the Libras, who were trying to find a spot for the tree.

"Edmund, it's just a tree," Rhett said.

"You don't know interior design. Our tree has to look better than the Capricorns' tree," Edmund stated. The Libras grew silent.

"You're right. You have a valid point," Kazura said.

"What about that part of the tree where we have to put water in it?" Yukari asked. Edmund facepalmed.

"Right, Yukari, I forgot. Could you be a sweetie and fill that bucket up?" Edmund said before he turned to the rest of the Libras. "As for the rest of you, go sit in the corner and think about what you have done."

Five minutes later…

"Guys, the lights get hung up first! We can worry about the fun ornaments later!" Edmund yelled. "No, Aleksandar, don't plug those lights in! The cord is frayed! Lien, go get the other lights from the closet! Stella-Rondo, get me my iPhone and call Target for me! I need a refund on these lights! I just bought them today, and the cord's frayed!"

"Edmund, what's going on?"

Miller entered the room, only wearing jeans and a towel on his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing.

"Uhh… Fighting cavities?" Mason answered.

"We're putting the tree up," Edmund said. Everyone grew silent.

"Edmund, I don't trust you anymore with this job," Miller said, throwing the towel out of the window and grabbing a conveniently-placed flannel shirt. As he out on the shirt, Miller continued to talk. "Now, where were we?"

"We have to go to Target to buy new Christmas lights, because the ones Edmund bought are frayed," Rhett said. An hour and a trip to Target later, the Libras' tree was set up.

"See, Edmund, this is why I'm needed," Miller said.

"But, I'm an Abingdon. My father is Kartik Abingdon, the famous shipwright," Edmund said meekly. Before anything else could be said, Yukari spoke.

"Let's go caroling! It's an obscure thing nobody does!" Yukari said. Everyone began to talk amongst themselves.

"_Bless Yukari. There's a reason why there is sexual tension going on between me and her_…" Edmund said to himself.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see a chapter involving the Sarutobi family at Christmas!<strong>


	19. The Shichibukai's Christmas Pageant

**Author's Note: **Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... It's the Shichibukai's First Annual Low-Budget Christmas Pageant! Please give it up for... The Shichibukai!

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>"What?! What the hell do you mean by 'we spent all of our money on Girl Scout cookies'?!"<p>

It was a very normal Shichibukai meeting. That is, before Sengoku made an announcement.

"Because I love my Tim Tams!" Sengoku yelled.

"Those aren't Girl Scout cookies," Jinbei pointed out.

"Do you want to go down this road, Jinbei?! Because I will!" Moria yelled.

"SILENCE!" Sengoku yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"You know, I think I want to avoid all Shichibukai responsibilities by watching _Inception_. Hancock doing some shit with The Learning Annex? _Inception_. Doflamingo being cray-cray? _Inception_. Moria and his porn addiction? _Inception_. It's like an escapism film, but it's not," Crocodile said. Everyone grew silent.

"How are we going to get the money back?" Jinbei asked.

"We will be holding a live, televised, Christmas pageant," Sengoku said. "It will have everything – Guest stars, music numbers, skits, and even an 'Oprah's Favorite Things' segment."

"Oprah is going to sue you for that," Mihawk pointed out.

"Aren't Christmas pageants supposed to be religious?" Kuma asked. Everyone grew silent.

"That is a good question to investigate," Sengoku said. "We will investigate it later. We have no time for that. We need to produce a Christmas pageant. And, can somebody get us an account for a livestream website?"

* * *

><p>That night, the Shichibukai's Low-Budget, Public Access Television and Livestreamed Christmas Pageant began.<p>

"Welcome to our Christmas pageant! As two famous philosophers known as 'Daft Punk' once said, 'We're up all night to get lucky'," Doflamingo said.

"Pharrell Williams said that, not Daft Punk, you uncultured swine! Daft Punk PRODUCED the song!" Mihawk yelled from the edge of the stage.

"Well, as Daft Punk once said, 'And we will never be alone again'," Doflamingo said. Mihawk facepalmed.

"Julian Casablancas said that, not Daft Punk! Do you even listen to Daft Punk anyway, you Daft Punk?!" Mihawk yelled. Doflamingo responded by shoving Mihawk off of the stage. The rest of the Shichibukai then went backstage, totally not caring if Mihawk got hurt.

"Bye, mommy, I'm going to school!" Doflamingo yelled as Mihawk fell down. Doflamingo turned to the camera. "Anyway, we're going to start with our first, fun activity – Eggnog shots!"

"Did somebody say 'eggnog shots'?"

Mikuri walked onto the stage.

"Wowza! It's our first guest star! From the Capricorn Pirates, please welcome Mikuri Matsumoto!" Doflamingo yelled to the audience before turning to Mikuri. "Mikuri, what are you doing here?"

"I'm doing research for an acting role," Mikuri answered.

"Oh, really? For what play?" Doflamingo asked.

"_Flower Drum Song_," Mikuri answered. The audience laughed for no reason.

"Shut up, peasants!" Doflamingo yelled.

"Did somebody say 'peasants'?"

Nami walked onto the stage.

"Uhh… From the Straw Hat Pirates, it's Nami!" Doflamingo yelled. "Nami, what are you doing here?"

"I came to kick ass and eat Christmas coffee cake. But, there was no Christmas coffee cake," Nami explained.

"Christmas coffee cake?! This Christmas special got even better!" Doflamingo yelled.

"Did somebody say 'Christmas special'?"

Miller and Edmund then walked onto the stage.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Miller and Edmund from the very hipster Libra Pirates!" Doflamingo yelled. "Miller, Edmund, what brings you two here?"

"We both got text messages saying 'Come at once, if convenient. If inconvenient, come anyway'," Miller said.

"I was under the pretense that we were going to be shown season three of Sherlock early," Edmund said.

"Well, you're not going to see season three of Sherlock early!" Doflamingo said. "You are in a contest! Winner gets to have an eggnog shot contest with me! Now, all three of you must plead your case!"

"Doflamingo, there's a scene in _Flower Drum Song _where the main character gets drunk. Do I really have to get drunk in this play?" Mikuri asked.

"Yes, you have to, you nerd," Doflamingo said. "Nami, plead your case."

"I can hold my liquor, unlike some people," Nami said. The audience went "ooh".

"Black Keys – I mean, Miller and Edmund?" Doflamingo said.

"Well, two people doing eggnog shots with you is better than one," Edmund said with a shrug. Crocodile then wheeled out a cart with a pitcher of eggnog and some shot glasses on it.

"I choose… I choose…" Doflamingo said as a confused Crocodile walked away. "Mikuri Matsumoto!"

"What?! What?!" Nami cried. "You bitch! Mikuri isn't even here for the right reasons!"

Nami stormed off.

"Come on, Miller. Let's go crash Bartolomeo and Cavendish's Christmas pageant," Edmund said to Miller before the two hipsters walked away.

"Now, Mikuri, I assume you know how to do shots," Doflamingo said. Mikuri sweatdropped.

"Sure?" Mikuri answered. Doflamingo then poured eggnog into the shot glasses.

"Now, the time to beat is thirty seconds. If you win, you just get bragging rights. Don't come crying to me when you don't get a new car," Doflamingo explained. "Ready?"

Twenty seconds later…

"Kittens!" Mikuri announced, pulling kittens out from under the cart. Everybody sweatdropped.

"And now, the weather," Doflamingo said in the voice of Cecil from Welcome to Night Vale.

* * *

><p>On board the Coachella, the Libras were watching the Christmas pageant.<p>

"So, Miller, Edmund, care to explain?" Kazura asked. Miller and Edmund remained silent.

"Can we watch Sherlock instead?" Edmund asked.

* * *

><p>On board the Hyperion, the Capricorns were also watching the Christmas pageant.<p>

"What the frick frack diddly dack patty whack snick snack crack pack slack mack quarterback crackerjack biofeedback backtrack thumbtack sidetrack tic-tac does she think she's doin'?!" Enlai cried.

"That's not how you pick a lock. I've seen better lock picking techniques on Tumblr," Hana commented. Everyone grew silent.

"Hana, you scare me sometimes," Gareth commented.

* * *

><p>Back with the Shichibukai, Sanji and Zoro finished giving a performance.<p>

"That was Sanji and Zoro's Flight of the Conchords and Rhett and Link-esque Band with their cover of the song _Bitches _by the rap duo L'Homme Run!" Doflamingo announced. "Here's a fun fact – L'Homme Run actually became the indie rock band Vampire Weekend. A good fun fact to throw around at your next, douche, hipster gathering."

Back at the Coachella…

"What the frick frack diddly dack patty whack snick snack crack pack slack mack quarterback crackerjack biofeedback backtrack thumbtack sidetrack tic-tac does she think she's doin'?!" Mason commented.

"Well, then…" Kazura muttered before he turned the T.V. off. "Anybody want to play Cards Against Humanity for the rest of the night?"

Every Libra raised their hand.

* * *

><p>Back with the Shichibukai, the members of Baroque Works were assembling a giant, gingerbread house.<p>

"So, Crocodile, how's that gingerbread house coming along?" Doflamingo asked Crocodile.

"Very well," Crocodile answered.

"Wonderful! Let's take it over to Bartholomew Kuma for a bit of religion," Doflamingo announced. The scene then cut to Kuma, who was sitting in a chair, LOLCat Bible in his lap.

"In teh land of Uz wuz a man calded Job. Teh man wuz goodz, wif respeck fur teh Ceiling Cat and hated evilz. Teh man hadz seven sunz and tree doters. And lots of mices and camlez and rinoceruseses and servnts and stuff. Srsly. His sunz tok turns mading cookies, and they all eated them. And Job wuz liek "Oh noes! Wut if cookies were sin? Gotta pray, just in cases'," Kuma read from his LOLCat Bible. Backstage…

"What?! What the [Boku Hetalia] do you mean you want to sue us?" Sengoku whispered into his phone. "We're doing a good job! We're getting money! We're not offending anybody or even killing anybody!"

Back with Kuma…

"Den him deded, all veree happi and hes wikserz gray. TEH END! Lolz," Kuma read from his LOLCat Bible before closing it. Only a few people clapped.

"Bravo! Bravo!" Doflamingo yelled as he clapped. "After the break, we'll check on Crocodile and his progress on his gingerbread house! Then, we're going to interview this Takasugi from Gintama cosplayer I randomly found in the streets! We'll be right back!"

* * *

><p>Several hours later, the Christmas pageant was over.<p>

"I have some good news and some bad news," Sengoku announced to the Shichibukai. "The good news is that we all made money. The bad news is that we have to spend all of it on lawyers because people are suing us over the pageant."

The Shichibukai grew silent.

"Let's have another Christmas pageant!" Doflamingo suggested.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see another Christmas pageant hosted by the Shichibukai!<strong>


	20. Christmas on the Farm

**Author's Note: **I have no clue what this chapter has to do with a farm. Just take this chapter with a grain of salt.

Also, I'm on Winter Break from now until the Monday after New Year's. I'll have more time to update, since finals and projects aren't killing me.

**Disclamer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece, luffykotheeevee owns Foley Maeve, Jodie Walker, Aoi Hagiwara, Pants Bullet, Leon Richard, and Cube, Eric Kripke owns Supernatural, and NBC owns Parks and Recreation.**

* * *

><p><strong>Lawrence, Kansas – Twenty-two years ago<strong>

It was a peaceful evening in the Winchester household as John and Mary Winchester put their two sons, Sam and Dean, to bed. However, things went downhill fast – A few hours later, John awoke to find Mary on the ceiling, which was now on fire.

"Dean! Grab your brother and run! Don't look back!" John yelled to his four-year old son. The scene then changed to Kevin Tran, Castiel, and Bobby Singer standing around the Impala.

"Go sit in the corner and think about what you have done," Castiel said into the camera, presumably talking to the Authoress.

"Idjits," Bobby muttered.

* * *

><p><strong>Pawnee, Indiana – The present day<strong>

Once upon a time, in the city of Pawnee, Indiana, a man named Andy Dwyer fell into a large pit and broke both of his legs. This inspired a woman named Leslie Knope, who worked for the city's Parks and Recreation Department, to build a new park at the lot. She was not alone, however – Aiding Leslie in her quest were Mark Brandanowitz, her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Tom Haverford, her good friend, April Ludgate, an intern, Anne Perkins, who was Andy's boyfriend –

"How much longer are you going to keep this up?" Sanji asked the Authoress. "Start the oneshot before I piss myself."

* * *

><p>Anyway, our story takes place in Farmville, California, a farm town in Central California. On this Christmas Eve, Foley Maeve and her father, Sanji, were watching television.<p>

"Okay, why the [watch the movie _Inception_] am I Maeve's dad in this oneshot?" Sanji asked. Maeve just shrugged.

"Hey, Yuki-Rin, Canada, Franky, Jodie, Aoi, all of the Libras, A.A.A., Hancock, Peony and Leo, Heathcliffe, Llewellyn, Greta, Cube, and Ajax have all been my parents at some point. It could be worse," Maeve pointed out. Sanji grew silent.

"I don't want to know how and why Ajax became your parent and/or legal guardian," Sanji said with a shudder. Somebody then knocked on the door. "Maeve, answer the door for me. Vince Offer's Stichky commercial is on."

"Oh, you're playing with your Stichky. I see how it is," Maeve said as she opened the front door, revealing the rest of the Straw Hats, the Capricorns, and the Libras.

"Hello. Would you like to hear the good news from the city of Portland, Oregon?" Edmund asked Maeve and Sanji. Maeve blinked.

"Sanji, who are these people?" Aoi asked.

"They're some old friends of mine. I invited them to stay here for Christmas," Sanji said before he turned to the Straw Hats, Libras, and Capricorns. "Look, before I let you come in, we need to establish a few ground rules. Rule one, nobody is allowed to leave until the first hour has passed."

"Oi, Dartboard Brow, is this some type of hostage situation?!" Zoro yelled.

"I can't stay with the Capricorns for THAT LONG in the same room!" Edmund cried.

"I think Zoro is right! This sounds like a hostage situation!" Kazura added. Sanji and Maeve sweatdropped.

"Hostage situation? Really?" Bullet asked. Sanji sighed.

"Just… Just get inside," Sanji said.

* * *

><p>An hour later, the awkward Christmas party on the farm began.<p>

"Cube, hit me up with a fun fact that doesn't have to do with Christmas or _Inception_!" Blaise said.

"**Fact: Martha Stewart's name in prison was 'M. Diddy',**" Cube said.

"Wow! That's so cray-cray!" Blaise commented. Somebody then knocked on the door.

"I'll get it," Sanji said. He answered the door to Smoker and Tashigi.

"We have an arrest warrant out for Foley –" Smoker said before Sanji closed the door on him.

"If the cops come back, we're not here! We went to get McDonald's!" Sanji yelled.

"McDonald's is too mainstream!" Several of the Libras shouted.

"Shut up!" Several of the Capricorns shouted to the Libras.

"Why are we yelling?!" Maeve shouted to the Capricorns and the Libras. Everyone grew silent.

"**Fact: Christmas carols date back to the 4th century**," Cube said.

"Maeve, go into the nearest town and buy some food. I don't care where it comes from, just do it," Sanji requested.

"Do I really have to walk ten miles, uphill, both ways, AND in the freezing snow?! This isn't the Great Depression!" Maeve yelled.

"Do it, or else the Capricorns will adopt you," Sanji said.

"I don't see what's so bad about that," Maeve said with a shrug. Sanji bent down to Maeve's level.

"Sarutobi FANSERVICE," Sanji whispered to Maeve.

"I can live with a little Sarutobi FANSERVICE," Maeve said, prompting all Sarutobis in the room (even the ones on the Libras) to leave the room. Sanji facepalmed.

"Son of a –" Sanji said before another knock at the door was heard.

"I'll get it," Leon said. Instead of answering it to the cops, Leon answered the door to Linus and Pomponia.

"Hello. Would you like to hear the good news?" Pomponia asked Leon. Leon blinked.

"I only speak, how you say, French," Leon said. "Hon hon hon. Eiffel tower. Baguettes. Sacré bleu! Mon aéroglisseur est plein des anguilles!" (1)

Pomponia and Linus sweatdropped as Leon shut the door on them.

"Wow, for being an isolated farm in the middle of California's Central Valley, I sure get a lot of guests," Sanji commented. The doorbell then rang. "Who is it THIS TIME?!"

"Pizza delivery."

"Chinese delivery."

"Sub sandwich delivery."

"UPS."

"Sushi delivery!"

"Barbecued food delivery!"

"It's the strippers!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"One of those things is not like the others," Nami commented.

"Yes! I mean, you can't eat a delivery from the UPS man!" Maeve said.

"Plus, why did Sanji decide to bring strippers into this party?" Kazura asked.

"I didn't order them," Sanji said as he answered the door to Dellinger, Jyabura, Kidd – who was in a UPS uniform -, Kaku and Kumadori, Magellan, and Miss Doublefinger and Miss Valentine's Day, who were both in stripper costumes. "Can I help you?"

"I'm here with twenty, pepperoni pizzas, a party pack salad, breadsticks, soda, and beer," Dellinger said.

"Why does he sound like Tyler Oakley?" Jodie asked Maeve.

"No idea, Jodie," Maeve answered.

"I'm here with the Dragon Party Platter," Jyabura said.

"You have several packages that you ordered last Tuesday, and I hope to God it's not porn," Kidd said.

"You ordered the party sushi platter, yes?" Kaku asked Sanji.

"Are you the one who ordered the full-on barbecue?" Magellan asked.

"Is this the Christmas party?" Miss Doublefinger asked. Everyone grew silent.

"Do I still have to walk ten miles, uphill both ways, in the snow to get some food?" Maeve asked Sanji.

"The strippers and the UPS guy can leave! Everyone else, wait here until I get my credit card!" Sanji yelled before he stormed off. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Hey, do you mind if we join your party? We're bored and we all want to be fired from our jobs," Dellinger asked.

"Go nuts," Maeve said with a shrug. Dellinger, Jyabura, Kaku, Kumadori, and Magellan entered the house as Sanji came back into the room.

"What in the name of My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding?!" Sanji cried.

"Merry Christmas!" Dellinger, Jyabura, Kaku, Kumadori, and Magellan yelled. Sanji then fainted.

"This is the police! We have an arrest warrant for Foley Maeve!"

Maeve then hopped out of the nearest window.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) <strong>**–** "My hovercraft is full of eels!"

**Review if you want to see more, awkward Christmas parties!**


	21. The Christmas Party Competition

**Author's Note: **And, here is a chapter with more Christmas parties. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own anything.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day in December on some island. But, for Foley Maeve and her best friend, Aldwin Yorkson, things weren't so normal.<p>

"Basil, what the [fairy cow sandwich] are you taking about when you say 'Christmas party contest'?" Maeve asked her "younger brother", Basil Le'Ursa.

"It's this popular contest where the person or persons with the best Christmas party win neat stuff. I won the contest last year, so I have to help judge this year's contest," Basil explained.

"I remember your party! Didn't Aomame have to do appendicitis surgery on you on the buffet table?" Maeve asked.

"That was the one," Basil answered. Aldwin sweatdropped.

"I'd rather watch _Inception _and still not get what's going on that help your pervert brother judge people's parties," Aldwin whispered to Maeve.

"Baby brother, I have a question. Why are we judging the parties for you?" Maeve asked. Basil said nothing as he handed $50 to Maeve and Aldwin.

"I was banned from attending the parties the Capricorns, Libras, Aries, Geminis, Aquariuses, Tauruses, Leos, Scorpios, Sagittariuses, Straw Hats, Hearts, Kidds, Marines, and even Impel Down prisoners were holding," Basil explained.

"What happened?" Aldwin asked.

"Maeve, do you like Sarutobi FANSERVICE?" Basil asked Maeve.

"Of course, I do. For every shirtless picture of Heathcliffe that I find, Wiffles give me a dollar. Wiffles gives me five dollars if I give her videos of Heathcliffe in the shower," Maeve explained. Aldwin and Basil sweatdropped.

"Maeve, Wiffles is a flamethrower," Aldwin pointed out.

"Okay, Maeve, we did not need to know that," Basil said. "In fact, why don't you begin crashing people's parties? I need to go buy some bulk alcohol at Costco."

"Okaley-dokaley, neighborino," Maeve said in the voice of Ned Flanders.

"No, no, no. Don't do that. Just… Don't," Basil said.

* * *

><p>That evening, Aldwin and Maeve began their Christmas party crawl.<p>

"So, where do we start?" Aldwin asked.

"Canada!" Maeve answered.

"We don't have time to go to Canada, Maeve," Aldwin pointed out. Maeve said nothing as she and Aldwin began walking up a gangplank to a ship.

"I meant that we're going to the Aries' party first!" Maeve said as she knocked on the door. "AY YO, MA!"

Aomame answered the door.

"Yes?" Aomame asked.

"May Aldwin and I come in for a bit? Basil wants us to do something for him," Maeve asked.

"If this doesn't involve anything illegal, I'm in," Aomame said. Aldwin and Maeve said nothing as they entered the Cartago, where a Canada-themed Christmas party was in full swing.

"So… What are you guys doing?" Aldwin asked.

"Putting maple syrup and poutine onto our Christmas cookies," Beal answered. He then held out a poutine-topped cookie. "Want one?"

"Pass," Aldwin answered. Llewellyn held out a glass of milk.

"Bagged milk?" Llewellyn asked. Before he could react, Maeve grabbed the glass and drank all of the milk.

"Hmm… Tastes like Wal-mart-brand milk," Maeve said. "Anyway, we have to go. If not, Basil is going to get us arrested."

"We'll be back in a few minutes," Aldwin said before he and Maeve left the Cartago. The Aries sweatdropped.

"It was the poutine, wasn't it?" Beal asked everyone.

* * *

><p>On board the Bravia…<p>

"I'm sorry, but only Maeve is allowed," Linus told the two judges.

"Sexist! SEXIST!" Aldwin yelled like he was Yuffie from Final Fantasy VII.

"Why is that?" Maeve asked, tilting her head.

"Because you're a girl," Linus answered in a deadpan tone of voice. Maeve and Aldwin blinked.

"We're gonna go. Say 'hi' to Arvin for me," Maeve said before she and Aldwin left.

"**Fact: Historically, Christmas wreaths have been used to symbolize power and strength**," Cube said.

"I want to go to the Leo's party!" Jodie yelled. Maeve turned to the Dolomite, which was surrounded by police officers, Marines, Canadian Mounties, and the SWAT team.

"I've made a huge mistake!" Leo yelled from inside the ship. Maeve turned to Aldwin.

"They lose the competition. The Leos didn't even try with their party," Maeve said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Maeve and Aldwin were on the Thousand Sunny, eating Christmas cookies Sanji made<p>

"**Fact: Watching Donald Duck cartoons on Christmas Eve is a tradition in Sweden**," Cube said.

"Eat up! I'm making more cookies!" Sanji yelled to Aldwin and Maeve as he pulled cookies out of the oven.

"And, I've got a ham!" Nami announced. A ham then hit Nami on the head. "What the hell?!"

Aldwin and Maeve slowly got up and left.

"Do they win?" Maeve asked.

"We've only attended three parties," Aldwin pointed out.

"Make that four," Maeve said.

"What?" Aldwin asked as they walked up a gangplank. "Where are we?"

"The Hyperion," Maeve answered.

"Maeve, there you are!"

Daisuke ran out of the Hyperion, blowing on a noisemaker.

"Daisuke! I hope the party didn't start without us!" Maeve said. Daisuke dragged Maeve and Aldwin inside, where the Capricorns' party was in full swing.

"They don't seem to be doing anything," Aldwin whispered to Maeve.

"And, I just realized that Locke is two years older than Miller," Maeve observed. Aldwin blinked. "Miller is eighteen and Locke is twenty."

"Locke's TWENTY?!" Aldwin cried. The Capricorns then stopped what they were doing. "Uhh..."

"**Fact: Saint Nicholas did not serve as the inspiration for Santa Claus**," Cube said. Then, loud, EDM/dubstep music began to play, and the Capricorns started to dance. Some were even drinking alcoholic beverages.

"Okay, I'm bored," Maeve said as she watched a drunk Karin grind against Kartik.

"Yeah, let's go to the next party," Aldwin said as Maeve watched Heathcliffe dump a bottle of vodka on himself. "Maeve, what are you doing?"

"Sarutobi FANSERVICE," Maeve said. Aldwin said nothing as he dragged Maeve off.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Maeve and Aldwin boarded an empty and deserted ship with the lights off.<p>

"Is anybody even here? I don't even know who owns this ship," Aldwin asked Maeve.

"We'll just wait for everyone to get here," Maeve said.

"How do we know we're not on the ship of the Dragon Lady?" Aldwin asked.

"She wouldn't own this ship," Maeve answered. Then, soft music came from inside the ship.

"Maeve, where is that music coming from?" Aldwin asked. Maeve opened the nearest door, and she saw that the hallway was lit up.

"Follow me," Maeve said. As Aldwin and Maeve walked down the hallway, the lights got brighter and the music got louder.

"Okay. Now I think I know whose party we're crashing," Aldwin said.

"It may not be them. This could be a trap," Maeve said as they approached a closed door. "Ready?"

"Don't come crying to me if we get killed, tortured, kidnapped, arrested, or sent to Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village," Aldwin explained. Maeve shuddered.

"Well, here goes nothing. You do have the police on speed dial, right?" Maeve asked before she opened the door, revealing a loud party in a brightly-lit room. Maeve gasped.

"What is it?!" Aldwin yelled.

"Indie rock! Cards Against Humanity! Free food and drinks! A piñata! Darts! Ugly, hipster sweaters!" Maeve yelled. Aldwin sweatdropped.

"And, that means?" Aldwin asked before the two of them walked into the room, revealing that they were at the Libras' very hipster Christmas party. "Oh. We got the hipsters."

"Didn't the piñata or the ugly sweaters give it away?" Maeve asked. "And, how come they haven't noticed us yet?"

"They're hipsters. Only explanation," Aoi said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Aldwin, Maeve, and the Libras were playing Cards Against Humanity. Aldwin and Maeve still hadn't been noticed by the Libras.<p>

"War! What's it good for?" Kazura read from a black card before he pulled out some white cards. "Miller answered with 'Tickets to see The Black Keys in concert'. Jin-Mao answered with 'To recreate my favorite anime'. Edmund answered with 'To get rid of the Capricorn Pirates'. Edmund, while your answer could've been the winning card for this round, it is not an official Cards Against Humanity card. Therefore, you are disqualified for five rounds."

"What?! Fuck you!" Edmund yelled. Rhett sighed.

"I still need to make new house rules for this game," Rhett said under his breath. Before Kazura could read off of Maeve's card, a ruckus was heard outside.

"Get your asses out here, you arrogant hipsters!"

The Libras got up.

"What the hell do the Capricorns want at this hour?" Edmund asked as the Libras left the ship, leaving Aldwin and Maeve alone together.

"**Fact: You know what? You already know the story of how the British army and the German army settled their differences on Christmas Day to celebrate Christmas during World War I, so you don't get a fun fact this time,**" Cube said.

* * *

><p>When Aldwin and Maeve got outside, they saw the Straw Hats, Capricorns, Libras, Aries, and Geminis fighting.<p>

"What's going on?" Aldwin asked.

"It's all a setup! They have better parties than us!" Nami sobbed.

"_And, I've worn out all the reasons to keep knocking at your door! Could be the changing of the seasons, but I don't love you anymore_!" Jodie sang/argued. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Okay, why are we fighting?" Yukari asked.

"Because I sent Aldwin and Maeve to all of your Christmas parties to determine which one was the best."

Basil stepped out of the shadows. Everyone turned to Basil.

"I've made a huge mistake," Kazura said under his breath.

"So, Maeve, Aldwin, who had the best Christmas party?" Basil asked.

"The Libras," Aldwin and Maeve answered at the same time. The Libras turned to Aldwin and Maeve.

"You were at our party the entire time?!" Miller cried.

"Congratulations, Libra Pirates! You win my 'Best Christmas Party' contest thingie!" Basil yelled. Everyone else turned to the Libras, Aldwin, Maeve, and Basil.

"Get them," Yuki-Rin said before an epic chase ensued.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Want even more Christmas parties? Review.<strong>


	22. Christmas in Yukijima

**Author's Note: **Well, gang, this is it. The last chapter of **The DysFUNctional Christmas **until the holiday season of 2014. We may not have had as many chapters as last's years batch of Christmas crack, but we still had a pretty decent haul. Plus, this chapter makes up for the lack of Christmas crack. Why?

It clocks in at 13,311 words. With that many words, you know what that means for **The DysFUNctional Pirates - **A Yukijima story. Fasten your seatbelts, kids. It's a pretty good story.

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece. A.G. Moria owns Ashley. Luffykotheeevee owns Maeve, Jodie, Aoi, Bullet, Leon, Cube, A.A.A., and Aldwin. I own the Capricorns, Libras, Aries, Geminis, Aquarius, Leos, Taurus, Scorpios, Sagittarius, and any Dangan Ronpa OCs that make a cameo in this chapter.**

* * *

><p>It was a few days before Christmas, and our favorite pirates all got an interesting invitation.<p>

"Fuck no! We are not going! That's not how you celebrate Christmas!"

"What about the implications of this place?"

"We're going. There's girls there."

"Meggie! Let's go to the thing!"

"We're not going."

"I'll go if there's boobies."

"Ain't nobody got time for that."

"**Fact: Taylor Swift was originally considered for the role of Ariadne in the movie _Inception_**."

"Usopp, deal with it. YOU KNOW Ajax is going to be there."

"Do we still have the police on speed dial?"

"No! If the Capricorns are going to be there, I WILL NOT be there!"

"Anton! You know if we all go there for CHRISTMAS, things won't end well!"

"I think I just got flashbacks."

"I've made a huge mistake."

However, there was only one person who was remotely interested in what the invite said - Foley Maeve.

"So... Looks like we're spending Christmas in Yukijima," Aoi commented.

"I don't know whether to feel afraid or... Excited," Jodie said.

"Well, at least it will beat last Christmas at Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Ski Resort," Maeve said. Everyone shuddered.

"Never again will I trust Big Macintosh..." Aoi said.

"Why did the Libras do that hipster flash mob?" Jodie asked.

"Sacré Bleu..." Leon said to himself.

"Why is last Christmas such a Noodle Incident?" Bullet asked.

"**Fact: Abercrombie and Fitch originally sold sporting goods and guns,**" Cube said.

* * *

><p>Later that afternoon, the Taurus Pirates were checked into the Yukijima Marriott, and they were waiting for Artemis to get their room keys.<p>

"Good afternoon, sir. Would you like to hear about natural gas and oil deposits that were recently discovered in the Calm Belt?" Pendleton asked Smoker. Smoker said nothing as he handcuffed Pendleton.

"You are under arrest for discussing the subject of fracking in public," Smoker explained. Everyone else laughed. "What? It's common knowledge that due to the controversy of the subject that you can't discuss fracking in public."

The Taurus Pirates laughed harder.

"You're Revolutionaries, right? Then, you're all under arrest for laughing at my attempts to arrest your friend for discussing fracking in a public place!" Smoker threatened.

"Language!"

The Aquariuses approached Smoker and the Tauruses.

"Thank God, back up!" Pendleton shouted, comical anime tears streaming down his face.

"What happened?" Meggie asked.

"Oh, we were discussing fracking," Annalease said casually. Meggie's jaw dropped.

"You WHAT?!" Meggie cried.

"You heard us. We were discussing fracking," Togo said.

"...You're only thirteen." Was all Meggie could say.

"I think I have some things to say about this fracking you speak of," Thorn said. Meggie pushed Thorn over to Smoker.

"Arrest my skeezy, second cousin for me, okay?" Meggie pleaded. Smoker facepalmed.

"Kids today and their iBoxes and XPods and their twerking and their cat videos..." Smoker commented under his breath.

* * *

><p>"<em>Sie sind das Essen und wir sind die Jäger<em>!"

Maeve opened the door in her room at the Yukijima Marriott, and the Libras were standing on the other side.

"It's the hipsters! I knew it was you guys when I heard Jin-Mao's cell phone ringtone!" Maeve said.

"He needs to get a new ringtone. Every time somebody even TEXTS him, I have to hear angry shouting in German," Edmund explained.

"Clearly, you haven't been listening to Franz Ferdinand in a while," Nigel said.

"So, Maeve, where is your crew?" Kazura asked.

"In their rooms. Why?" Maeve asked.

"Want to go play Bingo with us? It's not that mainstream, Maeve," Kazura asked.

"Sure! Let me ask Nami!" Maeve said.

"You can go, as long as you don't Koi no Yokan the bear," Nami said as she walked by. The Libras sweatdropped.

"Koi no Yokan? Bears? What?" Edmund asked.

"It's a long story. There's a reason why I can't hug Bepo anymore," Maeve said.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Maeve was returning to the Libras' hotel room at the Hampton Inn Yukijima.<p>

"...And, then I told Maeve, after we both refused to Cafune the bear, 'I'll only make-out with it if it looks like Dan Auerbach'," Jodie said, finishing up a story. The Libras sweatdropped.

"**Fact: Scientists from Norway have theorized that Rudolph's red nose was caused by a parasitic infection in his respiratory system,**" Cube said.

"_Sie sind das Essen und wir sind die Jäger_!"

Everyone sweatdropped as Jin-Mao pulled out his phone.

"Hello? Okay. What time? Sure, we can make it," Jin-Mao said before he hung up. "We have to be in one of the meeting rooms at Maeve's hotel in a couple of hours."

"For what?" Yukari asked.

"This better be freakin' important! Is the meadow on fire?!" Maeve asked.

"What meadow?" Kazura asked.

"The meadow in all of your hipster, photo edits!" Maeve yelled as they entered the room, where Aldwin was waiting. "...Aldwin, what are you doing here?"

Aldwin then turned red.

"Oh, crap! Anton gave me the wrong room!" Aldwin yelled before he ran out of the room. The Libras sweatdropped.

"**Fact: The third dream level in Robert Fischer Jr.'s dream in the movie _Inception _was inspired by the James Bond movie _On Her Majesty's Secret Service_**," Cube said.

* * *

><p>That night, the Capricorns, Libras, Aries, Geminis, Aquariuses, Tauruses, Leos, Scorpios, Sagittariues, and Straw Hats were gathered in a meeting room at the Yukijima Marriott. Aldwin, Anton, Basil, Ren, Jade, Alissa, Shen, Tashigi, Smoker, the Supernovas, Monet, and Shanks were also in attendance.<p>

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." The crowd of pirates said in unison.

"So... Come here often?" Aldwin asked the two people sitting on either side of him - Arvin and Locke. Locke then looked up, a la that reaction gif of Bert from Sesame Street.

"I think this is a bad place," Locke said slowly. A.A.A. then walked onto the makeshift stage that was in front of everyone.

"Testing, one, two, three..." A.A.A. said into the microphone.

"Is mayonnaise an instrument?" Flannery asked from the audience.

"No, Flannery, mayonnaise is not an instrument. Horseradish is not an instrument either," A.A.A. said.

"Is this the part where we start kicking?" Pomponia asked.

"No, Pomponia, that's a chorus line," A.A.A. deadpanned.

"Kicking?! I want to do some kicking!" Zoro yelled before he kicked Aurelia. A dark aura then surrounded Aurelia.

"It's time..." Aurelia said before she dragged Zoro outside. Several minutes later, Aurelia and Zoro returned, with Zoro's heard being stuck inside of a mailbox.

"Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on," Zoro said before he walked back to his row and sat on Sanji's lap. "Oi! Who took my seat?!"

Sanji then kicked Zoro so hard, Zoro flew into the ceiling and got stuck in it from the waist up.

"That's what's up," Sanji said, brushing off his hands. Everyone grew silent, save for crickets chirping.

"Beal, take your crickets outside," A.A.A. said. Beal pouted as he picked up a small cage of crickets and took it outside of the room. Everybody grew silent.

"Make this quick! Cheer Perfection is going to be on in fifteen minutes!" Linus yelled.

"We know you watch that for the girls in cheerleader uniforms!" Cima shouted back.

"Burned!" The rest of the Geminis yelled.

"Shut up!" Linus sobbed. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Anyway, I am getting married on Christmas Day. You are all forced to attend - I mean, invited - to my wedding," A.A.A. said. Everyone grew silent.

"What the actual fuck?!" Heathcliffe cried.

"What in the Sam Hill?!" Miller cried.

"Woah! Mindfuck! Mindfuck! MINDFUCK!" Bullet yelled.

"I'm not sure what to think of this, Triple A-san," Robin said.

"I... I need an adult!" Togo yelled.

"Whut?" Showtarou asked.

"I don't want to live on this planet anymore!" Indie cried.

"Is this real life?!" Edmund cried.

"Can you not?!" Yvonne asked.

"I need to stop drinking!" Shanks yelled before he threw his bottle of beer at the wall.

"Is she pregnant?!" Ludovic yelled.

"**Fact: _Okay, now he was close, tried to domesticate you. But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature. Just let me liberate you_**," Cube sang with no emotion. Everyone sweatdropped. "**I mean - Fact: Christmas trees usually grow for fifteen years before they are sold**."

Everyone grew silent.

"So... Who are you going to marry?" Maeve asked.

"Don't say that!" Everyone else yelled.

"I will be marrying A.A.A. on Christmas."

Everyone turned to the stage, where Thorn was standing, with his arm around A.A.A. Everyone in the audience grew silent as they pulled out their weapons.

"Let the bodies hit the floor..." Nigel said darkly before everyone began to fight. The fight was so intense, the Panic! At the Disco song _Let's Kill Tonight _was playing in the background.

"How are people not dying?" Maeve asked Jodie, Aoi, Bullet, Leon, and Cube. Jodie said nothing as she ducked to avoid Heathcliffe's scythe, which ended up lodged in the wall behind Jodie.

"I have no clue!"

Aldwin then ninja-rolled over to Maeve.

"We have to do something about this!" Aldwin yelled. Jodie then snapped her fingers, and the music stop. Thus, everyone stopped fighting.

"Jodie, what's going on?" Maeve asked.

"My name is Jodie Walker. Welcome to _Jackass_," Jodie said. Then, the music started as the room began to shake.

"What the hell?!" Everyone cried as a wave carried everyone but the Libras, Maeve, and Aldwin away. The goat-seal from Charlie the Unicorn 3 then floated into the room.

"How is this possible?!" Stella-Rondo cried as a Gyarados carried her, Miller, Kazura, Edmund, Yukari, Aurelia, and Mason around the room.

"What the hell?!" Aldwin cried as the goat-seal swam up to him, despite swimming in air.

"_When you're feeling all alone,  
>The worlds a drone,<br>And nobody's shown,  
>Any love to you<br>When your heart is cold as stone,  
>Just change your tone,<br>Get rid of that grown,  
>And the world will too<em>

_Because swordfishes _-" The goat-seal sang.

"_Love you!_" A swordfish sang as he swam by Aldwin, Maeve, and the Libras.

"_Jellyfishes -_" The goat-seal sang.

"_Love you!_" A group of jellyfish from Spongebob sang as they swam past.

"_Starfishes -_" The goat-seal sang. The starfish from Charlie the Unicorn 3 and 4 then popped up in front of the Libras, a knife in its hand.

"_I love you!_" Starfish sang as he waved his knife around. Several of the Libras screamed.

"Get us out of here!" Everyone but Maeve cried as the starfish swam away.

"_Catfishes_ -" The goat-seal sang.

"_Love you_!" A catfish sang as he swam past.

"_Cuttlefishes_ -" The goat-seal sang.

"_Love you_!" Feferi from Homestuck sang as she ran past.

"_Blowfishes_ -" The goat-seal sang before Starfish popped back up.

"_Starfish really loves you!_" Starfish yelled before he swam away. The Libras and Aldwin screamed louder.

"_- In the ocean blue!_" The goat-seal sang. Maeve said nothing as she ran from the room.

"You'll never take me alive, Ezra Koenig!" Maeve yelled to the Libras before she passed out.

* * *

><p>When Maeve awoke, she awoke in a room backstage.<p>

"Where am I?" Maeve asked.

"Remember when we put on _Moulin Rouge_ for Odacchi? Now, he wants us to put on another play."

The Straw Hats, Capricorns, Libras, Aries, Geminis, Aquariuses, Tauruses, Leos, Scorpios, Sagittariuses, and Aldwin approached Maeve.

"What play are we putting on?" Maeve asked.

"_Annie and Her Seven Brides for Seven Brothers go to Wuthering Heights, South Pacific_. Because the title is too long, we're calling it _Charlie the Unicorn 5_," Nami explained. Maeve blinked.

"Who's in it?" Maeve asked.

"You play Annie. By 'Annie', we don't mean 'Little Orphan Annie'. We mean Annie Cresta from _The Hunger Games_," Nami explained. Hana then began to cry.

"No! Why did Finnick have to leave Annie behind?!" Hana sobbed. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Anyway... Heathcliffe, Llewellyn, Arvin, Fallon, Kazura, Sanji, and Aldwin play the seven brides. Aki, Citron, Stella-Rondo, Yvonne, Pomponia, Amelia, and Trish play the seven brothers," Nami explained.

"Nami... Why did you give the guys girl roles and vice versa?" Kazura asked.

"Oh, and Edmund plays Charlie the Unicorn," Nami said.

"What?! Hell to the no! I am not going to have a kidney taken from me!" Edmund cried. "Oh, and Yukari is not playing... Who is she married to in the play?"

"Arvin," Nami answered. Edmund stormed up to the Filipino boy on the Geminis.

"Touch Yukari, and heads will roll," Edmund threated. Arvin responded by bitch-slapping Edmund.

"Asong babae, huwag gumawa ako pumunta lahat Llamas Sa Sumbrero sa iyo! Nauunawaan ko na nais mong makuha sa Yukari ng pantalon, ngunit hindi maglakas-loob mo magbanta sa akin tulad na! Mayroon akong brongkitis! Ay hindi walang saysay na tao Nakakuha ng panahon para sa na!" Arvin yelled. Everyone sweatdropped. (1).

"What did he say about me?" Yukari asked.

"You don't want to know," Arvin said. Maeve just blinked at the whole scene.

"**Fact: Heathcliffe Sarutobi has just been named People Magazine's 'Sexiest Man Alive Period. Your Argument is Invalid',**" Cube said.

"'No' is a complete sentence!" Jodie yelled as she threw Cube at Yuki-Rin's head.

"This feels so unnatural," Maeve commented, tilting her head in confusion.

"Peter Gabriel, too," Rhett added.

* * *

><p>Maeve then awoke in her room at the Yukijima Marriott the next morning.<p>

"Taco salad!" Maeve yelled as she got up.

"**Fact: Ken Wantanabe dubbed his lines twice for the Japanese release of _Inception _- Once for the DVD version and once for the theatrical version**," Cube said.

"Oh, good. It was all a dream. Cube is saying normal facts and not weird facts," Maeve said.

"The part about A.A.A. and Thorn getting married wasn't a dream," Aoi pointed out.

"Aoi, go to your room until I say so. No, you may not watch any anime while you're in your room," Maeve said. Aoi then kicked over a chair and pulled out a prop shotgun.

"The revolution will not die!" Aoi yelled.

"Aoi, you're getting too excited. Have you been eating Bullet's Sherbet Fancies again?" Maeve asked. "I suggest you go into the corner."

Aoi's face turned serious.

"I'm gonna go play with Bullet's voodoo dolls of Nigel and Kipton," Aoi muttered before she left the room.

"Why the [whatever shirt Edmund is wearing today] do you have voodoo dolls of Nigel and Kipton?" Maeve asked. "They're awesomesauce!"

Bullet shrugged as Nami entered.

"Maeve, come on! We have to go to A.A.A.'s bachelorette breakfast!" Nami said.

"Why is it for bachelorettes only?" Jodie asked.

"Shut up, Jodie," Everyone said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the female Straw Hats, Capricorns, Libras, Aries, Geminis, Aquariuses, Scorpios, Leos, Sagittariuses, and Tauruses were at the local Waffle House, celebrating A.A.A.'s bachelorette breakfast.<p>

"No way! Karin got me edible panties!" A.A.A. yelled as she unwrapped a box of edible panties. As A.A.A. began to eat the panties, Maeve got up.

"This party is a sausage fest. I'm leaving," Maeve announced.

"Okay. I understand that this breakfast isn't for everyone," A.A.A. said. "However, you are required to attend my engagement party tomorrow night."

"Right. This ain't over," Maeve said before giving A.A.A. the District 12 salute and walking out of the Waffle House. Maeve then walked past the Denny's next door, where Thorn was holding his bachelors' breakfast.

"_Sie sind das Essen und wir sind die Jäger_!"

The ground around Maeve shook, and the windows of the Denny's then blew out. Aldwin then climbed through one of the broken windows of the Denny's.

"What happened?" Maeve asked. Aldwin pointed to inside the Denny's, where Jin-Mao stood in the center of various males from various pirate crews, who were all passed out.

"A telemarketer called Jin-Mao. That's what happened," Aldwin answered. Maeve chuckled.

"LOL. Zoro, Ludo, Miller, Isaac, Nigel, Enlai, and Arvin are all planking," Maeve said, pointing to the six males who were lying face-down on the counter inside of Denny's.

"**Fact: Boxing Day, which is celebrated on the day after Christmas, originally started as a holiday where maids and butlers would receive gifts from their masters,**" Cube said.

"So... What do you want to do?" Aldwin asked.

"Adventure Time!" Maeve yelled.

* * *

><p>That night, Maeve returned to the hotel.<p>

"Where were you for a long-ass time?" Sanji asked.

"The zoo," Maeve said with a shrug.

"Okay. Sounds legit," Franky said before the Straw Hats resumed whatever they were doing. Maeve just sat down.

"This is the weirdest Big Lipped Alligator Moment ever," Bullet said.

"This Big Lipped Alligator Moment has nothing to do with this," Maeve said. Bullet facepalmed.

"That's the point," Bullet pointed out.

* * *

><p>The next day...<p>

"Should we hang out with Capricorns, hipsters, Canadians, the harem of Linus Forsythe, Meggie and her peeps, the Epic Fail Revolutionaries, or the 'I've Made a Huge Mistake' Pirates?" Maeve asked.

"Capricorns!" Aoi said.

"Meggie!" Jodie said.

"Linus and his harem!" Bullet said.

"Canadians!" Leon said.

"**Fact: In 1836, Alabama became the first state to officially recognize Christmas**," Cube said.

"On second thought, I actually need to talk to Aldwin. We'll play by ear on what crew to annoy later," Maeve said.

"We should throw maple syrup balloons at the Capricorns," Aoi said. Everyone turned to the twelve-year old. "What? It sounded like a good idea."

"No, Aoi. Just no," Maeve said with the voice of Liechtenstein from Hetalia.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Maeve and Aldwin were exiting the movie theater. They had both seen <em>The Lizzie MacGuire Movie<em>, and the both of them were terrified.

"_Hey now, hey now. This is what dreams are made of_," Aldwin sang, his body shaking from fright.

"So, why are we scared of Lizzie MacGuire all of a sudden?" Maeve asked.

"Was she the one who called everyone ugly over Twitter?" Aldwin asked.

"No, that was Amanda Bynes. You're close, though," Maeve said. The two grew silent as they continued to walk.

"_Should I say something to Maeve?_" Aldwin thought to himself.

"You should, mate."

Llewellyn approached them.

"Oh, crap! I said that out loud?!" Aldwin cried as he pulled out what looked like salt. "Shun the non-believer! Shun! Shuuuuuuunnnnnnn!"

Aldwin threw the salt into Llewellyn's face before running away. Llewellyn sweatdropped as he licked his palm.

"This is sugar, not salt," Llewellyn said.

"There's a long story behind that. It involves somebody who looks like you," Maeve said flatly.

"Okay, putting random sugar-throwin' aside, have you seen the Libras anywhere?" Llewellyn asked.

"Check Target. Why? What's going on?" Maeve asked.

"Well... My crew is divided about A.A.A. and Thorn's wedding. Aomame, Terrance, Stanton, and Leira want them to marry, because they're worried that bad things will happen if they don't support it. Kim, Yohan, Indie, Beal, and I are against it, since... Well, IT'S A.A.A. AND BLOODY THORN SARUTOBI! Were they drunk when Thorn proposed?!" Llewellyn cried.

"Come to think of it, I last saw them yesterday at the party at Waffle House," Maeve said.

"Or Denny's, if they went to Thorn's party," Llewellyn said. Maeve then realized something grave.

"Oh, shit! Aoi, Jodie, Bullet, Leon, and Cube are gone, too!" Maeve cried. "Llewellyn, do you know where I can get a bicycle? Or, at least a liver and onions-powered sea goat named Logan?"

Llewellyn pointed to Sawyer, who was riding past on a bicycle. Maeve jogged over to Sawyer.

"Oi, Peeta Mellark! Give me your bike!" Maeve yelled.

"I can't. I have to go buy my crew food," Sawyer answered before he crashed into a light post and fell off of the bike. Maeve hopped onto the bike.

"Thanks, Greg Ayres," Maeve said before she biked off. (2)

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Libras were at Target buying a bunch of food. Jodie, Aoi, Bullet, Leon, and Cube were behind the Libras in the checkout line.<p>

"Are you sure Maeve would like cookie butter?" Jodie asked Leon as they scanned a jar of cookie butter at the self-checkout.

"Who doesn't love cookie butter?" Leon asked.

"_Unexpected item in bagging area. Please remove the item._"

Aoi picked Cube up.

"**Fact: All of the gifts mentioned in _The 12 Days of Christmas _would add up to 364 gifts**," Cube said.

"Unexpected item in bagging area. Please remove the item," Aoi said.

"You already did," Jodie said as she scanned a tub of ice cream.

"_Unexpected item in bagging area. Please remove the item_."

Aoi, Leon, and Jodie turned to Bullet, who was sitting cross-legged in the bagging area.

"Rub some fu[goose honk]king bacon on it! Youtube money, b[We're going to Candy Mountain]tch!" Bullet yelled before drinking straight out of a carton of milk.

* * *

><p>Minutes after the Libras and her mind-peoples left, Maeve arrived at Target.<p>

"Jodie?! Aoi?! Bullet?! Leon?! Cube?! Where are you?!" Maeve yelled. "Ricola!"

"Bitch, I want my bike back!"

Maeve turned back, and she saw Peony, Leo, Jessamine, Yvonne, Cary, Sawyer, Keating, and Alabama, all with torches and pitchforks.

"Oh, [sweater biscuits]," Maeve said before she pulled some credit cards out of her pocket. "Here! Have some gift cards!"

Maeve then ran out of the Target. The Leos sweatdropped as they picked up the gift cards that appeared out of nowhere.

"I got a gift card to American Eagle Outfitters. You?" Yvonne asked.

"Panera Bread," Sawyer answered.

"Best Buy," Alabama answered.

"Longhorn Steakhouse," Leo said.

* * *

><p>That evening, after a long day of running around Yukijima, Maeve came back to her hotel room.<p>

"Rose Tyler, you were fantastic!" Maeve yelled as she entered her room. Sanji said nothing as he thrust some long, black fabric into Maeve's arms. Maeve inspected the fabric, revealing it to be...

"A cocktail dress?! Why in the name of Workbitch Bartholomew would I need this?!" Maeve cried.

"It's for later when we go to A.A.A. and Thorn's engagement party," Sanji explained.

"Later?" Maeve asked.

"Yeah. We're going to the bathhouse to get ready. The Capricorns will be there as well," Nami explained. Maeve just blinked.

"Awkward. Totes awkward," Maeve said.

"You don't have to come, Mortician-san. But, meet us at the Capricorns' hotel when we call you, okay?" Robin asked.

"Whatever. This entire adventure on Yukijima is a Tupperware party. I want to leave," Maeve said.

"We have to stay. If we don't support A.A.A. and Thorn, who knows what they'll do to us," Usopp explained.

"What if they do something bad to us at the wedding? It keeps happening with A.A.A.!" Maeve pointed out. Nami sighed.

"Maeve, go do something. We'll call you when we're done with our baths," Nami said. Maeve sighed.

"Fine! I'm taking my hammered goose liver with me!" Maeve yelled as she pocketed some cash before leaving the room. Maeve then re-entered the room a few seconds later. "I forgot my iPhone!"

Maeve pocketed her iPhone and left. She returned a few moments later.

"That was a closet, Jodie!" Maeve yelled before she exited the room. The Straw Hats sweatdropped.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Maeve wandered the streets of Yukijima, deep in thought.<p>

"**Fact: Teddy Roosevelt banned Christmas trees from the White House in 1912,**" Cube said.

"I want my teddy bear. I'm scared," Aoi said.

"You mean the Monokuma one? We had to kill it, remember? It tried to force us to kill the Capricorns a la Dangan Ronpa," Maeve explained.

"You there. Yes, you."

Sengoku stepped out of the shadows, dragging a whale behind him.

"Do you have time to listen to the good news of Eneru's Religion?" Sengoku asked. Maeve blinked.

"Nobody cares about Eneru," Maeve pointed out. "He's barely mentioned in **The DysFUNctional Pirates**, so why are we mentioning him now?"

"And nobody cares about what you just said," Sengoku retorted as he cleared his throat.

"Oh, don't tell me that we're going to get lectured!" Jodie cried.

"_Because in 1666, an apple fell on Newton's head  
>Our modern view of gravity from this event was bred<br>'Till Einstein came along and said 'Newton, man, you suck  
>It's obvious that space-time controls gravity, you shmuck'<br>The unification wasn't to come from relativity  
>So, then Einstein spent his later years in mental misery<br>Then in 1968, the world of physics, it did change  
>And through the years, a new theory arrived and it was strange<br>It said the world we live in is comprised of not but strings  
>These tiny bits of energy, these crazy, wiggly things<br>It finally made the subatomic forces work with gravity  
>The quantum world and Einstein became one, big family<em>," Sengoku sang.

"This lecture sucks," Jodie said, sticking a finger into her nose.

"Marimba solo!" Sengoku yelled. Maeve turned to Bullet, who was playing a marimba like a boss. Maeve said nothing as she grabbed Bullet and walked off.

"Hey! I was in the middle of a kick-ass marimba solo!" Bullet cried.

"Do you want to listen to the crazy man when we have no time?" Maeve asked. "Then, let's go to McDonald's and steal their ketchup."

"This makes no sense," Bullet pointed out.

"It will when we're all doing an Attack on Titan cosplay at a McDonalds somewhere in Nevada that involves songs by The Decemberists," Maeve explained.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Maeve arrived at the Ritz-Carlton Yukijima.<p>

"Why are we here?" Aoi asked.

"I heard there was a McDonald's here," Maeve said as she began to aimlessly wander the halls.

"Maeve, what the [Time to go to bed, Susan] is this? This is a Ritz-Carlton, not a Best Western. They wouldn't have McDonald's here," Bullet asked.

"It's down the street. Nami needs us now for A.A.A. and Thorn's party," Maeve said as they entered the lobby of the hotel's bathhouse. Inside, the Capricorns and Straw Hats were waiting, some wearing towels, and others wearing Strong World-esque formal attire.

"There you are, Maeve! We've been waiting!" Sanji said. Maeve sighed.

"Give the dress to one of Ivankov's transvestites, I'm not going to A.A.A. and Thorn's engagement party," Maeve said.

"Why not? They'll have meat," Luffy said.

"For the last time, I will not support the marriage between my Sitcom Archnemisis and that one Sarutobi nobody likes," Maeve explained.

"Say what you will, you're going in support of said Sitcom Archnemisis and that one Sarutobi nobody likes," Nami explained.

"Hell to the no! There's no telling what A.A.A. is going to do at this wedding! She could sell you guys into prostitution AGAIN if you attend the wedding!" Maeve yelled. The Straw Hats and Capricorns grew silent.

"No, she won't," Heathcliffe said. Maeve ran up Heathcliffe and bitch-slapped him.

"Don't say that! You have just resigned yourself to sex, more sex, and babies!" Maeve yelled.

"Speak for yourself! You just resigned yourself to major trouble, Maeve!" Nami yelled.

"I don't give a basket of hash browns! You're treating me like the Boy Who Cried Wolf, AND I WON'T FUCKING STAND FOR IT! I DON'T STAND FOR IT SO MUCH, I SWORE INSTEAD OF USING SILLY WORDS TO CENSOR MYSELF!" Maeve shouted.

"Maeve, you need to chill out. Maybe this wedding will make A.A.A. good," Zoro said. Maeve glared at Zoro.

"Marimo, shut the hell up," Maeve said darkly.

"Finally, you get on my level!" Sanji yelled before Nami stomped on his foot. Maeve sighed.

"You know what, Straw Hats? I am so done. I'm leaving this crew," Maeve said.

"Maeve, no!" Luffy yelled.

"You heard me! I'm not sailing with a crew that supports my worst nightmare!" Maeve yelled. "Good-bye, Straw Hats!"

Maeve then stormed out of the bathhouse. Everyone grew silent.

"She'll be back in the morning. Don't worry about it," Robin said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Maeve arrived at the Yukijima Marriott and sat down on one of the couches in the lobby.<p>

"**Fact: The first decorated Christmas tree was in Riga, Latvia, in 1510**," Cube said.

"Maeve, please know that we're on your side," Jodie said.

"Yeah. Like how the Straw Hats were on my side," Maeve said.

"No, we believe you. A.A.A. and Thorn's marriage sucks," Bullet said.

"Thanks, Bullet," Maeve said. The lobby grew silent for a few minutes. Then, music began to play in the distance. "Wait... Where's that music coming from?"

Maeve got up and followed the source of the music.

"What are you doing, Maeve? We could be going to A.A.A. and Thorn's engagement party," Leon asked as the music got louder.

"I don't care," Maeve said before they came to the source of the music - A hallway leading to various ballrooms. Maeve said nothing as she entered a meeting room with its doors open. Inside, it wasn't A.A.A. and Thorn's engagement party, but a party the Libras were throwing.

"They don't look like A.A.A. or Thorn to me," Bullet said before Maeve and her personalities entered the party. As Maeve walked further into the party, she discovered that everyone was too busy to notice her.

"_Right thoughts, right words, right action_," Maeve sang along to the music. "I mean - Why won't they notice us?"

"They're hipsters," Bullet deadpanned. Maeve facepalmed.

"Maeve? What are you doing here?"

Maeve turned her head, and she saw Aldwin.

"Aldwin? What are you doing here?" Maeve asked.

"Long story," Aldwin said, looking down at the ground. "You?"

"Long story," Maeve echoed. Then, the song ended, and everyone turned to Maeve.

"Oi! We have two more guests!" Nigel shouted.

"Hi," Maeve said with a wave of her hand. "Are we... Welcome?"

"Sure. You guys don't look like you plan to go to A.A.A. and Thorn's party like us," Kazura said. "What brings you two to our party?"

"I didn't feel like siding with Anton and supporting A.A.A. and Thorn's wedding, so I slipped Anton some sleeping pills and ran off," Aldwin explained.

"I got into a fight with my crew, and I decided to leave the Straw Hats. They wouldn't believe me about what could happen with this horrible, Christmas wedding, so I stormed off," Maeve explained. "And, do you know who they side with besides A.A.A. and Thorn? The Capricorns, of course. They think that if they support A.A.A. and Thorn's wedding, everything will be 'peachy keen, a-ok, let's go ride a flying bed to public access television land'."

The Libras grew silent. Then, they huddled around each other, talking in whispers.

"What did we do?" Aldwin asked.

"I mentioned the Capricorns, so there," Maeve said. The Libras turned back to Aldwin and Maeve.

"Maeve, Aldwin... Do you know that scene in _The Muppet Movie _where Kermit and Fozzie first meet The Electric Mayhem and they sing _Can You Picture That_?" Nigel asked. Aldwin and Maeve nodded.

"Good. Because this is just like that scene, but much cooler," Locke explained.

"Okay?" Maeve said.

"So... Why are you guys having a party here?" Aldwin asked.

"We're going to this HUGE, hipster music festival tomorrow, and we're celebrating the fact that we're leaving Yukijima," Edmund answered. "You two are free to tag along."

"Awesome!" Maeve said. "Wait - Don't we have to pay to get in?"

"Law and Bonney were supposed to come with us, but Bepo had to have surgery at the last minute," Kazura answered. Aldwin and Maeve gasped.

"No! Not Bepo!" Aldwin and Maeve cried, allowing for the Authoress to segue into the intermission.

* * *

><p><strong>Intermission<strong>

Basil sat in a public access television studio, a panorama picture of Yukijima behind him.

"Hello, and welcome to the Yukijima Culture Report. I'm Basil Le'Ursa, and I will be bringing you the latest in food, people, culture, and fun in Yukijima," Basil said to the non-existent audience. "Today, I will be taking you to the Yukijima Seafood Galley. I lied. It's actually Dixie Crossroads from that one episode of the Titusville Culture Report by the guy who did Charlie the Unicorn. Oh, wait, I lied again. I went to Red Lobster."

Arvin hopped onto the stage, cosplaying as Kamina.

"Don't you DARE insult Red Lobster! I don't care that they have a lack of Filipino seafood, Red Lobster is like crack to me!" Arvin yelled.

"You have anger issues, man. First, you yell at Edmund in Filipino, now this. Can I recommend you a session with Doctor Ageha Midori, Doctor Alto Jarvis, Doctor Aomame Kirigaya, Doctor Deuce Greendale, Doctor Ludovic Swansea, or Doctor Cary Morgenstern?" Basil deadpanned. Ageha, Alto, Aomame, Deuce, Ludovic, and Cary then walked onto the stage, dressed in maid outfits.

"You rang, nurse?" The doctors for the Capricorns, Libras, Arieses, Geminis, Tauruses, and Leos asked. Basil facepalmed.

"Go home. Just... Go home," Basil said. The doctors and Arvin then left. "Anyway... This Red Lobster was okay. Thankfully, this Red Lobster had the Cheddar Bay biscuits, so I guess that's a plus."

"Grand Slammich?"

Basil looked into the camera.

"Shut this camera off," Basil said. The camera then shut off.

**End Intermission**

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Maeve and Aldwin were in Maeve's hotel room, gathering Maeve's things.<p>

"What about the stuff on the Sunny?" Aldwin asked.

"All my stuff is here," Maeve said as she walked over to the pen and paper the hotel had in the room. "Now, what should my good-bye note to the Straw Hats be?"

"'I'll be back'? I don't know, I suck at this," Aldwin said. Maeve snapped her fingers.

"Bingo!" Maeve said before she began to write on the paper. "Don't bother looking for me, because you'll never, ever find me!"

"Ever!" Jodie yelled for emphasis.

"Good-bye, forever, Straw Hats!" Maeve yelled as she slammed the paper down onto the table. Maeve then turned back to Aldwin. "So, where are you staying?"

"Hampton Inn. I'm in between the Abingdons and the Sarutobis and I'm across from a weirdo who keeps calling himself 'Abelard Wolf' and talks in the third-person," Aldwin explained. Maeve smiled.

"Good enough for me!" Maeve said before the two left the room.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, A.A.A. and Thorn's engagement party was in full-swing. It was just like every, awkward, middle school and high school dance.<p>

"I was right. This event sucks," Luffy said.

"Luffy! Do not use that language in front of your mother!" Zoro yelled.

"Don't have a cow, man!" Luffy said.

* * *

><p>With the Libras, Maeve, and Aldwin, they were walking to the Libras' hotel.<p>

"_Walter Salmon makes it easy for you!_" The Libras, Maeve, and Aldwin sang as they skipped/danced/Prancercized their way down the streets of Yukijima.

"I feel alive!" Maeve yelled as she swung around a lamppost.

"That's the point! You only feel alive on Yukijima when you either leave or attend the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival!" Edmund yelled back as they entered the Hampton Inn. "Good evening, Ashley. I see you're doing well."

The girl at the front desk - Ashley - looked up.

"Welcome back, Libras. Had a good evening on the town?" Ashley asked.

"Yes, we did," Edmund said.

"Glad to hear it. There are some freshly-baked cookies waiting for you in your rooms, and your beds have been turned down," Ashley said.

"Alright. Thank you, Ashley," Edmund said before the Libras left. Then, Ashley's mood changed.

"I swear, I am sending Moria to sex rehab. Bitch is making me go broke with his porn addiction," Ashley said to herself.

* * *

><p>Up in the Libras' rooms, the "We're Leaving Yukijima for the Christmas Version of Burning Man" party was still going strong.<p>

"**Fact: Each year, 3 billion Christmas cards are sent,**" Cube said before a knock at the door was heard.

"If you're the Capricorns or Straw Hats, get lost! Maeve Foley and Aldwin Yorkson aren't here!" Maeve yelled. The Libras cheered as Aldwin answered the door to three girls and two boys carrying video cameras.

"Can I help you?" Aldwin asked.

"I'm Sukie Chung. These are my fellow camera people, Moana Chang - you can call her 'Mona'; she doesn't mind -, Isaac Bjorklund, Wu-Ren Lau, and Jacqueline Minden. We're here to film you," Sukie explained.

"Does this have to do with A.A.A.'s wedding?" Aldwin asked.

"Of course. We're getting paid to film it," Sukie replied. Aldwin responded by closing the door in their faces.

"'Murica," Aldwin said as he turned back to the Libras and Maeve, who cheered.

"**Fact: The first Christmas card was produced and sold in London in 1843,**" Cube said.

"So... Anybody want to play a game?" Jodie asked.

"What game?" Aldwin asked. A few minutes later, our favorite hipsters were playing a game that involved drawing, random trivia questions, the movement of game pieces, and other, random things.

"What are you drawing?" Aoi asked Edmund, who was drawing something as part of the game.

"Miller, Nigel, Adwin, Mason, and Stella-Rondo, for five hundred points, which indie/alternative band leader is a toff? And, Mason, you can't say 'Alex Turner'," Edmund said.

"Is it that guy from Imagine Dragons?" Aldwin asked.

"No," Edmund said flatly.

"It's Ezra Koenig, isn't it?" Nigel asked.

"No, it's Dan Auerbach. Of course, it's Ezra Koenig," Edmund replied sarcastically. Aldwin turned to Maeve.

"Do hipsters always play these games at parties?" Aldwin asked.

"They probably do. Jodie told me that it isn't over until they duct-tape somebody to a wall," Maeve explained as Mason and Aleksandar began duct-taping Bullet to the wall. "Oh. Looks like Mason and Aleksandar won."

* * *

><p>The next morning...<p>

"What?! What do you mean Maeve's gone?!" Nami yelled as she read Maeve's good-bye note to the Straw Hats and the Capricorns.

"Brilliant! Fantastic! Molto bene!" Sanji yelled, throwing his arms up into the air. (3)

"Maeve's not the only one gone - Master Aldwin has also ran off in the night."

Everyone looked out the window, and they saw Anton casually standing on the windowsill.

"Where did you come from?" Nami asked.

"Your mother's back door," Anton said darkly. "Anyway, we need to form a search party for them."

Daisuke jumped up and set off a party popper.

"Not THAT kind of party!" Yulia cried. Daisuke flipped his hair.

"I do what I want," Daisuke said, crossing his arms. Nami sighed and turned to Anton.

"Get Alissa, Jade, Ren, Basil, and Shen, and meet us at the Capricorns' hotel in an hour," Nami demanded.

* * *

><p>With the Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve, they were on the road to Yukijima Burning Man.<p>

"So, we're a day early, so we're going to spend the night in Old Viridian City. Tomorrow, we will arrive at the festival tomorrow, which is in the deserts outside of Afro Circus," Edmund explained to the group of hipsters and two runaways, who were currently on a bus.

"This is the life - We get to see all of the places we went to on our last trip to Yukijima. I wonder how the Careers, Anna, Andy, and the Pantless are doing," Maeve said. Aldwin shuddered. (4)

"Maeve, don't remind me about our last trip to Yukijima. Just... Don't," Aldwin said. "But, if you wanted to know, I got a Christmas card from the Careers."

Aldwin handed Maeve a generic, Christmas card.

"Dear fellow members of our Party Wagon, how are you doing? We're having fun at our new job with The Learning Annex, torturing people by freak-dancing and Lady Gaga. We heard you were going back to Yukijima for the holidays. Wish we could be there, but Hancock sent us to Dressrosa to run a seminar for her. Happy holidays! Sincerely, the Careers," Maeve read from the card. "Despite the fact they're sadists, the Careers are pretty darn nice."

An awkward silence then formed between Maeve and Aldwin.

"**Fact: The Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees out of dyed goose feathers,**" Cube said.

"Oh, hey, Cube. How's it going?" Aldwin asked, giving a fist-bump to the cube.

"**Nothing much, Aldwin Yorkson,**" Cube said. "**How is Anton?**"

"He's fine. Last time I checked, he was sleeping," Aldwin answered.

"Oh, yes. You gave a talking, vampiric cat sleeping pills. Good times, good times," Maeve said to herself.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve arrived at Old Viridian City.<p>

"We're here!" Maeve yelled as she got out of the bus. "Suck it, peasants who are going to Yukijima!"

The people who were boarding a bus that was going to Yukijima shuddered.

"Yeah! Suck it! Suck it HARD!" Jodie yelled. The Libras, Aldwin, Maeve, Aoi, Bullet, Leon, and Cube sweatdropped.

"Maeve, is Jodie the crazy one, or Aoi?" Aldwin asked.

"They alternate on days ending in '-y'. Bullet is the Only Sane One, Leon is the Token French Guy, and Cube is just there," Maeve explained. "Also, there's another personality. Her name's Abby, and we don't talk about her."

The Libras grew silent.

"Who's Abby and why haven't we met her?" Kazura asked.

"_What's the meaning of Stonehenge?!_" Jodie sang. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Let's go get checked into our hotel," Maeve said.

* * *

><p>Back in Yukijima, the Straw Hats, Capricorns, Arieses, Geminis, Aquariuses, Scorpios, Tauruses, Leos, Sagittariuses, Basil, Ren, A.A.A., Shen, Jade, Alissa, and Anton organized a search party to find Aldwin, Maeve, and the Libras.<p>

"Listen up, sluts! We're forming a search party!" A.A.A. yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"Man the fucking lifeboats!" Ludovic shouted.

"Alpha team, you search uptown. Gold team searches downtown," Nami explained, pointing in random directions to represent the teams. "Any questions?"

Everyone grew silent.

"Gold team rules!" Beal, Arvin, Fallon, Togo, Souma, Isaac, Keating, Malachy, Wolfgang, Daisuke, Gareth, Basil, Terrance, and Luffy yelled.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the search started.<p>

"Maeve?! Maeve?!" Nami shouted.

"Master Aldwin, come out!" Anton yelled.

"Libras, get out here NOW!" Yuki-Rin shouted.

"Oi, hipsters, get your asses out here!" Zoro yelled.

"Boom-shaka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka!" Thierry drunkenly yelled into a mailbox. Nami sighed as she tried to walk away, only for Soren to latch onto her leg.

"Help me find Teru! I want my wifey!" Soren cried. Nami sighed.

"Okay, Soren. I'll go with you," Nami said as she pried Soren off of her leg.

* * *

><p>Back in Old Viridian City, the Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve were settling into their rooms at the Beautiful, Perfect Carlos Resort and Casino.<p>

"Just got a text from Thorn. It says 'Daft Punk is Playing at my House'. I'm blocking him for life," Edmund announced to his siblings.

"Creeper," Amelia commented.

"How did he get your phone number?" Rhett asked.

"We had to sign that guestbook at his breakfast at Denny's," Edmund answered. Rhett grew pale.

"This means he has my cell phone number too?" Rhett asked. Edmund nodded. "Okay. We are now not getting Thorn ANYTHING for Christmas AND his wedding."

Somebody then knocked on the door. Edmund answered it to Aldwin and the male Libras, who all had their cell phones out.

"Why does Thorn have our numbers?!"

"Because we all were stupid enough to go to Denny's with him," Edmund answered calmly.

"I'm still never going to let Thorn live that down," Locke commented. "We're never getting him anything for Christmas again."

* * *

><p>That evening, in Yukijima...<p>

"Well, it's been a long day, and we still haven't found Maeve," Nami said.

"Check the Sunny," Zoro suggested.

"We'll do it tomorrow!" Everyone else yelled.

* * *

><p>The next morning, in Old Viridian City...<p>

"It's today! It's today! It's today!"

"Maeve, wake up! We're leaving for the Yukijima Burning Man Hipster Christmas Festival!"

"_Sie sind das Essen und wir sind die Jäger_!"

Maeve opened the door to her hotel room, and she saw the Libras, all grinning.

"Okay," Maeve said in the voice of Augustus Waters.

"It's today..." Edmund said in a high-pitched voice. "I can't believe the Yukijima Burning Man Hipster Christmas Festival is today."

"Yes, Edmund, I know. You woke me up with your fanboying."

Aldwin exited his own room, rucksack over his back.

"You can never have enough fanboying when it comes to the Yukijima Burning Man Hipster Christmas Festival, the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival, the Yukijima Hipster Halloween/Day of the Dead/Belated Leif Ericsson Day Bash, the Yukijima Hipster Valentine's Day Festival Where it's Okay to Not be Sappy, and Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Folk Festival at Yukijima," Edmund explained. Upon mention of "Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Folk Festival at Yukijima", everyone shuddered. "Okay, I can stop fanboying about that last one."

Everyone grew silent.

"**Fact: 30% of the U.S. population visits the post office during the Christmas holidays**," Cube said.

* * *

><p>Later that afternoon, the Libras, Maeve, and Aldwin arrived at a Christmas village in the desert.<p>

"Oh, my God! Fuck yes! We're here!" Edmund yelled before running straight to the admission gates. Everyone else followed.

"Stella-Rondo, what's this festival like?" Maeve asked.

"One of the few good things about Yukijima, besides their art scene. Each party gets their own campground complete with a building for meals, spare bedrooms, a laundry room, and bathrooms. Did I mention that the bathrooms have showers? By that, I don't mean the showers they use at camp. I mean the really good showers with hot water, waterfall settings, and Japanese-styled hot springs. They also give you those soaps, shampoos, conditioners, lotions, and bathrobes like in those hotels," Stella-Rondo explained.

"_Note to self - Steal the soaps, shampoos, conditioners, and lotions, and hoard them until the apocalypse starts and Desmond York returns from the dead as the  
>supreme ruler of the world. Then, I can sell those supplies to the survivors of the demon apocalypse for really high prices. Thug life, here I come,<em>" Maeve thought to herself. A few feet away...

"So, this is a Christmas village?" Aldwin asked Kazura and Yukari.

"Yeah. The campsites surround a village of shops, restaurants, movie theaters, art galleries, and the apartments where the chefs, security, event coordinators, cleaning crews, catering crews, musicians, high-profile artists, and other celebrities stay," Kazura explained.

"So, what do they do with the Christmas village when it's not Christmas?" Aldwin asked.

"The chefs, security, event coordinators, cleaning crews, catering crews, and their families live there normally. I heard they have a community theater, sports teams, and a town marching band," Yukari answered.

"That sounds fun," Aldwin said as they approached the turnstiles for the event.

"People with bags need to go to the left! People without bags go to the right!"

Aldwin turned to Maeve.

"And so, our adventures as hipsters begin," Aldwin remarked.

* * *

><p>Later that night, the Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve were having a huge feast of Chinese takeout.<p>

"**Fact: The tradition of a Doctor Who Christmas special actually started with David Tennant's Doctor,**" Cube said.

"I told you, Aldwin! The Doctor Who Christmas specials totally did NOT start when Doctor Who first started! Pay me now!" Jin-Mao yelled from across the table. Everyone but Aldwin and Maeve then passed one dollar bills to Jin-Mao.

"Why are you giving Jin-Mao money?" Aldwin asked.

"No fair! Give me money!" Maeve yelled.

"Festival tradition dictates that we all pay whoever wins a bet," Edmund explained. "Because you and Aldwin are new to this, we won't hold it against you or force you to give up a dollar."

Everyone grew silent.

"I bet that Stella-Rondo will be next to make a correct bet," Jodie predicted.

"Jodie, no!" Everyone else (but Stella-Rondo) yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>Intermission<strong>

Mason watched from a distance as a giraffe (who was actually Kaku in giraffe form) walk by.

"Uh-oh, here comes a giraffe! Ya'll know what that means - It's Zoobooks!" Mason yelled, throwing several Zoobooks into the air. "With Zoobooks, you can learn all about zebras and how they like to kick cheetahs in the heads."

In the background, Aleksandar accidentally kicked Lien in the head.

"I thought we were buddies!" Lien yelled in the background. Mason cringed.

"Bullet, you can stop filming now," Mason said into the camera.

**End Intermission**

* * *

><p>The next evening, Aldwin and Maeve explored the Christmas village.<p>

"**Fact: Due to the climate of the city, it is common for people in Los Angeles to wear shorts on Christmas Day**," Cube said.

"Woah, hey! You need to find some salt, call up Sam and Dean, and kill that Furby!"

Aokiji, who was on a Segway, approached Maeve and Aldwin.

"Afternoon, officer," Maeve said. "What brings you to this Christmas village?"

"_Please don't be looking for us because we ditched Thorn and A.A.A.'s wedding,_" Aldwin thought to himself.

"I'm event security. I hope you are not drinking, I hope you did not bring drugs into this event, I hope you don't plan to assault people in any way, I hope you don't murder somebody, and I hope you keep off of the grass. Have a nice day," Aokiji said before he Segway-ed off.

"So, Maeve, you can go back to the camp. The Libras went ice skating, and I need to make some calls to Anton - I mean, Mirajane - I mean, I am totally not shopping for you," Aldwin said. Maeve patted Aldwin on the back.

"Pick up the milk and bread for me," Maeve said before she began to walk back to the camp.

"I have a weird feeling about this. Are you sure you want to go back to the campsite alone?" Aoi asked Maeve.

"I have you guys. I'm not alone," Maeve said as they entered the Libras' campsite. "Besides, what can possibly go wrong?"

"Everything and anything," Bullet said.

"Did somebody say 'what can possibly go wrong'?"

Thorn then jumped out of nowhere.

"What the [Aldwin's Scooby Doo boxers]?!" Maeve cried. "Why the [My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark] are you doing here?!"

"I've come to take you back to Yukijima. You were supposed to attend my wedding," Thorn explained.

"Fuck you! Maeve's a hipster now! She doesn't have to listen to The Man!" Jodie yelled.

"Go away, Thorn. Nobody likes you," Aoi said cooly. Maeve said nothing as she raised a fist.

"For Narnia!" Maeve yelled as she punched Thorn in the face, knocking him out.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, after Thorn was locked in a closet, Maeve stood outside, waiting for everyone.<p>

"**Fact: To find an actually funny joke in a British Christmas cracker would be considered disappointing and may actually ruin somebody's Christmas**," Cube said.

"Yep! It's like Thorn's the actually funny joke and this festival is the British Christmas cracker," Maeve remarked. "I just wonder how the Libras are going to react now that Thorn crashed the festival to bring us back to Yukijima."

"Maeve, we're back! How was Christmas shopping?"

The Libras and Aldwin then arrived at the campsite. Maeve jumped up in shock.

"Hipsters!" Maeve yelled.

"Maeve!" Kazura yelled.

"Maeve!" Aldwin yelled.

"Hipsters!" Aoi yelled.

"Hipsters!" Maeve yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"Thorn!"

Thorn approached the group.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Edmund asked darkly.

"I've come to take you back to Yukijima. You can't miss my wedding, you know," Thorn said.

"What the [Pokémon bear claws], man?! I thought I locked you in a closet!" Maeve cried.

"I came out of the closet," Thorn said. The Libras said nothing as they got their weapons out.

"You have sixty seconds to run," Edmund said darkly. Thorn stepped back as the Libras, Maeve, and Aldwin stepped foward.

"Ooh! I'm telling Patrick, Dane, Hugh, and Alistair!" Thorn yelled before he ran off like a coward. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Wait... Meggie's brothers are here?" Maeve asked. Edmund said nothing as he turned to face the Libras.

"Everybody... We are leaving this festival tomorrow. It is clear that A.A.A. has established a search party and is looking for us. If we stay any longer, we could all be caught and get punished," Edmund explained. Everyone groaned. "It's for our own good. Do you want to become prostitutes like the Capricorns?"

The Libras screamed.

"I don't want to be a prostitute! I'm too obscure for that!" Yukari cried. Kazura raised his hand.

"Wait! Where are we going?!" Kazura asked.

"We could try Afro Circus. Or, we could heard northeast and hide in Asgard or Rooster Teeth City," Edmund said.

"They'd catch us if we went to Afro Circus or Asgard. We have to go somewhere else," Stella-Rondo said.

"But if we go any further than Asgard, we'd either hit the border between All About Halifax and Axis Powers Hetalia, or we'd be forced to go further East until we hit New New New York City, which is thousands of miles away," Edmund explained.

"How about New France?" Leon suggested.

"No. The last time we were there, we got kicked out of your own house for mentioning Emporio Ivankov," Edmund answered.

"No, Edmund, Leon has a point - His parents and Louis don't know about A.A.A. and Thorn's wedding, so they could offer us safety until it's time to leave Yukijima," Maeve explained.

"Yeah. That could work," Edmund said, stroking his chin.

"What about Leon's brother, Louis? He tried to kill us the last time we saw him," Miller asked.

"He's with Saint Sarutobi II and his wife in 221B Baker Street. We'll be fine," Leon explained. Miller sighed.

"If you say so," Miller said. Everyone grew silent.

"**Fact: Humphrey Bogart died on Christmas Day, 1957,**" Cube said.

"Intermission time!" Jodie yelled, allowing the authoress to segue into the next intermission.

"We just had an intermission! Is this necessary?!" Edmund asked.

* * *

><p><strong>Intermission<strong>

The Geminis sat in a McDonald's, wondering why the Authoress is suddenly focusing on them.

"Okay, who suggested McDonald's?" Jack asked everyone. Pomponia stood up and raised her hand.

"That was me," Pomponia said.

"Sit the fuck down," Linus demanded.

"Shut the hell up!" Percy yelled. Then, the Geminis all began to fight, Jerry Springer-style. Except Greta and Arvin, because Greta and Arvin are the Authoress' favorite Geminis.

"Hooray?" Arvin asked.

**End Intermission**

* * *

><p>The next afternoon, the Libras, Maeve, and Aldwin arrived in New France.<p>

"Aldy, sing the song!" Maeve said.

"What song?" Aldwin asked.

"The New France song from Spatula Madness!" Maeve answered.

"I don't know that song. Ask Leon to sing it since he's French," Aldwin said.

"I don't know that song. Ask the Libras, since it sounds like an obscure song only they know about," Leon said. The hipsters grew silent.

"I don't watch Happy Tree Friends," Kazura stated.

"Anyway... Where are we going to stay?" Aoi asked. The next thing anybody knew, it was the next morning, and they were all waking up in the Richard household after spending the night at Leon's house.

"So far, so good," Aldwin said to himself.

"Dat crepe," Jodie said before stealing Aldwin's crepe and eating it.

"Jodie, cut that out. You know the Revolutionaries like Dragon and Ivankov are watching," Aoi said. Upon mention of Ivankov, Leon's okama father stood up.

"Bitch, the fuck you say?!" Leon's okama father yelled.

"I just told Jodie that the Revolutionaries could be watching us," Aoi said.

"Did you just mention Ivankov?!" Leon's okama father yelled.

"No," Aoi said. Everyone grew silent.

"Okay, carry on," Leon's okama father said, going back to his morning paper. Everyone grew silent.

"**Fact: Emporio Ivankov was the first prisoner to celebrate Christmas in the entire history of Impel Down,**" Cube said. Leon's okama father then stood up, ripped the tablecloth off of the table, and flipped the table over.

"Alright, all of you get out of my house RIGHT NOW! I don't care that people are looking for you! If those people are looking for you, they're also looking for my Italian tires!" Leon's okama father ranted. "But, that's not the point - Last time, we agreed to never speak of Emporio Ivankov in this house! You broke this agreement, so I have to kick all of you out! Do I make myself clear?"

Everyone grew silent.

"_Sie sind das Essen und wir sind die Jäger_!"

Everyone sweatdropped as Jin-Mao slowly pulled his phone out.

"I'll call you back," Jin-Mao said before he hung up. "Fucking telemarketers..."

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve arrived in House Tully of Riverrun.<p>

"So, where are we staying?" Aldwin asked everyone. "And, do not say Ivankov's hotel."

"Did somebody say 'Ivankov's hotel'?"

Ivankov then popped up. Leon kicked Ivankov in the balls.

"Stop getting us kicked out of my house!" Leon yelled.

"Why?! Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!" Ivankov yelled.

"**Fact: The U.S. Postal Service sells approximately 1.3 billion holiday stamps each year,**" Cube said.

"What do you want, Emporio? We made it clear that we hate you," Bullet asked.

"You must be looking for a place to stay. Tomorrow IS Christmas Eve, you know," Ivankov answered.

"It's Christmas Eve already?!" Maeve, Aldwin, and the Libras asked. The next thing they knew, they were at Ivankov's hotel and casino, Newkama Land Hotel and Casino.

"We told you - We don't want to stay here," Kazura pointed out.

"All the other hotels were booked for the Christmas holidays. Even the Super 8 that got shut down last month due several health code violations," Ivankov explained.

"I'd rather stay at the Super 8 and risk my life than stay at your hotel," Leon muttered.

"Anyway... You all get a free stay at the hotel for the night, on one condition," Ivankov explained.

"If it involves BDSM, I'm walking out and I'm bringing my hipsters with me," Maeve said.

"Actually, it does not involve BDSM. You have to put on my new play," Ivankov explained.

"No, I am not going to be in a play production of _Fifty Shades of Grey_," Edmund stated.

"It has nothing to do with sex!" Ivankov yelled. "It's an adaptation of _Dream of the Red Chamber_."

The Libras, Maeve, and Aldwin grew silent.

"Are you sure 'Red Chamber' isn't a euphemism for anything?" Maeve asked. Edmund sighed.

"No, Maeve. _Dream of the Red Chamber _is a classic novel from China, and its super long and has dozens of characters," Edmund explained. "Oh, and almost all of those characters end up either dead or ruined, FYI."

"So, we're basically putting on a play version of Game of Thrones?" Jin-Mao asked.

"No, we're not. We're putting on a play about rich people in 1700's China," Edmund explained. "Although, it does have Game of Thrones vibes."

"Game of Thrones vibes? I can handle that," Mason asked.

"You'll be putting on the play tonight. Happy play performing!" Ivankov said before he wandered off. The group of hipsters grew silent.

"**Fact: The top Christmas tree-producing states are Oregon, Washington, Wisconsin, Michigan, North Carolina, and Pennsylvania**," Cube said.

"Well, what are we standing around for? We have a play to put on!" Edmund yelled. With Edmund's words, a montage of the Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve doing play preparation stuff to the Decemberists song _16 Military Wives _began. Unfortunately, the Authoress was too lazy to describe what they were doing, so she decided to use this part to transition to the next scene.

* * *

><p>That night, the Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve were ready to perform <em>Dream of the Red Chamber<em>. Since nobody really bothered to make any costumes, everyone was in their street clothes.

"Friendly reminder that there are only three people who only get one role each - Daiyu, Jin-Mao, and Lien. Daiyu and Lien, because they both play characters in the book who have the same names as them, and Jin-Mao because he plays the love interest," Edmund explained.

"Who do we play?" Everyone but Edmund, Lien, Daiyu, and Jin-Mao asked.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it," Edmund answered. "Now, let's go out there and do play stuff!"

With Edmund's word, Jin-Mao took the stage. Then, somebody began to play piano.

"_People hug and give each other kisses  
>Holding hands and walking side by side<br>But, every time I try to charm a lady she runs away..._

_What am I doing wrong?  
>Is it the dubstep in my song, when I go <em>-" Jin-Mao sang.

"Wait... Dubstep?!" Edmund whispered to Miller before a bass dropped and dubstep began to play.

"Not my idea," Miller said with a shrug. "I don't get the idea of dubstep."

* * *

><p>Several hours later, the play was drawing to an end.<p>

"_Take your canvas bags, take your canvas bags, take your canvas bags to the supermarket!_" The Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve sang, wrapping up a crazy play that shall not be discussed in more detail. Everyone cheered as the actors took a bow.

"_Sie sind das Essen und wir sind die Jäger_!"

With Jin-Mao's phone going off, everyone but Maeve left the stage.

"Buy local! Arcade Fire is not a sell-out band! Put a bird on it! Punk's not dead! Ren Yamihoshi is not a supporter of your local chapter of the Illuminati! Thank you! I do three shows a night!" Maeve yelled before she joined everyone backstage.

"Alright, alright," Ivankov said. "The play was a success. Now, the question is - How long are you staying here?"

"Just for the night. We're leaving for 221B Baker Street tomorrow," Kazura explained. Ivankov pouted.

"Stay with me!" Ivankov yelled as the Libras, Maeve, and Aldwin walked away.

"At least we got a free night at a hotel," Edmund commented.

"I had to die ten times in the play in order to earn my free stay," Yukari commented.

"I played some dude who had the same name as me!" Lien said.

* * *

><p>The next day, it was Christmas Eve. For many people, that meant Christmas cheer. For the Straw Hats, Capricorns, Aries, Geminis, Aquariuses, Tauruses, Leos, Scorpios, Sagittariuses, and other people in A.A.A. and Thorn's wedding party, it meant attending their rehearsal dinner that night.<p>

"Thorn, should we invite Hans, Gretl, Mara, Cordelia, Petra, Tefar, Lyudmila, and Win?" A.A.A. asked.

"You mean those German kids, the farmer, the girl with the Southern accent, those other three I'm too lazy to give descriptions for, and that Aldwin look-a-like who are the Authoress' Dangan Ronpa OCs? This is One Piece, not Dangan Ronpa!" Thorn yelled. "Plus, I hate Win. He's a poser. He's not a TRUE Super High-School Level Music Blogger."

* * *

><p>Somewhere in the Dangan Ronpa world, a hipster - I mean, Super High-School Level Music Blogger - by the name of Win Allen-York began to cry for no reason.<p>

"Not again," Mara Wilkerson, the Super High School-Level Farmer, said.

* * *

><p>Back in Yukijima...<p>

"How have we gone this long without learning some horrible truth in regards to this island?!" Ren asked everyone.

"Ren, stop being a conspiracy theorist and enjoy the shrimp," Basil said before he threw a shrimp shell at Heathcliffe. Before Heathcliffe could retaliate, A.A.A. cleared her throat.

"I have an announcement to make regarding the reception tomorrow," A.A.A. announced. "During the wedding and the reception, we will have a bachelor and bachelorette auction."

Everyone began to talk amongst themselves.

"Interesting..." Linus commented as he reached for his wallet to see how much money he had so he could buy a bachelorette.

"Here it goes..." Ren said under her breath.

"However, only the Capricorns are going to be auctioned off," A.A.A. said. "I lost another bet to Hancock, and I have to auction them off as sex slaves to Yukjima's most wealthy and luxurious brothels. I hope you don't mind the schedule change."

Everyone grew silent.

"Can I have permission to use the Leos' catchphrase?" Yuki-Rin asked.

"Go ahead," Leo said.

"I've made a huge mistake."

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Straw Hats ran back to their hotel.<p>

"Guys... Maeve was right. We shouldn't have supported A.A.A. and Thorn," Nami said.

"Yeah, but because we didn't believe her, she ran away," Zoro said.

"I think we need to call Maeve and tell her what happened. Maybe she can get here by tonight or tomorrow if she's nearby," Usopp said.

"What about the Libras and Aldwin-san?" Robin asked.

"We'll cross the bridge regarding Maeve's emo friend and the hipsters later," Sanji said as Nami began dialing a number on the hotel phone.

"Maeve? It's me, Nami? Listen, you were right, and we should've believed you. A.A.A. is using her wedding to sell the Capricorns into sexual slavery because she acquired another debt she has to pay Hancock. You need to come to Yukijima as soon as you can. If you know where Aldwin and/or the Libras are, bring them. They need to help us save the Capricorns," Nami explained before she hung up.

"Did she... Answer?" Franky asked.

"No. I wonder if she's still mad at us because we didn't believe her," Nami answered.

* * *

><p>At Saint Sarutobi II's house in 221B Baker Street, Maeve was listening to the message Nami left on her cell phone.<p>

"I leave to pick up pizza with Kazura, and Nami calls me?" Maeve asked her personalities. "See, guys? I was right. Bad things were going to happen if we supported A.A.A. and Thorn's wedding."

"We believed you from the start, Maeve," Aoi said.

"How are we going to break the news to everyone else?" Bullet asked as he motioned outside, where the Libras were having a Christmas party outside. Maeve shrugged.

"I'll tell them after this viral video," Maeve said before she played a video on her iPhone.

_Tell me, have you seen the marvelous Breadfish  
>Swimming in the ocean waters?<br>Have you seen the marvelous Breadfish?  
>It's like an inverse sandwich<br>An awe for fisherman and sharks_

Aoi, Jodie, Bullet, Cube, and Leon sweatdropped.

"**Fact: Christmas Day is the least favored day for couples to break up,**" Cube said.

"_Sie sind das Essen und wir sind die Jäger_!"

Everyone turned to Maeve.

"That is your cue to talk to them about the wedding," Aoi said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Maeve went out into the backyard, where the Libras were holding their Christmas party.<p>

"_I don't want to hear you _- " Mason sang.

"_Kick me out! Kick me out!_" The Libras chanted.

"QUIET!" Maeve yelled. Everyone grew silent. "I have an announcement I need to make."

"Yep! The Secret Santa is about to begin!" Aldwin said. Maeve grew silent.

"Yes. The Secret Santa," Maeve said emotionlessly. A few minutes later, after all of the Secret Santa gifts were unwrapped...

"There is no way in Hell that this is from Mason!" Edmund yelled, waving a limited-edition copy of _Wuthering Heights _into the air.

"And there is no way in Hell that Maeve got me this!" Mason yelled, waving a jack-in-the-box in the air. Then, everyone began shouting loudly until the sounds of police sirens cut them off.

"_Linton Channing Pettyfer Magic Mike Sarutobi II, come out now! We have received several reports of noise pollution and disturbing the peace, and they're coming from your house!_"

"Oh, shit! Somebody called the cops on us! Libras, scatter!" Edmund yelled before everyone but Aldwin and Maeve ran off. The two grew silent.

"**Fact: The Libra Pirates have just been nominated for the Guiness World Record of 'Fastest Amount of Time it Took for a Group of Hipsters to Scatter When the Cops Shut Down Their Christmas Party,**" Cube said.

"That's not a real fact," Aldwin pointed out as Louis approached them from behind, a knife in his sock monkey hands.

"Give me your hipsters, and nobody gets hurt," Louis threatened as Coby and Helmeppo entered the backyard.

"Louis did it! He was trying to kill us!" Maeve and Aldwin shouted before they ran off. Coby and Helmeppo sweatdropped before they put Louis in handcuffs.

* * *

><p>The next morning, it was Christmas. And the Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve spent Christmas morning unwrapping their presents.<p>

"Ugly sweaters!" Yukari yelled as she unwrapped a present of ugly sweaters with ponies on them from Edmund.

"Ironic T-shirts!" Kazura yelled as he unwrapped an ironic T-shirt with Grumpy Cat on it from Jin-Mao.

"Flower crowns!" Amelia yelled as she unwrapped a pack of fake flower crowns from Bridey.

"Skinny jeans!" Mason yelled as he unwrapped some skinny jeans from Aurelia.

"Vintage Chucks!" Edmund yelled as he unwrapped a pair of Converse high-tops from Rhett.

"Flannel shirts!" Miller yelled as he unwrapped some flannel shirts from Kazura.

"Is this how a typical Christmas morning is with these people?" Maeve whispered to Aldwin.

"I don't know," Aldwin answered as the Libras finished unwrapping their gifts.

"Now's your chance," Jodie whispered. Maeve cleared her throat.

"Guys, I have some bad news," Maeve announced. The Libras grew silent.

"_Sie sind das Essen und wir sind die Jäger_!"

Jin-Mao said nothing as he put his phone on silent.

"Let me guess - The Capricorns sent us presents?" Kazura asked.

"No, it's much worse," Maeve said. "You know how A.A.A. and Thorn's wedding is today, right? Well... The Straw Hats called me last night, and they told me that A.A.A. is going use her wedding to sell the Capricorns to a brothel because she owes another debt to Hancock."

The Libras grew deathly silent.

"Not. Fucking. Again," Edmund said darkly. "It. Happens. Every. Fucking. Time. We Go. To. Yukijima."

"Well, that just ruined Christmas," Kipton said.

"Next year, we're going to celebrate Christmas in International Waters!" Mason yelled, kicking an empty box over. Aldwin sighed.

"Looks like we have no choice but to rescue them again," Aldwin said. "Or else Yukari, Kazura, Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, Bridey, Locke, Aurelia, Pearl, Lien, Aleksandar, and Mason could become walking contradictions if some of the Capricorns get pregnant with one of their clients."

Everyone grew silent.

"Contradictions taste good," Maeve said, pulling out a pack of Starburst candies.

"Go sit in the corner," Edmund said sternly.

* * *

><p>About an hour later, the Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve were preparing to leave for Yukijima.<p>

"Leaving already? I made banana pancakes like that one Jack Johnson song," Mrs. Sarutobi asked.

"Jack Johnson is too mainstream. I prefer Thao and the Get Down Stay Down. I'm sure you've never heard of them. NOBODY'S heard of Thao and the Get Down Stay Down," Kazura explained. Saint Sarutobi II sighed.

"Kids today and their Justin Cyruses and Miley Biebers..." Saint Sarutobi II commented.

"We hate Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber," All of the Libras said. A Styrofoam wrecking ball then knocked Leon to the ground, and Louis was riding the wrecking ball. Louis kept his clothes on, because a sock monkey assassin is classier than Miley Cyrus.

"_I came in like a wrecking ball!_" Louis sang as he swung around on the wrecking ball. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"**Fact: Irving Berlin's single _White Christmas_ is thought to be the best-selling single of all time, grossing over 100 million sales**," Cube said.

* * *

><p>That evening, the Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve arrived in Yukijima.<p>

"Where would A.A.A. and Thorn hold a wedding?" Yukari asked everyone.

"Probably the Ritz, because it's so fucking fancy," Mason said.

"I'd have to go with a church," Aldwin answered.

"For a wedding that also acts as selling the Capricorns into a brothel? No!" Edmund answered. Everyone looked to Maeve, who was on her iPhone.

"Really? I should've asked you last night. Thanks, Other Mason. Hope you and the Careers are having fun in Dressrosa. Merry Christmas," Maeve said before she hung up. "That was the Other Mason."

"Who's the other Mason?" Mason asked.

"Remember our adventures with the Party Wagon? That was Career Sadist Mason. I called him and the Careers, and they told me that A.A.A. would hold her wedding at Hancock's nightclub/brothel," Maeve explained. "Of course, the Careers can't help us because they're thousands of miles away."

"Oh, yeah! That was the Mason who wanted to torture everyone!" Mason said. "I'm surprised that you still have his number."

"I still have the numbers for Ashley, the rest of the Careers, the Pantless Pirates, and Andy," Maeve explained. "We're discussing the possibility of having a Party Wagon reunion this summer."

The Libras and Aldwin glared at Maeve.

"We'll allow it if it means that we don't get to go to Yukijima," Kazura explained.

* * *

><p>That night, inside of Hancock's nightclubbrothel, A.A.A. and Thorn were getting married.

"Do you, A.A.A., take Thorn Sarutobi to be your lawfully-wedded husband?" Kuma, the person who was officiating the ceremony, asked A.A.A.

"I do," A.A.A. said.

"And, do you, Thorn Sarutobi, take A.A.A. to be your lawfully-wedded wife?" Kuma asked Thorn.

"I do," Thorn said.

"Now, is there anybody who objects to this union?" Kuma asked.

"_Sie sind das Essen und wir sind die Jäger_!"

The Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve entered the nightclub/brothel. Unlike everyone else in the wedding, who wore formal attire, the Libras, Aldwin, and Maeve stood out in their casual clothing.

"A.A.A., you'd better not make the Capricorns into prostitutes AGAIN!" Maeve yelled. A.A.A. rolled her eyes like a teenaged girl.

"Of course, you, the emo demon, and the hipsters ruin my plans," A.A.A. said. Kuma sweatdropped.

"Alright... Is there anybody else who objects to this union?" Kuma asked. Everyone in the wedding party stood up.

"All of us are!" The Straw Hats, Capricorns, Aries, Geminis, Leos, Scorpios, Aquariuses, Taurusues, and Sagittariuses yelled. Kuma shrugged.

"Alright. This marriage is off. There will be no wedding," Kuma said. Everyone grew deathly silent.

"**Fact: Christmas purchases represent 1/6th of retail sales,**" Cube said.

"I will murder you!" A.A.A. yelled. Maeve, the Straw Hats, the Capricorns, Aldwin, and the Libras stepped forward.

"Maeve and her nakama had a good reason to break you two up!" Luffy yelled.

"Why did we even support your marriage anyway?!" Nami asked.

"Thorn doesn't deserve to get married!" Zoro yelled.

"Even I had success with a girl, even though it's a lie!" Usopp yelled.

"A.A.A.-chawn DOESN'T want the D!" Sanji yelled.

"You're a meanie, Thorn!" Chopper yelled.

"I knew you would prostitute the Capricorns, Triple A-san," Robin said.

"Your marriage is NOT super!" Franky yelled.

"I have a bone to pick with you, Thorn. But, I am a skeleton - I am all bones," Brook explained. "Yohohohohoho! Skull Joke!"

"There's a reason why we no longer trust you two," Yuki-Rin explained.

"You are a scuzzy fecker, Thorn Sarutobi!" Molly yelled.

"The both of you can go to Hell for pulling a fast one on us!" Heathcliffe yelled.

"There's a reason why you're the worst Sarutobi!" Locke yelled to Thorn.

"This is one of the few times I actually agree with the Capricorns - The both of you are terrible people," Edmund explained.

"I hope the both of you learn your lesson tonight," Miller said.

"Can we just have you arrested already, A.A.A.?!" Kazura asked.

"Stop doing this to Sarutobi-kun!" Aki sobbed.

"A.A.A., I think you need to stop seeing Hancock! She enables you to do these stupid things!" Aldwin yelled.

"It's because of you that I had to leave my crew!" Maeve yelled.

"**Fact: It took Christopher Nolan over a decade to write the final script for the movie _Inception_**," Cube said. The Capricorns, Libras, and Straw Hats raised their weapons.

"For Christmas!"

* * *

><p>A week later, it was New Year's Eve, and Nami was on the next island telling the story of the Christmas on Yukijima to Cavendish.<p>

"...So, A.A.A. and Thorn broke up the next day, and Maeve re-joined the crew. After that, we had a happy holiday on Yukijima," Nami explained, finishing her story.

"Wow. If A.A.A. and Thorn DID marry, that would be so horrible," Cavendish commented. Like always, he had the voice of Shay Van Buren from The Most Popular Girls in School.

"Be glad we stopped it," Nami said. Then, she woke up in a hotel room. "Wait... Where am I?"

"Surprise! Merry Christmas!"

"_Sie sind das Essen und wir sind die Jäger_!"

The Capricorns, Libras, and Straw Hats jumped out of nowhere.

"What the heck is going on?!" Nami yelled.

"Oh. We decided to go to Yukijima for Christmas," Maeve said casually. Nami screamed.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>"Bitch, don't make me go all Llamas With Hats on you! I understand that you want to get into Yukari's pants, but don't you dare threaten me like that! I have Bronchitis! Ain't nobody got time for that!"

**(2) - **Greg Ayres is my dream voice actor for Sawyer (and Terrance and Jin-Mao).

**(3) - **"Molto bene" = "Very good" in Italian.

**(4) - **If you want to know what Maeve is talking about, read the 100th chapter of **The DysFUNctional Pirates**.

**Anyway, we've had a great end to our Christmas crack this year, but, alas, it must come to an end. Regular updates for The DysFUNctional Pirates will resume around New Year's. Until then, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!**


	23. A Very Merry In Argo Christmas

**Author's Note: **It's the most wonderful time of the year, folks! It's when I get to update this fanfiction again from now until Christmas! Welcome to year four of**The DysFUNctional Christmas**!

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. Walkman355 owns Cooro.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal Christmas Eve as the Virgos did Christmas stuff.<p>

"...And that's why I don't like to watch the movie _Inception _during Christmas time," Gareth said. "I like watching it during Halloween now."

"So you can dream about how much it must suck to be in that movie?" Isabella asked. "Or do you?"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"Who wants Christmas cookies?" Hettienne asked everyone.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Libras were having an ugly, ironic, hipster, Christmas sweater party.<p>

"I think it's safe to say that we outdid ourselves with the sweaters this year," Kazura said.

"Why does Alto's sweater have a marijuana leaf on it?" Yukari asked as she motioned to Alto, who was wearing a sweater in Rastafarian colors with a green marijuana leaf on the front.

"Because marijuana has medicinal purposes, Yukari," Alto answered.

"And how come Daruma isn't wearing a sweater?" Fernando asked, motioning to a shirtless Daruma.

"I burned my sweaters," Daruma answered bluntly.

"Well, I guess it's time for the Secret Santa," Kazura said nervously.

"This goes out to whoever is my Secret Santa this year - If you did not get me Duvalin, then I am going to fucking murder you. Comprende, puta?" Fernando asked.

"I'm sorry, but what did you just call us?" Locke asked.

"Bitches," Fernando answered.

"We're going to have some serious problems," Locke said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at a janky casino, Seven, Jax, and Zander were eating Christmas dinner at a buffet.<p>

"You told me were were going to Red Lobster!" Zander yelled.

"They serve lobster here," Seven answered. "Also, where's Cooro?"

"Right here, fifteen minutes later with Starbucks, as usual."

Cooro then walked over to the table and sat down, drink from Starbucks in his hands.

"Cooro, my man. What's good?" Jax asked as he and Cooro did some sort of secret handshake.

"My entire crew is drunk, so I came here," Cooro said. "It was okay for a while, but then I knew I had to leave when Matthew began to do an Irish jig."

Everyone laughed.

"But on a more serious note, the Capricorns are trying to use Christmas as an excuse to kill us," Cooro said in all seriousness. Everyone grew silent.

"That's not funny!" Zander yelled.

"No, Zander, it's not," Cooro answered. "They're targeting the Virgos, Libras, and us. I don't know why they left the Eagle Islanders alone. Maybe the Capricorns don't like the show Parks and Rec."

* * *

><p>On board the Pawnee Commons, Lydia sneezed.<p>

"Holy mother of Eren! And Mikasa! Somebody mentioned me!" Lydia yelled.

* * *

><p>"So, now what?" Seven asked.<p>

"We have to warn everyone, obviously," Cooro said. "But first, who wants to play some Texas Hold 'Em?"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Libras decided to go caroling.<p>

"Surprise, bitch!" Chopper yelled as he jumped out from behind a fence. "Bet you thought you saw the last of me!"

The Libas sweatdropped.

"Hi, Chopper," Edmund said slowly. "What do you want?"

"I have a message for you," Chopper answered.

"And that is?" Kazura asked. Chopper cleared his throat.

"Kipton likes Stella-Rondo!" Chopper shouted.

"I'm openly gay!" Kipton yelled.

"Amelia likes Stella-Rondo!" Chopper shouted.

"She does not!" Bridey yelled back.

"Opal likes Stella-Rondo!" Chopper shouted.

"She does not!" Miller yelled.

"Yukari likes Stella-Rondo!" Chopper shouted.

"Nobody likes Stella-Rondo!" The Capricorns shouted.

"We like Stella-Rondo!" The Libras yelled back.

"You don't like Stella-Rondo!" The Capricorns yelled back.

"I like Stella-Rondo!" Stella-Rondo yelled.

"You're Stella-Rondo!" The Libras yelled.

"We don't like Stella-Rondo!" The Capricorns yelled.

"Stop putting down Stella-Rondo!" The Libras yelled.

"Shut the fuck up about Stella-Rondo already!" Chopper cried. Everyone grew silent.

"What are we supposed to do?" Kazura asked before his phone went off. He then answered it. "Hello? Wait? Where are you? Jail? The Capricorns? Don't ask questions? Sure. We'll do it. Bye."

Kazura then hung up.

"That was Cooro. He ended up in jail," Kazura announced. The Libras gasped.

"Oh, no! What happened?!" Yukari cried.

"He tried to kill one of the Capricorns," Kazura answered. The Libras grew silent.

"Wait, if Cooro tried to kill one of the Capricorns, does this mean the Capricorn in question has life-threatning injuries and may die?" Mason asked.

"There's only one way to find out," Kazura said. "Who wants to go to the hospital?!"

"I do! I do!" The Libras yelled.

"Shut the fuck up! Chopper has a fucking headache, you fucking dipshits!" Chopper yelled.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras arrived at the hospital.<p>

"Capricorn Pirates?" Dr. Kureha asked. "Sorry, they haven't been in this hospital tonight."

The Libras and Chopper then glared at Kazura.

"Kazura, you fucking son of a bitch!" Chopper yelled.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras, Virgos, Eagle Islanders, Jax, Seven, Zander, and the Straw Hats gathered on the Thousand Sunny.<p>

"Get the fuck off of my lawn!" Chopper yelled as he pointed one of Usopp's guns at the Virgos. Everyone sweatdropped.

"I have no idea what's going on," Gaerik said. "Why is Chopper cussing so much?"

"The real question you should be asking is why we're all here on Christmas Eve," Nami pointed out.

"**Fact: The tradition where people go to a Chinese restaurant for Christmas originated from _A Christmas Story_**," Cube said.

"That movie is too mainstream. Come Christmas morning, we're all going to be watching _Snowpiercer _with my crew."

Law then stepped out of the shadows.

"Law? You know about Cooro's arrest?" Nami asked.

"I know of it, Nami-ya," Law said sardonically. "Anyway, I can help you guys out. Libras because I'm good friends with them, Straw Hats because of Straw Hat-ya, Virgos because they always help each other, and I don't know everyone else. Except Zan-ya and Weintraub-ya since they're Shichibukai."

Zander then bitch-slapped Law.

"My name's not 'Zan'!" Zander yelled. "What am I?! A thirteen-year old anime kid?!"

Everyone else sweatdropped.

"So... Let's get down to business," Sanji said, adjusting his tie.

"To defeat the Huns known as the Capricorn Pirates!" Edmund yelled.

"Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?!" Lydia cried.

"Hey, guys, if you need a sweet tattoo right now, I can hook you guys up. I know Des wanted one of Walter White earlier," Jax said, holding up his tattoo needles.

"Shut up, Jax! You ruined our song parody!" Everyone else yelled.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the group made their way to the prison Cooro was at.<p>

"_Look down, look down, you're here until you die!_" The Libras, Virgos, Straw Hats, Eagle Islanders, Law, Jax, Seven, and Zander sang as they approached the prison.

"Oi! Stop singing songs from _Les Miserablés_! Inspector Javert is not on this crew!"

Everyone looked up, and they saw the Capricorns. Cooro was tied to a sleigh behind them.

"Let me guess - You paid Cooro's bail so you could kidnap him as revenge?" Kazura asked.

"No. We did the least logical thing by torturing and killing the guards and breaking Cooro out of prison," Yuki-Rin explained. "Now, we're going to torture and kill Cooro."

"Libras, fight the fairies!" Cooro yelled as the sleigh raced off. Everyone sweatdropped.

"I have Uno cards with me. This will take a while," Hadrian said, pulling a pack of cards from his sleeve. Sanji sighed.

"Guys, let's go get Cooro! It'll be a Christmas adventure!" Jin-Mao said to his crew.

"Adventure my ass! We'd die trying!" Edmund yelled.

"Why do you want to do this, Jin-Mao?! Are you on fucking crack?!" Stella-Rondo yelled. Jin-Mao smirked.

"I'm the hero!" Jin-Mao yelled in the voice of America from Axis Powers Hetalia.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras arrived at the Hyperion. Cooro and the Capricorns were nowhere to be found, but the sleigh used to transport Cooro was parked in front of the ship.<p>

"So... I guess we break in, right?" Hunter asked everyone.

"We can't do it!" Locke yelled. "Jin-Mao has the lighter fluid!"

"I - Jin-Mao, give me the lighter fluid!" Edmund yelled.

"I gave it to Mason!" Jin-Mao yelled, motioning to Mason. Mason was currently dousing the Capricorns' sled with lighter fluid.

"On second thought, don't give me the lighter fluid. Mason clearly wants to watch the world burn this Christmas," Edmund said. An explosion then sent the Libras to the ground. "Never mind. Mason, give me the lighter fluid."

"No! Fuck you, Edmund!" Mason yelled. The Libras said nothing as they got up and dusted themselves off.

"Now what do we do? If the Capricorns find us in this state, they'll obviously kill us," Rhett asked everyone. Edmund smiled.

"We go caroling," Edmund said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras were on the front door of the Doflamingo family and singing Christmas carols.<p>

"_She said, 'The Devil will want you back and you'll never find love in an open hand'. Shut your eyes, and you'll see under -_" The Libras sang before Doflamingo cut them off.

"Wait... I think I'm supposed to be dead during **In Argo**," Doflamingo said. "I shouldn't even be in this chapter."

The Libras sweatdropped as Doflamingo paused to drink from his bottle of Fireball whiskey.

"Go home, hipsters. I am fucking drunk," Doflamingo said before he closed the door on the Libras.

"You need fucking rehab!" Kazura yelled.

"Who needs rehab?"

The Libras turned around, and they saw Cooro.

"Cooro!" The Libras yelled before they gave Cooro a group hug.

"We thought you died!" Yukari yelled. "How did you escape the Capricorns?!"

"The Capricorns caught me?" Cooro asked slowly.

"Wait... What?" Kazura asked as they let go of Cooro.

"That was Fake Cooro. And before you ask, no, Fake Cooro is not the work of my Devil Fruit," Cooro explained. The Libras grew silent.

"Shit. We set the Capricorns' torture sleigh on fire," Mason said slowly.

"It's okay," Cooro said. "Do you guys want to grab some Denny's?"

"Of course," Edmund said as the Libras and Cooro walked off into the sunset, even though it was already nighttime.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Happy Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, and Cyber Monday to you all!<strong>


	24. The Elf on the Shelf

**Author's Note: **Don't you love it when Eichiiro Oda makes a character who has a name that has been featured prominently in various memes? I do.

Also, Soldier and Kyros are the same person.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny day in Dressrosa as Doflamingo worked at his toy factory.<p>

"Shut up! It was either this, or go to prison!" Doflamingo yelled to exactly nobody. Dellinger slowly turned to Baby 5.

"This happens every year," Dellinger commented.

"So does the screening of the movie _Inception_, and you don't see me complaining to thin air," Baby 5 commented.

"The Kardashians just love each other so much!" Doflamingo cried. Dellinger and Baby 5 sweatdropped.

"No, mommy! Only Daquan can hit it from the back!" Sugar yelled from another room.

"So... Why do the Kardashians love each other so much when they are a prime example of shallow, superficial, materialistic, and spoiled rich bitches?" Dellinger asked. Doflamingo picked up Solider (a.k.a. toy!Kyros) and handed him to Dellinger and Baby 5.

"Here. I made one of those Elf on the Shelf toys that are fucking useless," Doflamingo said.

"Why does Elf on the Shelf even exist?" Dellinger asked.

"They were high off their asses when they made it," Doflamingo answered.

"Who's 'they'?" Dellinger asked. Doflamingo then took Soldier from Dellinger's hands.

"The Tommy Wiseau fandom! Gosh!" Doflamingo yelled as he threw Soldier out of the nearest window. Everyone grew silent.

"Tommy Wiseau has his own fandom?" Dellinger asked everyone.

* * *

><p>Soldier landed on the deck of the Coachella, which was empty.<p>

"Hello?! Does anybody know the Japanese word for 'ambulance'?!" Soldier yelled.

"Miller, what is that?"

Charlotte and Miller then walked onto the deck.

"Why, golly! It's an Elf on the Shelf!" Miller said, picking up Soldier.

"Isn't this supposed to be Rebecca's father?" Charlotte asked Miller.

"Don't be silly. Rebecca's dad is Kyros," Miller answered.

"I know, but Doflamingo turned him into a toy, right?" Charlotte asked.

"For the last time, your name is 'Charlotte', not 'Trap Goddess Shawty'!" Soldier yelled.

"What the fuck?! It can talk?!" Charlotte yelled.

"_In December, drinking horchata! I'd look psychotic in a balaclava!_" Soldier sang.

"_Let's have some fun, this beat is sick. I wanna take a ride on your disco stick. Let's have some fun, this beat is sick. I wanna take a ride on your disco stick,_" Charlotte sang to Soldier.

"Charlotte! Goodness gracious!" Miller cried.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the rest of the Libras gathered to look at the Elf on the Shelf.<p>

"This toy is fucking useless. You promised me a GoPro camera," Hunter stated.

"We never promised you a GoPro," Daruma pointed out.

"Who the hell are you people?!" Soldier yelled. Kazura turned back to the Libras as if he were on The Office and was looking at the camera.

"That's Rebecca's dad, right?" Kazura asked.

"I think so," Yukari said slowly. Kazura turned back to Soldier.

"Kyros, where's Rebecca?" Kazura asked.

"Somewhere," Soldier answered.

"That doesn't tell us anything," Cassandra said from the back of the room.

* * *

><p>A few more minutes later, Soldier transformed back into Kyros, and was now giving the Libras a lecture, accompanied by a Powerpoint filled with pictures of a young Taylor Swift.<p>

"This is a picture of my daughter Becky, or, Rebecca, as you might know her. She used to be a happy, popular girl until one night, she snorted marijuana at a party. She died instantly. Please don't do marijuana. It's the most dangerous drug out there. Please don't wind up like Becky," Kyros pleaded. The Libras sweatdropped.

"I'm pretty sure that those are photos of Taylor Swift," Hunter said.

"You don't snort marijuana. You smoke it, or eat it in pot brownie form," Alto pointed out. "Also, marijuana is actually a very beneficial drug for various diseases such as cancer."

"No, it's Becky," Kyros insisted.

"Last time I checked, Rebecca is still alive," Kazura said.

"Also, Rebecca has pink hair," Stella-Rondo added.

"No, it's Becky!" Kyros yelled.

"Rebecca never goes by 'Becky'," Miller pointed out.

"I don't think Rebecca likes Taylor Swift. I know I don't like that useless twerp," Charlotte said.

"Rebecca's a gladiator. She can't do drugs," Locke pointed out.

"NO, IT'S BECKY!" Kyros shouted. The room grew silent. "I'm not a Krusty Krab."

"Kyros, that's the name of the restaurant from Spongebob Squarepants," Kazura said.

"This Christmas story makes no sense," Charlotte pointed out.

"Ditto," Zoro said from the ceiling. The Libras looked up and screamed. "What?! I got lost going from the deck on the Sunny to the other side of the deck on the Sunny!"

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, SoldierKyros, the Libras, and Zoro went looking for Rebecca.

"Rebecca? Rebecca? We can go to Chipotle later!" Locke yelled.

"Did somebody say 'Chipotle'?"

Rebecca then stepped out of the shadows. Solider then transformed into Kyros.

"I said a healthy snack, Rebecca!" Kyros yelled. Rebecca rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, dad," Rebecca said. "I like your scarf. It's sexy."

"It's not a sexy scarf, Rebecca!" Kyros yelled. The Libras sweatdropped.

"Kyros isn't even wearing a scarf," Kazura pointed out. "Plus, this doesn't have anything to do with Christmas."

"Good job. You're the only sane one here. You deserve a medal," Stella-Rondo said sarcastically. Rebecca's iPhone then went off.

"Whoops. I have to go to Sabo and Koala's Christmas party," Rebecca said.

"Rebecca, you call me right when you get there," Kyros warned. Rebecca sighed and rolled her eyes like a teenaged girl.

"Whatever, dad," Rebecca said.

"Don't you sass me, Rebecca!" Kyros yelled as Rebecca walked away. The Libras sweatdropped.

"Kazura's right. I have no idea what this has to do with Christmas. All it does is make me want Chipotle," Rhett explained.

"Because I am the Elf on the Shelf, and my Christmas wish was to see Rebecca," Kyros said. "My other Christmas wishes included getting a vocal cord transplant so I have the voice of Morgan Freeman, free food for life at all the Chevron gas stations, and for Rhett and Henrietta to get married in a shotgun wedding while the rest of their friends sing _Dancing Queen _by ABBA on a loop."

Everyone sweatdropped.

"I'm not going through with it," Rhett said.

"_You can dance! You can jive, oh! Having the time of your life! Ooh! See that girl, watch her swing! Digging the dancing queen!_" Charlotte, Stella-Rondo, Yukari, Amelia, Bridey, Kazura, Edmund, Miller, Hunter, and Mason sang.

"I don't get paid enough..." Kyros said to himself.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Kyros transformed back into Soldier and returned to Doflamingo.<p>

"Oh, Kyros-slash-Soldier, you're back," Doflamingo said. "You have to be the Elf on the Shelf again."

"For whom?" Soldier asked.

"The Luna Pirates," Doflamingo answered.

"Nottu disu shitto agen..." Soldier said to himself.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see more adventures from the Elf on the Shelf!<strong>


	25. The Gift of the Magi

**Author's Note: **Ah, yes, a parody of O Henry's _The Gift of the Magi _that takes place in a dystopian society where Zoro and Sanji are roommates, Chopper has a vulgar mouth, and Kanye West is apparently the dystopian nation's figurehead (in name only).

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, any Spice Girls song, or _The Gift of the Magi._**

* * *

><p>It was a beautiful morning in a post-apocalyptic, dystopian America, as Sanji and Zoro, two broke-ass bitches, decorated their shitty apartment for Christmas. They lived in a society where a they were put into a caste system based on which Spice Girl they were most like. Sanji was most like Posh Spice, but Zoro was most like Sporty Spice, so this was a no-no since people from different castes couldn't live together, marry each other, or talk to each other.<p>

Oh, and this dystopian society was ruled by Kanye West. In name only. It was actually ruled by Chopper, who chose Kanye West as a figurehead.

"This is the most ridiculous, dystopian fiction piece ever, and living with the Marimo makes it worse," Sanji said into the camera as if he were on The Office or Parks and Rec.

"Who decided that Kanye West would be our leader?" Zoro asked.

"I don't know, but we're too poor to afford Christmas this year," Sanji explained. "I spent all my money on gifts for the Libras, since I like the Libras."

"I hate you," Zoro said. "You like a bunch of hipsters more than your roommate you've teamed up with to dismantle this society and lead a new, Socalist republic."

Sanji sweatdropped.

"Anyway, what do you want for Christmas?" Sanji asked. Zoro flipped over the table.

"I already told you! I want to start a revolution against the bourgeois class so we can dismantle the system! Socialism works!" Zoro yelled. "Also, I want a Blu-Ray copy of the movie _Inception. _Not _Interstellar. Inception_. Do you understand?"

"Only if you help me do a flash mob to _Spice Up Your Life,_" Sanji said.

"Deal," Zoro said before he turned around and started to leave the apartment.

"Marimo, yo!" Sanji yelled. Zoro turned around. "_Yo, I'll tell you what you want, what you really, really want!_"

"I am going to murder you a thousand times!" Zoro yelled.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in the office of the evil dictator Tony Tony Chopper, Chopper was putting the Libra Pirates into their new castes, based on which Spice Girl they were like.<p>

"I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake!" Chopper rapped to himself. The Libras sweatdropped.

"Chopper, please don't say I'm like Scary Spice! I need to stay with my brother, who is just like Baby Spice!" Yukari sobbed.

"Yukari, don't worry. We all think the Spice Girls are too mainstream. We prefer Haim, remember?" Kazura asked.

"What the bloody hell did you say?!" Nigel and Kipton yelled. Kazura sighed.

"Oh, yeah. I forgot that you and Kipton are both British," Kazura said under his breath. A knock on the door was heard.

"This better be fucking important! Is the meadow on fire?!" Chopper yelled.

"It's Zoro! I need to see the Libras!"

Chopper rolled his eyes.

"If you bring down the caste system and ban the Spice Girls, then I am going to kick you in the nuts!" Chopper yelled to Zoro.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Sanji was shopping at the local K-mart for a Blu-Ray copy of <em>Inception<em>, when Nami, a salesperson at the store, approached Sanji.

"What's Wal-mart?" Nami asked. "Do they, like, sell walls there?"

"Then do you sell the letter K here?" Sanji asked.

"We sell Special K cereal, yes," Nami answered.

"Well... Do you have a Blu-Ray copy of the movie _Inception_?" Sanji asked.

"We're out of all Blu-Ray discs," Nami said. "All we have left is a VHS copy of _Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius_."

Sanji sweatdropped.

"It's 2014. Nobody uses VHS tapes anymore," Sanji said.

"Exactly," Nami said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Zoro and the Libras went to a secret location to discuss their plans - Burger King.<p>

"Oi, give me a hot dog," Zoro said to Keimi, the cashier.

"We don't sell hot dogs," Keimi said.

"Then make me a McDonald's pizza!" Zoro yelled. Keimi sweatdropped as the Libras chuckled.

"Those don't even exist," Keimi pointed out. "Sir - please forgive me for this question since by law we have to ask it -, are you on drugs?"

Zoro smirked.

"I'm on a drug called 'Charlie Sheen'. It's not available. If you try it once, then you will die. Your face will melt off, and children will weep over your exploded body," Zoro explained. Keimi turned to the camera a la The Office or Parks and Recreation.

"I don't get paid enough for this shit," Keimi said into the camera. She then turned back, where Mason and Stella-Rondo were standing in Zoro's place. "Welcome to Burger King, where you can have it your way. May I take your order?"

"WHOPPER!" Mason shouted. "WHOPPER! NO ONIONS!"

Stella-Rondo then mumbled something incoherent about chicken tenders.

"What? You wanted chicken tenders?" Keimi asked Stella-Rondo.

"Sweet sauce all over my body," Stella-Rondo said seductively. Keimi, Zoro, and the rest of the Libras sweatdropped.

"Yeah, I don't think we're going to get anything productive done right now," Charlotte said.

* * *

><p>Several hours later, Sanji returned home, Zoro's Blu-Ray copy of the movie <em>Inception <em>wrapped up.

"Marimo, you'd better not be passed out for no reason!" Sanji yelled as he turned to the television, which was gone. "What the [dolphin chirping]?!"

Sanji then picked up a note, which said the following:

**Dartboard Brow, **

**I sold the television so I could buy a pack of cigarettes for myself. And a meal at IHOP for the Libras. Denny's was closed, FYI.**

**Go fuck yourself.**

**- Zoro**

Sanji then opened the window and screamed.

"Fuck you, Marimo! Now we can't watch _Inception _because you wanted a pack of smokes! Fuck you, fuck the shitty _Inception _movie, and fuck your shitty smokes!" Sanji yelled.

"Wait... Why do you want me to have sex with a carton of cigarettes?"

Zoro then walked into the apartment.

"Because you sold the television, so we can't watch _Inception_!" Sanji yelled. Zoro facepalmed.

"I sold the television so I could help the Libras!" Zoro yelled.

"And I wasted my time getting you your shitty DVD, so now I'm not going to be a part of that shitty flash mob! Merry fucking Christmas!"

The sound of music then filled the apartment.

"Oi, Ero-Cook, look outside," Zoro commanded. Sanji looked outside, and he saw the Libras doing a song-and-dance routine to _Spice Up Your Life _by the Spice Girls.

"Incredible..." Sanji commented. "Maybe this dystopia isn't so shitty after all..."

On the ground, Chopper was watching the whole dance.

"I hate everything," Chopper commented.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see more AU fics from this awesome dystopian AU.<strong>


	26. The Late Christmas Party

**Author's Note: **What I should have done is purposely waited until Christmas was over to release this chapter. But, no. I published it a week before Christmas.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. Also, do not get a fake ID to buy booze.**

* * *

><p>It was two days before New Year's Eve, and the Libras were returning to their ship after spending the weekend at a huge music festival.<p>

"Oi, Zoro, thanks for doing this for us," Edmund said to Zoro, who had been house-sitting for the Libras the past, several days.

"Doing what? All I did was water your plants, feed the goat, and watch _Inception _on the T.V. in the living room," Zoro asked. Edmund said nothing as he handed a wad of cash to Zoro.

"Don't tell my dad that I stole money from his Swiss bank account," Edmund said. Zoro sweatdropped.

"Alright. Happy New Year," Zoro said before he left the ship.

"Wait... Did I hear that right?" Miller asked.

"The part about the Swiss bank account? Because I know a way we can pay dad back. Just let me call Nyx, and we'll -" Edmund said before Miller cut him off.

"I didn't mean that," Miller said. "Did Zoro just wish us a Happy New Year?"

Everyone grew silent.

"Wait... We missed Christmas?!" Jin-Mao cried.

"Christmas?!" Everyone else cried. Edmund said nothing as he ran over to the wall calendar and looked it over.

"Yep. We missed Christmas. It was never brought up at the music festival," Edmund said. "And it says here that we were supposed to throw a party."

"What?!" Everyone else cried.

"We'll just throw a party together tonight!" Bridey cried. "What's today's date?!"

"The 29th of December," Edmund said before he realized something else. "Wait... Nigel, it's your birthday today!"

"What the bloody hell?!" Nigel yelled. "I forgot my bloody birthday?!"

Charlotte sighed and rubbed her temples.

"We fucked up big-time," Charlotte said to herself. "How are we going to throw a party together?"

"I'll send out all the e-invites!" Edmund yelled.

"My sisters, my girlfriend, and I will make the guest list!" Rhett yelled.

"I can run down to Target and buy some snacks and drinks!" Charlotte yelled.

"I'll wrap presents for everyone!" Alton yelled.

"Fernando and I will cook whatever we can find! If not, then we're getting Bloaty's Pizza Hog to cater!" Otsubo yelled.

"I'll buy Nigel presents!" Kipton yelled.

"I'll get restraining orders out against the Capricorns!" Kazura yelled.

"I'll assemble gift bags!" Yukari yelled.

"I'll go get high in my room and wonder how we fucked up!" Alto yelled.

"I'll get my camera ready for tonight!" Flaemmchen yelled.

"I'll make Nigel a birthday cake!" Aurelia yelled.

"I'll murder the Capricorns if they come within five yards of our party!" Mason yelled.

"And I'll fix a cup of tea and get out of your business!" Nigel said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Charlotte, Miller, Ellis, and Jin-Mao arrived at Target.<p>

"So, I guess I can't get any candy, right?" Jin-Mao asked.

"You can get two candies for yourself," Charlotte said.

"Neat!" Jin-Mao said before he ran off. He returned a few seconds later with a giant container of gummy bears. "This counts as one, right?"

Miller, Charlotte, and Ellis sweatdropped.

"I guess," Charlotte answered.

* * *

><p>Back on the Coachella, the Abingdons and Henrietta were making the guest list and sending out e-invites.<p>

"Okay, Henrietta, who did you put on the guest list?" Edmund asked.

"The Straw Hats, the Virgos, the New Virgos, and the Lunas, like you said," Henrietta explained. "Also, who are Seven and Jax?"

"Some of the greatest people we know," Edmund said wistfully before he looked down at his laptop screen and grimaced. "Okay, who invited mom and dad?"

"Delete that. I think the spinny rainbow did it," Amelia said.

"What about Law and Bonney? They were at the festival too, so they missed Christmas," Bridey asked.

"Bridey, you're brilliant," Edmund said.

"I was thinking that we could invite Doflamingo, just for the hell of it," Rhett said.

"Rhett, you're on drugs. Doflamingo is the craziest person we know," Edmund said.

"You know what? Just invite Dellinger and Monet. They're fine," Amelia said.

"Amelia, I don't know where you're going with this, but this could end in tragedy," Edmund said.

"We should also invite the Revolutionaries. Because, you know, added security," Henrietta said.

"Henrietta, I'm so glad you're dating my younger brother," Edmund said. "Now, did we invite Cima? Annalease? Nikolai's bastard kids?"

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the (crappy) party started. The Virgos, Straw Hats, Lunas, New Virgos, Law, Bonney, Sabo, Koala, Monet, Dellinger, Smoker, Tashigi, Seven, Jax, Cima, and Annalease were the only ones in attendance.<p>

"Welcome to our Christmas party!" The Libras said to their guests.

"It's December 29th! I was told we were here to celebrate Nigel's birthday!" Sanji yelled.

"I was told that there would be booze!" Zoro yelled.

The Libras laughed nervously.

"Have fun! Don't tell the Capricorns!" Edmund said before he ushered the rest of the Libras outside. "Who forgot to buy the booze?!"

Everyone turned to Miller, Ellis, Charlotte, and Jin-Mao.

"Fine. We'll go to the nearest liquor store and buy your fucking booze," Charlotte said before she dragged Miller, Ellis, and Jin-Mao off.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Charlotte, Miller, Ellis, and Jin-Mao arrived at said liquor store.<p>

"Umm... Hi. I'm a minor with a fake ID, and I don't know how to buy booze. Can you please help me?" Charlotte asked. The clerk, Kaku, began to laugh hysterically.

"At least you're honest," Kaku pointed out. "If you like, you can also buy some Lotto tickets."

"We won't be needing those," Miller said.

"Come on, Pratt! I need to get my California Mega Millions on!" Charlotte yelled.

"I need to get back to the ship and make sure that the ship isn't on fire," Miller said.

"Why would it be on fire?" Jin-Mao asked as he grabbed several snack cakes and placed them on the counter.

"Come on, Pratt! Let Charlotte get her California Mega Millions on!" Kaku yelled. "And, if you buy some Lotto tickets now, I'll throw in a pack of cigarettes for free."

"We have a deal," Ellis said.

"Ellis, no!" Miller yelled.

"Ellis, yes!" Ellis said as he put a carton of cigarettes on the counter.

* * *

><p>Back at the party...<p>

"...And then I said, 'The Aristocrats'!" Edmund said nervously, telling a very bad joke to Smoker and Tashigi. Smoker glared at Edmund.

"Come on, Tashigi. We need to get our California Mega Millions on," Smoker said before he led Tashigi out of the room.

"Where's the fucking booze?!" Zoro yelled. Fernando got out a Slap Chop in response.

"Tu amor les lechugas," Fernando said to Zoro, who sweatdropped. (1)

"I don't speak English," Zoro said.

"Fuck you," Fernando said before he threw the Slap Chop at Zoro's head.

"What the he -" Zoro yelled before Charlotte, Ellis, Miller, and Jin-Mao entered the room with booze. "Hi, it's Vince with Slap Chop. You're gonna be in a great mood because you're gonna be slapping your troubles away. You're gonna love my nuts."

The Libras sweatdropped.

"Tu eres un hombre enferma," Fernando said. (2)

"What did he say?" Zoro asked. "Something about a ferret?"

Then, everyone lifted their bottles of crappy, boxed wine.

"Merry Christmas - I mean, Happy birthday, Nigel!" Everyone yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>"You're going to love the lettuce."

**(2) - **"You are a sick man."

**Review for more Christmas parties!**


	27. Last-Minute Christmas Shopping

**Author's Note: **Well, tomorrow's Christmas Eve, so a lot of you have some last-minute shopping to do.

I may eke one last chapter tomorrow, but if I don't, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We had some pretty good oneshots this year for the fic. I especially like the _Gift of the Magi _parody that involved the dystopian society with the Spice Girls-based caste system.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was Christmas Eve on the Valkyrie as the Lunas decorated their ship for the epic Christmas party they would be holding the next day.<p>

"Hey, Lea, we're still going to watch _Inception _during tomorrow's party, right?" Nyx asked.

"Of course. It's the best holiday movie ever!" Lea said. "Who's on the guest list again?"

"Libras, Virgos, Straw Hats, and some others," Nyx answered. "Speaking of which, did we get any of them presents?"

The ship grew deathly silent.

"Fuck me in places I cannot speak of!" Hermes yelled. "We forgot to buy them presents!"

"Hell no, I am not going back to the mall after what happened on Black Friday!" Killian yelled.

"So says the guy that looks like what happened after Maes Hughes and Markplier had an intense, one-night stand," Lea said cooly.

"So, are we going or not?" Kida asked.

"We have no fucking choice. Grab your weapon and meet me outside in ten," Hermes said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Lunas arrived at the mall, which was already in chaos with all of the last-minute Christmas shoppers.<p>

"I fucking hate everything..." Hermes commented.

"So, how do we split up?" Klaus asked slowly.

"Just buy random shit and meet me back where when the mall closes," Nyx answered.

"You got it, dude," Lea said as she gave the thumbs-up. Nyx sighed as she put her hands in her pockets and walked into Macy's.

"Motherfucking Macy's sale!" Nami and Nojiko yelled as they jumped up and down.

"Shut up before I ban you from the motherfucking Macy's sale!" Nyx yelled. Nami and Nojiko grew silent.

"Motherfucking Macy's sale!" Nami and Nojiko yelled again. Nyx rolled her eyes.

"Bitches be crazy..." Nyx said before she left the store.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Nyx arrived at Gamestop, where Jin-Mao was playing some video game on one of the display PS4s.<p>

"Oi, Jin-Mao, you look lost and lonely," Nyx said.

"Have you tried Hare Krishna?" Kizaru asked as he walked by.

"I got separated from my crew by the Capricorns," Jin-Mao answered, not looking up from his video game. Nyx said nothing as she got a brick out and threw it at the T.V. screen, breaking it. "Goddamnit, Nyx! Dragon Age: Inquisition is a fantastic game!"

"I know it is," Nyx said. "I've played the game five times."

"This is my sixth play-through," Jin-Mao said. "Well, before you showed up."

"You think Dragon Age: Inquisition is more important than your nakama?" Nyx asked. Jin-Mao remained silent. "You're on my level, Jin-Mao. Now I wish I hadn't thrown a brick at the T.V. screen."

Jin-Mao sweatdropped.

"So, what do you want me to do?" Jin-Mao asked.

"We play video games until your crew comes looking for you," Nyx answered.

"Nyx, I can't! I don't know if my crew is being pimped out by the Capricorns, or worse, dead!" Jin-Mao cried.

"Listen, kid, shut up. Yes, they might be dead. Shut up," Nyx said. "Second, just do it. Just do it like those Nike shoe commercials. Do it for the Vine video. Do it for Yukari Miyafuji, Kazura Miyafuji, Stella-Rondo, Hunter Day, Edmund Abingdon, Rhett Abingdon, Amelia Abingdon, Bridey Abingdon, Locke Sarutobi, Aurelia Sarutobi, Mason Sarutobi, Aleksandar Sarutobi, Pearl Chung-Feng, Lien Sarutobi, Hannibal D. Beaker, Daiyu Lung, Miller Pratt, Fernando Aguilar, Alto Jarvis, Daruma Hideyoshi, Marlene Grey, Opal Rinaldi, Alton Cheung, Nigel Crawley, Kipton Lim, Flaemmchen Vanger, Otsubo Kadokawa, Charlotte Emerson-Amboy, Lebec D. Cassandra, Fermin D. Ellis, Henrietta Mondrian, Basil Le'Ursa, and Toru Sky. Do it for all thirty-two of those crazy motherfuckers you're friends with and happen to be living with."

Nyx grew silent, trying to think.

"Come to think of it, how do you manage living with them?" Nyx asked.

"Well, for starters, we all clean the ship daily, so it's always clean," Jin-Mao answered. "It's not like the Capricorns, who hire maids and butlers but kill them if they fuck up. My entire crew pitches in."

"And I can't even get Lea to do the ironing," Nyx muttered.

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me. I'm supposed to be on ironing duty this week," Jin-Mao said to himself.

* * *

><p>"Change of plans. We have to find the Libras."<p>

A few minutes later, the Lunas and Jin-Mao assembled outside of Macy's.

"Fuck you, Nyx! I need that microwave that I don't need!" Hermes yelled.

"Why can't I just buy my gay porn?!" Aeris yelled.

"This is serious! The Capricorns may or may not have the Libras! They could be dead!" Nyx yelled. Jin-Mao screamed like a girl.

"Who cares?! Nobody likes hipsters!" Cloud yelled.

"I like them. They let me tell dad jokes," Killian said. Nyx sighed.

"Everyone, split up. Call me if you find the Libras," Nyx said before she stuck out her hand. "All for one..."

The Lunas stuck out their hands.

"...One for all..." The Lunas said. Jin-Mao then stuck out his hand.

"...And none for the Capricorns!" Jin-Mao yelled.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Libras were... Murdering people?!<p>

"You're dank, hipster trash. I hope you enjoy Hell," Flaemmchen said darkly before she slit somebody's throat.

"Bravo, Vanger-san. The brainwashing worked well."

The Capricorns, clad in their usual, formal attire, stepped out of the shadows.

"How are we doing?" Flaemmchen asked.

"Excellent," Yuki-Rin said with a smirk. "Your next targets will be the Luna Pirates and Jin-Mao Xiang. It appears that one of your own escaped the brainwashing. Leave that Xiang kid alive so we can brainwash him."

Flaemmchen bowed.

"Hai, Yuki-sama," Flaemmchen said.

* * *

><p>"What?! No Libras?!"<p>

With Klaus, he went straight to the first place he'd knew the Libras would be - Urban Outfitters.

"Nope. Haven't seen them," Sabo said as he continued to play tea party with Koala and several Kanye West dolls. Klaus facepalmed.

"Jin-Mao got separated from his crew! Where are the hipsters?!" Klaus yelled.

"Law and Bonney are in the back putting birds on things," Koala said.

"Not those hipsters! The Libras!" Klaus yelled.

"Oh, them?" Koala said. "Honey, you've got a big storm coming."

"What?" Klaus asked.

"Yuki-Rin kidnapped all of them and made them evil. You need to bring them back," Koala said. Klaus then passed out, and Sabo and Koala went through his pockets. "Cool! He has fifty bucks in his pocket!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Killian was in Target looking for the Libras.<p>

"Hey, Sanji, knew I'd find you in here," Killian said, ducking to avoid the iPhones people were throwing. "Have you seen the Libras? Jin-Mao got separated from his crew?"

"Come to think of it, I saw Flaemmchen-swan straight-up kill a guy," Sanji said.

"Thank you, Sanji, I - I heard that correctly? Flaemmchen killed somebody?" Killian said. "Well, I knew she wanted the new Nikon camera, but this is going way too far."

"It wasn't over a camera," Sanji said. "Flaemmchen killed somebody for no reason. I think the Capricorns are behind this. The Libras never do this kind of shit."

Killian grew silent.

"Get my gun," Killian ordered.

* * *

><p>Back with the Libras, they were still killing people under the orders of the Capricorns.<p>

"Please don't kill me! I have a wife and three kids!" Margaret pleaded as Mason held a knife to her neck.

"Wait... She's married?!" Sandersonia yelled. Hancock said nothing as she grabbed Margaret.

"Wait until your father gets home! You're grounded for... 'Til college!" Hancock yelled.

"For... 'Til college?!" Margaret yelled before she passed out, leaving the Kujas to drag her off. The Capricorns and Libras sweatdropped.

"Because I am in a good mood, I'll let you off with a warning," Yuki-Rin said to the Libras. "Now, go get that Jin-Mao kid before I do it for you."

"Yes, Yuki-Rin," The Libras said in unison.

* * *

><p>With Jin-Mao and Nyx, they were taking a break in the food court to get a snack.<p>

"Moo," Nikolai said as he put a large bowl of ramen onto the table in front of Jin-Mao.

"Why are you mooing?" Nyx asked. Nikolai gave her a strawberry parfait in response before walking away.

"This is some good stuff," Jin-Mao said, his mouth full with ramen. "Noodles, hard-boiled eggs, pork, fish... I could eat this shit for days! MSG is awesome!"

Nyx's cell phone then rang.

"Hello?" Nyx asked. "Wait... What?!"

After a long moment of silence, Nyx hung up.

"What happened? Are Cloud and Levi having gay sex in the dressing rooms of JCPenny again?" Jin-Mao asked.

"No, it's much worse," Nyx said, a dark expression on her face.

* * *

><p>In the center of the mall, the Libras - in vintage, formal attire from the 1950's - and the Capricorns were confronting the Lunas.<p>

"Where is Jin-Mao?!" Edmund asked.

"Yes?"

Nyx and Jin-Mao ran up to the group, both holding coffee from Starbucks.

"Of course, you would come fifteen minutes late to a major battle with Starbucks," Piper observed.

"Wait, what's going on? Why is my crew dressed up and why do they look like they want to kill me?" Jin-Mao asked. In response, the Libras pointed their weapons at them.

"Because we are going to kill you!" Edmund yelled.

"Kill me?!" Jin-Mao yelled. "What the fuck is going on here?! You're dressed up like one of the Capricorns, and you want to kill me?!"

"Jin-Mao, what are you doing?"

The Libras then approached the group, carrying various bags.

"Uhh... What's going on?" Hunter asked.

"You guys are trying to kill me," Jin-Mao answered.

"Kill you? We were buying you your Christmas presents," Daruma answered. The Libras grew silent.

"If you're the real Libras, then who tried to kill everyone?" Harlow asked. The Lunas and Libras then screamed.

"Run! It's the Fake Libras!" The Lunas and Libras yelled before they ran away.

* * *

><p><strong>Review if you want to see one more chapter before we end this fic for the year.<strong>


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